Beer Jokes

We thought we’d better hop to it and propose a toast to these funny beer jokes and puns! They’re sure to go down well and not leave a bitter taste in your mouth!

Header image for a page of funny beer jokes and puns.

Funny Beer Jokes And Puns

I poured root beer into a square glass.

Now I just have beer.

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

“That’ll be five dollars,” says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor.

Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill.

The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells “Here’s your change!”

The guy looks down at the coins and says, “I’ll have another beer, please.”

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working I’m going to my mum’s.”

I opened up the fridge.

The light was on and the beer was cold.

I’m not sure what she was talking about.

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren’t you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: “If you guys aren’t drinking beer than neither will I.”

Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, “I love you.”

She said, “Is that you or the beer talking?”

I said, “It’s me talking to the beer.”

I don’t put an orange in my beer often.

Except maybe once in a Blue Moon.

Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?

They have hops.

I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.

I got her a Guinness. She didn’t like it, so I drank it.

Then I got her a Killian’s. She didn’t like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn’t. I drank it.

I thought maybe she’d like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s; nope!

In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar’s finest scotch. She wouldn’t even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized she just didn’t like to drink, I was so drunk I could hardly push her stroller back home!

A man walks in a bar and shouts, “Free beers outside!”

So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man, “What did you do that for? Now I have no customers!”

The man says, “Sorry mister, I honestly didn’t fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them.”

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well I’ll be darned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised.

“I’m sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasn’t happy.

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

A man walks into a pet store and tells the attendant that he is chasing something a little different, “everyone has dogs and cats and birds and fish, I want something different”.

The attendant says, “I’ve got just the thing here, we have a talking centipede.”

“Perfect,” says the man. “That sounds great; I’ll take one of those.”

He gets the centipede home and says, “Mr. Centipede, would you like to go down the bar and have a couple of beers?”

The man gets no response. “Maybe the centipede is a little shaken up from the ride home,” he thinks. “I’ll give him 10 mins and ask again.”

10 mins later the man says, “Would you like head down to the bar for a beer?”

Again no response. The man thinks to himself, “I’ll give him another 15 minutes and if he doesn’t reply I’m taking him back.”

Fifteen mins later the man says to the centipede, “Buddy, do you want to go down the bar for a beer or not?”

The centipede replies, “I’m putting my shoes on, you impatient fool!”

My wife crashed the car again today.

She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

The police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

A woman asks a man, “Do you drink beer?”

Man: Yeah.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including the tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: What color is your Ferrari?

Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.

That’s my pint of view, anyway.

An iceberg walks into a bar.

Orders a single beer and leaves $200.

Bartender: Wow! That’s way too generous!

Iceberg: That’s just the tip of the iceberg!

What is a bunny’s favorite beer?

The one with all the hops in it.

More Funny Jokes

If you lapped up these funny beer jokes and puns, why not sample the rest of the funny jokes at LaffGaff, such as these: