We’ve bean brewing something here at LaffGaff – that’s right, these funny coffee jokes, puns and one-liners!
They’re definitely not weak, in fact they’re so strong you’re sure to get a kick out of them!
What do you call sad coffee?
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.
How do you kill a coffee bean?
This morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.
After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.
Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.
A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go.
The coffee gets up and leaves.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…
I really need to wash some mugs.
Why are men are like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.
I went to the coffee shop and asked the barista how much a cup of coffee was.
He said, “Two dollars and the refills are free.”
I said, “Great, I’ll have a refill then.”
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
Where do birds go for their coffee?
To the Nestcafe.
I drink so much coffee at work, I consider it part of my daily grind.
How is divorce like espresso?
It’s expensive and bitter.
I went to the doctor and told him every time I take a sip of coffee, I feel a stabbing pain in my face.
He said, “Take the spoon out next time.”
First astronaut: “Hey, I can’t find any milk for my coffee.”
Second astronaut: “In space, no one can. Here, use cream.”
Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.
I’m just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
The barista at Starbucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee.
I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote “callthecops”.
I didn’t bother leaving a tip.
How are coffee beans like kids?
They’re always getting grounded.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.”
After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
“Yeah,” she replied, “But I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…”
I just read that every year we spend more on coffee than we do on educating our children.
How do we sleep at night?
I’m about to have a dangerous cup of coffee…
Safe tea first, though.
What are coffee shops in Russia called?
How does an IT guy drink coffee?
He installs Java.
I just got myself a top of the range coffee maker.
It has a lot of perks.
I made my wife a cup of coffee today and she complained it tasted like dirt.
I said, “That’s not surprising. It was just ground this morning.”
I don’t have a problem with caffeine.
I have a problem without caffeine.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?
Coffee has bean the grounds of many a heated and strong discussion.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Why did the kangaroo stop drinking coffee?
It made him too jumpy.
A man at a restaurant was annoyed that the waiter hadn’t brought a spoon for his coffee, so at the top of his voice, and so the other patrons could hear, he states “This coffee is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers”.
The waiter hearing this made a hasty retreat to the kitchen, and returned promptly to the table with another coffee.
“Here you are sir” said the waiter. “This coffee is not nearly as hot.”
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make coffee at home, mispronounce my own name as loudly as possible, then light a $5 bill on fire.
If you spend too much time drinking coffee in the morning you could be latte for work again.
My sister made me some coffee today.
I said to her, “You make a mean cup of coffee, sis.”
She said, “It was good?”
I replied, “I just said, it was average.”
A guy goes to the Post Office for a job interview.
The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
The guy replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
“OK,” says the interviewer, “Have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,” the guy says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”
The interviewer then says, “Okay, that will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am every day.”
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don’t you want me here until 10 am?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. So there’s no point in your coming in for that.”
Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
Because he was pressed for time.
When I got to the break room at work I had that deja-brew feeling again.
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.
He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”
The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
What do you call it when cafe customers joke about their coffee?
There is a time and a place for decaf coffee…
Never, and in the trash.
The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves.
Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?
I don’t call it coffee, I prefer the term, “break fluid”.
Don’t ever let anyone tell you fairy tales aren’t real.
I wake up every morning to drink a potion made from magic beans that brings me back to life.
A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.
How do you discipline a coffee bean?
You ground it.
Coffee is the silent victim in our house…
It gets mugged every day.
Do stupid things faster with more energy.
A newlywed religious couple are lying in bed one morning when the husband says, “How about you go brew us some coffee?”
The wife replies, “That’s your job.”
The husband, a little taken aback, says, “Says who?”
The wife replies, “The bible; it’s on just about every page.”
The husband says, “No it isn’t! The bible don’t say anything about brewing coffee!”
The wife gets her bible from the bedside table and flips through the pages as she says, “See every page: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews.”
How does Henry VIII like his coffee?