Funny Drinking Quotes

We love a good drink here at LaffGaff, and we also love humor too of course. So what could be better than these funny drinking quotes!

Raise your glass as we propose a toast to alcohol and laughter!

We combine our two favorite things - alcohol and humor - with these funny drinking quotes!

Funny Quotes About Drinking

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her. ~ W. C. Fields

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. ~ Oscar Wilde

I don’t drink. I don’t like it. It makes me feel good. ~ Oscar Levant

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. ~ Henry Youngman

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go for a week without a drink. ~ Joe. E. Lewis

One reason that I don’t drink is that I want to know when I’m having a good time. ~ Nancy Astor

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? ~ W. C. Fields

There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of Champagne. ~ Bette Davis

Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time. ~ Catherine Zandonella

Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker. ~ Ogden Nash

Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. ~ Tom Watts

I always wake up at the crack of ice. ~ Joe E. Lewis

Man, being reasonable, must get drunk. The best of life is but intoxication. ~ Lord Byron

I drink to make other people more interesting. ~ Ernest Hemingway

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Funny Wine Quotes

One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough. ~ James Thurber

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. ~ W. C. Fields

Water taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. ~ Mark Twain

Actually, it only takes me one drink to get loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth of fourteenth. ~ George Burns

For a bad hangover, take the juice of two quarts of whiskey. ~ Eddie Condon

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they’re going to feel all day. ~ Dean Martin

The only day I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. ~ Phyllis Diller

I only take a drink on two occasions – when I’m thirsty and when I’m not. ~ Brendan Behan

One more drink and I’ll be under the host. ~ Dorothy Parker

I exercise self-control and never touch a beverage stronger than gin before breakfast. ~ W. C. Fields

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. ~ Humphrey Bogart

A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50, and a fool if he doesn’t afterward. ~ Frank Lloyd Wright

There is no bad whiskey. There are only some whiskeys that aren’t as good as others. ~ Raymond Chandler

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini. ~ Alexander Woollcott

No government could survive without Champagne. Champagne in the throat of our diplomatic people is like oil in the wheels of an engine. ~ Joseph Dargent

I drink to make other people interesting. ~ George Jean Nathan

I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food. ~ W. C. Fields

I drink to forget I drink. ~ Joe E. Lewis

War and drink are the two things man is never too poor to buy. ~ William Faulkner

Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable. ~ G. K. Chesterton

I only drink Champagne on two occasions, when I am in love and when I am not. ~ Coco Chanel

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, “I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.” ~ Chelsea Handler

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Wine Puns & Jokes

Funny Drunk Quotes

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. ~ Ernest Hemingway

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober. ~ William Butler Yeats

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on. ~ Joe E. Lewis

A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. ~ Steve Fergosi

Alcoholism isn’t a spectator sport. Eventually the whole family gets to play. ~ Joyce Rebeta-Burditt

One can drink too much, but one never drinks enough. ~ Edward Burke

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. ~ Ernest Hemingway

My dad was the town drunk. A lot of times that’s not so bad – but New York City? ~ Henry Youngman

Funny Alcohol Quotes

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. ~ Dylan Thomas

Alcohol may be a man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy. ~ Frank Sinatra

Alcohol is the anaesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. ~ Francois Rabelais

Here’s to alcohol, the rose-colored glasses of life. ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

I have made an important discovery… that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication. ~ Oscar Wilde

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. ~ Winston Churchill

I try to convince myself that it’s the alcohol talking. But alcohol can’t talk. It just sits there. It can’t even get itself out of the bottle. ~ David Levithan

Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol. ~ Steve Martin

Funny Beer Quotes

He was a wise man who invented beer. ~ Plato

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. ~ Henry Lawson

I work until beer o’clock. ~ Stephen King

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? ~ Stephen Wright

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. ~ Kinky Friedman

Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer. ~ W. C. Fields

More Funny Quotes

If you enjoyed this collection of funny drinking quotes, be sure to check out our other pages of funny quotes too, including these:

A selection of funny quotes about time
Some funny marriage quotes by the famous and not-so-famous
A collection of funny relationship quotes
A page of funny friendship quotes
A collection of funny wine quotes
A collection of funny quotes about life