We’d like to raise a glass and propose a toast to these funny alcohol jokes and puns! They definitely won’t drive you to drink, so take a shot at reading them!
Funny Alcohol Jokes
What do a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?
They both have to pass the bar.
The son went to his dad and asked him, “Dad, what’s an alcoholic?”
So the dad replied, “Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight.”
The son replied, “But Dad, I only see two.”
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila Mockingbird.
My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol.
He doesn’t drink, it’s just that he’s really bad at crossword puzzles.
I don’t drink alcohol for religious reasons.
I drink it for other reasons.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.
Sorry that was a typo: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.
Me: My name is Matt, and I’m an alcoholic.
AAA: This is AAA, not AA.
Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.
Where does a Canadian alcoholic go to get help?
Eh Eh.
I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn’t happy.
An alcoholic law student walks into a bar.
He regretted not passing the bar.
What do alcoholic horses drink?
Chardonhay.
Why do mosquitoes prefer to drink alcohol instead of blood?
Because it gives them a nice buzzzzzzz.
If alcohol can damage your short term memory…
Imagine the damage alcohol can do.
I was at a sports bar recently when a shelf holding alcohol collapsed.
I guess the shelf couldn’t hold its liquor.
I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, I was asked to remove my sunglasses.
I guess I must’ve looked shady.
Alcoholics don’t run in my family.
But sometimes they fall down the stairs.
I don’t like alcohol, but my friend recommended something special, so he poured me a tiny glass.
I figured I’d give it a shot.
Cleaning with alcohol doesn’t work.
NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
What’s an alcoholic frog’s favorite game?
Hopscotch.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat.
It makes you lean…
Against tables, chairs, floors and ugly people.
I say no to alcohol.
It just doesn’t listen.
It turns out my high school chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
An alcoholic wakes up in prison.
He asks the first police officer he sees, “Why am I here?”
“For drinking,” replies the officer.
“Great,” says the man, “When do we start?”
Doctor: I can’t find out what your problem is. It could be due to excess alcohol consumption.
Me: It’s okay. I can come back when you’re sober.
Why is Luigi an alcoholic?
Because his mansion is full of boos.
Who was King Arthur’s alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver.
What do lawyers and recovering alcoholics have in common?
Successfully passing the Bar.
Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol!
Not consecutively though.
Where did prohibition-era rodents get their alcohol?
The Squeakeasy.
I found out I was allergic to alcohol.
Every time I drank I broke out in handcuffs.
I tried to open a bar inside a cave but the police stopped me.
They said it was illegal to sell alcohol to miners.
A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.
They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive.
At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: “Lads! Lads! I’ve got a great idea! We’re all vaguely round in shape, let’s not get a cab home, let’s just roll down the hill!” and before the others could protest he was off – shooting down the hill at a rate of knots.
The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind.
By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again “that was great, that was great, let’s do it again!”.
The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn’t seem to care. “Come on! let’s go again, that was great!”.
The potato turned to him and said “Easy peasy, lemon’s queasy.”
When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic.
But when I drink fanta, no one calls me…
Or texts me. I’m so lonely, please help.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Priest: Don’t drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic: Will I? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest: He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic: Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the liquor store?
Priest: He too will go to Hell.
Alcoholic: In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.
Two reasons I don’t give money to homeless people:
- They would spend it on alcohol.
- I want to spend it on alcohol.
How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?
Invite two of them.
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
“Is she an alcoholic?”
“No I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
When I drink alcohol, everyone says I’m an alcoholic.
But when I drink Fanta, no one says I’m fantastic.
I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday.
Thank god I only drink every night.
The difference between an alcoholic and a drunk is staggering.
An alcoholic walks into a candy store.
The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says, “Can I help you with anything?”
The alcoholic replies, “Yeah, got any liquor?”
“Well, I’m not sure but there is this.”
“What is that?”
“It’s liquor-ish.”
What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
I’m not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with the letter T.
Tuesday, Thursday, Today and Tomorrow.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent.
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”…
Is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today.
And that’s just for the alcohol.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene.
It’s that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
When the Hulk goes into an uncontrollable fit of rage he’s “incredible”.
When I do it, I’m an “alcoholic”.
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk.
The result was staggering.
More Funny Jokes
If these hilarious jokes about alcohol raised your spirits, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, including our tequila puns and jokes as well as these:
