Whiskey Jokes And Puns

They say whiskey makes you frisky and the next best thing to actual whiskey is these funny whiskey jokes and puns! We think they’re really kinda neat!

Header image for a page of funny whiskey jokes and puns.

Funny Whiskey Jokes

A man walks sadly into a bar.

The bartender asks “Why the long face?”

The man replies “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”

The bartender looks shocked and says “I’m sorry I can’t help you kill yourself.”

The man asks “Well what would you do in my situation?”

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says, “If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, I’d kill the guy.”

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts, “That’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

“Did you kill the guy?” The bartender asks nervously.

“Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please.”

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.

I got her a Guinness. She didn’t like it, so I drank it.

Then I got her a Killian’s she didn’t like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn’t. I drank it.

I thought maybe she’d like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s; nope!

In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich.

The bar’s finest scotch. She wouldn’t even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized she just didn’t like to drink, I was so drunk I could hardly push her stroller back home!

I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me, “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”

A Scottish guy goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.

After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the bartender, “What is that?”

The bartender replies, “It’s a moose.”

The Scottish chap shouts back, “Wow! How big are the cats here?”

I had twelve bottles of whisky but my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!

So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass… which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine. To make sure I counted them again… they came to seventy-four.

And as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses and bottles and corks and sinks and glasses counted, except one house and one cork… which l drank.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he’s enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. “How can you pollute your soul with the Devil’s drink like that?” she asks.

The man shrugs. “It’s not the Devil, it’s just whiskey.”

“But it’s sinful and wicked!”

“How do you know it’s so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?”

“Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is.”

“But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?”

They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. “Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn’t do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?”

The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.

“Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please.”

The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, “Is that darn nun here again!?”

Two burglars are robbing a liquor store.

One turns to the other and asks, “Is this whiskey?”

The other replies, “Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank.”

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?”

“No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said.

“Will you use it to gamble?”

“I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”

“Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?”

“Are you nuts!? I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The bum was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.”

The man replied, “That’s okay. I just want her to see what a man who’s given up drinking, gambling and golf looks like.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket.

He does this over and over again.

Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket.

The man responds, “I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I’ll go home.”

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store where he bought some whiskey, and tequila.

When he got home, he set them on the table.

His son immediately picked up both bottles.

The dad asks, “What are you doing?!”

The son responds, “You were sad, so I’m lifting your spirits.”

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:

1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

  • The 1st worm in beer, dead.
  • The 2nd in wine, dead.
  • The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
  • The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:

What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:

Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them.

By the 5th one the bartender asks, “Why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “You’d drink this fast if you had what I have.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “No money.”

She was only a whiskey-maker’s daughter…

But he loved her still.

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.. “Mother,” the nuns asked earnestly, “Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us.”

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: “

“DON’T SELL THAT COW.”

My son told me he can drink a whole glass of whiskey straight.

Personally, I think it’s neat.

A physics textbook book walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of whiskey.

The bartender looks up and says, “Sure pal, it looks like you have a lot of problems.”

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed our funny jokes about whiskey, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more hilarious jokes, including these: