There are lots of reasons to love going to bars, not least the opportunity to hear new jokes. One of the most popular and enduring types of jokes are the so-called A Guy Walks Into A Bar jokes. Here is a huge collection for your enjoyment.
35 Best Guy Walks Into A Bar Jokes
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey!”
The horse says, “Yes, please!”
A bishop walks into a bar and walks straight up to the bartender.
The bartender says, “You can’t do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.”
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter and says to the barman, “Have you seen my brother?”
The barman says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
A dog walks into a bar, and takes a seat.
He says to the barman, “Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please?”
The barman says, “Wow, that’s amazing! You should join the circus!”
The dog replies, “Why? Do they need electricians?”
A fish walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What do you want?”
The fish croaks, “Water.”
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a toad on his head.
“What the hell is that?” asks the barman.
The toad replies, “I don’t know – it started as a wart on my ass and just kept growing.”
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for his check.
Duck billed platypus.
A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
A really bad impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
A ghost walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.”
Donald Trump walks into a bar …
And lowers it.
An untalented gymnast walks into a bar.
A man walks into a bar…
And is immediately disqualified from the World Limbo Championships.
A guy walks into a bar and orders the finest Scotch.
The bartender pours him the drink and passes it to him saying, “That will be $2, Sir.”
The guy says, “Woah, that’s really cheap. You’re good people; I want to thank your manager. Where is he?”
The bartender replies, “In the hotel room, Sir, with my wife.”
The guy asks, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
“The same thing I’m doing with his business.”
A bowl of cornflakes walks into a bar.
The barman says, “Get out, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”
A guy walks into a bar and throws a prawn cocktail at the bartender.
“And that’s just for starters”, he says.
A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”
The barman looks at him and says “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asks the brain.
“You’re already out of your head.”
A man walks into a bar and says to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, “Yeah, my wife!”
A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, “I’ll have a whisky and …
The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”
“Dunno,” says the bear. “I’ve always had them.”
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
So the barman gives her one.
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for.
The barman replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to have a go?”
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “Nah, the steaks are too high!”
A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac were sat quietly in the pub having a pint when this bit of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red bit of tarmac, and then storms off again.
The barman says to the bit of black tarmac, “What the heck was all that about?”
The bit of black tarmac replies, “You have to be careful not to upset that one. He’s a bit of a cyclepath.”
A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says, “Pint please …
… and one for the road.”
A pirate walks into a bar.
It was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.
The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, and Gandalf walk into a bar.
Gimli and the Hobbits are short enough to walk under it.
A dwarf walked into a bar.
The bar for this joke is set pretty low.
A rope a walks into a bar.
The bartender points to a sign, says “Can’t you read?! No ropes allowed.”
The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and messes up his hair and walks back in.
The bartender says, “Aren’t you that rope again?”
The rope replies, “Nope, I’m a frayed not!”
The barkeep says, “Sorry, we don’t serve time-travelers here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Yesterday, I crossed a road, changed a light bulb and walked into a bar.
My life is turning into a joke.
A guy walked into a bar and heard, “Great tie!”
He looked around but didn’t see anyone.
Suddenly he heard, “Beautiful suit!”
Wondering what was going on, he walked up to the bartender and asked, “I heard a voice talking about my suit and tie and that they looked cool, but no one’s around. Dude, what’s up?”
The bartender smiled, “Oh yeah, those are the peanuts. They’re complimentary!”
A pun walks into a bar, and ten people drop dead.
Pun in, ten dead.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.