We love a good drink here at LaffGaff, and we also love humor too of course. So what could be better than these funny drinking quotes!
Raise your glass as we propose a toast to alcohol and laughter!
Funny Quotes About Drinking
A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
W. C. Fields
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde
I don’t drink. I don’t like it. It makes me feel good.
Oscar Levant
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henry Youngman
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go for a week without a drink.
Joe. E. Lewis
One reason that I don’t drink is that I want to know when I’m having a good time.
Nancy Astor
What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
W. C. Fields
There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of Champagne.
Bette Davis
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
Catherine Zandonella
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.
Ogden Nash
Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends.
Tom Watts
I always wake up at the crack of ice.
Joe E. Lewis
Man, being reasonable, must get drunk. The best of life is but intoxication.
Lord Byron
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Ernest Hemingway
One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough.
James Thurber
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields
Water taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
Mark Twain
Actually, it only takes me one drink to get loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth of fourteenth.
George Burns
For a bad hangover, take the juice of two quarts of whiskey.
Eddie Condon
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they’re going to feel all day.
Dean Martin
The only day I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
I only take a drink on two occasions – when I’m thirsty and when I’m not.
Brendan Behan
One more drink and I’ll be under the host.
Dorothy Parker
I exercise self-control and never touch a beverage stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. Fields
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Humphrey Bogart
A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50, and a fool if he doesn’t afterward.
Frank Lloyd Wright
There is no bad whiskey. There are only some whiskeys that aren’t as good as others.
Raymond Chandler
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield
I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.
Alexander Woollcott
No government could survive without Champagne. Champagne in the throat of our diplomatic people is like oil in the wheels of an engine.
Joseph Dargent
I drink to make other people interesting.
George Jean Nathan
I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
I drink to forget I drink.
Joe E. Lewis
War and drink are the two things man is never too poor to buy.
William Faulkner
Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.
G. K. Chesterton
I only drink Champagne on two occasions, when I am in love and when I am not.
Coco Chanel
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, “I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
Chelsea Handler
Funny Drunk Quotes
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
Ernest Hemingway
The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.
William Butler Yeats
A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
Joe E. Lewis
A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
Steve Fergosi
Alcoholism isn’t a spectator sport. Eventually the whole family gets to play.
Joyce Rebeta-Burditt
One can drink too much, but one never drinks enough.
Edward Burke
First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ernest Hemingway
My dad was the town drunk. A lot of times that’s not so bad – but New York City?
Henry Youngman
Funny Alcohol Quotes
An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas
Alcohol may be a man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.
Frank Sinatra
Alcohol is the anaesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
Francois Rabelais
Here’s to alcohol, the rose-colored glasses of life.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
I have made an important discovery… that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication.
Oscar Wilde
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Winston Churchill
I try to convince myself that it’s the alcohol talking. But alcohol can’t talk. It just sits there. It can’t even get itself out of the bottle.
David Levithan
Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.
Steve Martin
Funny Beer Quotes
He was a wise man who invented beer.
Plato
Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
Henry Lawson
I work until beer o’clock.
Stephen King
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Stephen Wright
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Kinky Friedman
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. Fields
More Funny Quotes
If you enjoyed this collection of funny drinking quotes, be sure to check out our other pages of funny quotes too, including these:
