Funny Drinking Quotes

We love a good drink here at LaffGaff, and we also love humor too of course. So what could be better than these funny drinking quotes!

Raise your glass as we propose a toast to alcohol and laughter!

We combine our two favorite things - alcohol and humor - with these funny drinking quotes!

Funny Quotes About Drinking

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.

W. C. Fields

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Oscar Wilde

I don’t drink. I don’t like it. It makes me feel good.

Oscar Levant

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henry Youngman

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go for a week without a drink.

Joe. E. Lewis

One reason that I don’t drink is that I want to know when I’m having a good time.

Nancy Astor

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?

W. C. Fields

There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of Champagne.

Bette Davis

Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.

Catherine Zandonella

Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

Ogden Nash

Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends.

Tom Watts

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

Joe E. Lewis

Man, being reasonable, must get drunk. The best of life is but intoxication.

Lord Byron

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Ernest Hemingway

One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough.

James Thurber

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

W. C. Fields

Water taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.

Mark Twain

Actually, it only takes me one drink to get loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth of fourteenth.

George Burns

For a bad hangover, take the juice of two quarts of whiskey.

Eddie Condon

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they’re going to feel all day.

Dean Martin

The only day I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Phyllis Diller

I only take a drink on two occasions – when I’m thirsty and when I’m not.

Brendan Behan

One more drink and I’ll be under the host.

Dorothy Parker

I exercise self-control and never touch a beverage stronger than gin before breakfast.

W. C. Fields

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

Humphrey Bogart

A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50, and a fool if he doesn’t afterward.

Frank Lloyd Wright

There is no bad whiskey. There are only some whiskeys that aren’t as good as others.

Raymond Chandler

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Rodney Dangerfield

I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.

Alexander Woollcott

No government could survive without Champagne. Champagne in the throat of our diplomatic people is like oil in the wheels of an engine.

Joseph Dargent

I drink to make other people interesting.

George Jean Nathan

I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

W. C. Fields

I drink to forget I drink.

Joe E. Lewis

War and drink are the two things man is never too poor to buy.

William Faulkner

Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.

G. K. Chesterton

I only drink Champagne on two occasions, when I am in love and when I am not.

Coco Chanel

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, “I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”

Chelsea Handler

Funny Drunk Quotes

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

Ernest Hemingway

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.

William Butler Yeats

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

Joe E. Lewis

A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.

Steve Fergosi

Alcoholism isn’t a spectator sport. Eventually the whole family gets to play.

Joyce Rebeta-Burditt

One can drink too much, but one never drinks enough.

Edward Burke

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Ernest Hemingway

My dad was the town drunk. A lot of times that’s not so bad – but New York City?

Henry Youngman

Funny Alcohol Quotes

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

Dylan Thomas

Alcohol may be a man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.

Frank Sinatra

Alcohol is the anaesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

Francois Rabelais

Here’s to alcohol, the rose-colored glasses of life.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

I have made an important discovery… that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication.

Oscar Wilde

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

Winston Churchill

I try to convince myself that it’s the alcohol talking. But alcohol can’t talk. It just sits there. It can’t even get itself out of the bottle.

David Levithan

Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

Steve Martin

Funny Beer Quotes

He was a wise man who invented beer.


Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.

Henry Lawson

I work until beer o’clock.

Stephen King

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Stephen Wright

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Kinky Friedman

Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

W. C. Fields

More Funny Quotes

If you enjoyed this collection of funny drinking quotes, be sure to check out our other pages of funny quotes too, including these:

More Drinking Humor