These funny tequila jokes and puns will help tequila little time if you’re bored! Go on – give them a shot, if you’ve got the bottle!
Funny Tequila Jokes
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.
“No, I’m not,” I laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
My wife does ‘Sip and paint’, so I started ‘Bros, beers, and books’.
Our signature cocktail is “Tequila Mockingbird”.
Tequila might not be the answer.
But it’s worth a shot.
Why did the Mexican push his wife over the cliff?
I miss when my dad would take me to a bar and get drunk on tequila and let me drive the car home.
My parents divorced and he moved away when I was six…
What happens when you spill tequila at the pudding factory?
The proof is in the pudding.
I just got back from the supermarket where there was a guy rushing round the shop who had bought 15kg of paella rice, 5 cases of tequila, 8 sombreros and 12 piñatas.
I thought to myself, Hispanic buying.
If someone says tequila is good for you…
Take it with a pinch of salt.
You know what they say about drinking too much tequila…
A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store and bought some whiskey, and tequila.
When he got home, he set them on the table.
His son immediately picked up both bottles.
The dad asks, “What are you doing?!”
The son responds, “You were sad, so I’m lifting your spirits.”
I have a bad habit of drinking while reading…
Just the other day, I finished Tequila Mockingbird.
What’s the difference between a fox and a dog ?
About 8 tequilas.
Me: “Whats up, bud?”
Friend: Just had my first shot. Waiting for my second.”
Me: “Pfizer or Moderna?”
My kids were arguing about what to watch on Netflix, so I started yelling, “Vodka! Tequila! Whiskey!…”
In this house, I call the shots.
Following a bad breakup the bartender advised me that happiness lies at the bottom of a tequila bottle
I took it with a grain of salt.
What kind of tequila does someone with a foot fetish drink?
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s with the money in the jar?”
“Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari.”
The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?”
“You gotta pay first,” says the bartender. “Those are the rules.”
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
“Okay,” says the bartender, “Here’s what you need to do: First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.”
“Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.”
“Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who’s never been with a man. You have to take care of that problem.”
The man is stunned! “I know I paid my $10 – but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!”
“Your call,” says the bartender, “But, your money stays where it is.”
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, “Where’s the tequila?!”
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks but he doesn’t make a face and he drinks it in under a minute.
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight… then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he’s bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, “Now, where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city.
He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw.
He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.”
He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet.
A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila.
He slams it and jumps out the window.
As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila.
The bartender shakes his head. “You really are piece of work when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Two slabs of concrete walk into a bar.
They sit down and start discussing how tough they are, until the bartender asks what they want.
Concrete 1: I’ll have a beer, and a shot of tequila, because I’m hard! I’m tough and can handle anything!
So the bartender gets his drinks and asks the second.
Concrete 2: Me? I’ll have 2 beers, and 2 shots of tequila! Because I’m even harder!
The barman complies and makes the drinks.
A few more moments pass with the barman listening to the two discussing who’s the most tough, when suddenly the door opens and a tiny piece of tarmac walks through the door.
Both slabs of concrete quickly jump behind the bar and hide, cowering and shaking.
The tarmac walks up to the bar, and softly orders a small orange juice, drinks it then leaves, and the two slabs of concrete come back out from behind the bar.
The bartender notices all this and says, “Hold on, I thought you two were the toughest around? Yet, you’re terrified of that tiny piece of tarmac?”
Concrete 1 replies: “We may be tough yes, but the tarmac… That guy’s a cycle path!”
If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, “Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!” at the top of your lungs.
This will make you the person who calls the shots.
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want.”
The Mexican begins thinking, “Well, I really like drinking tequila.” Finally the Mexican says, “I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila.”
The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it.
He looks at the glass and it’s clear. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila.
So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, “Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly.”
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it.
He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted.
The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.
He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same.
The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, “Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila.”
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, “But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?”
Pancho raises the glass and says, “Because tonight, mi amor, you drink from the bottle.”
More Funny Jokes
If you enjoyed these hilarious puns and jokes about tequila, be sure to take a look at the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these: