Nurse jokes and puns are so humerus! They’re definitely not Tachy though. And nurses are angels and heroes in our eyes. That doesn’t mean nursing jokes can’t be funny though!
Anyway, we hope you enjoy our collection of funny nurse jokes and humor.
24 Funny Nurse Jokes & Puns
What ‘s the difference between a nurse and a nun?
A nun only serves one God.
When a hospital runs out of maternity nurses do they have a mid-wife crisis?
How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just get a nursing student to do it.
Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers into work?
In case they have to draw blood.
When I went to get my vaccinations the young nurse told me she was very nervous as it was her first time.
I told her to give it her best shot.
A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were all having their lunch break in the break room.
Suddenly, a stately lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry walked in.
She grandly said, “I am Gina the Great. I’m so pleased with the way you’ve looked after my aunt that I’m going to grant you one wish each!”
Then she waved of her hand. There was a puff of smoke and the room was suddenly full of flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did indeed have the power to grant wishes.
The nurses quickly discussed among themselves who should ask for the first wish.
Eventually the nursing assistant wished first. She said, “I wish I was on a beautiful tropical island, with single, handsome young men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.”
There was another puff of smoke and the nursing assistant disappeared.
The floor nurse was next to make her wish. She said, “I wish I was rich and retired, and spending my days in my own cosy, warm cabin at a ski resort with beautiful, well-groomed men feeding me wine and chocolates.”
There was yet another puff of smoke and the floor nurse too was gone.
The lady asked the charge nurse, “Now, what is the final wish?”
The charge nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break.”
Transplant nurses hate rejection.
I went to casualty yesterday and said to the nurse, “I’ve been stung by a wasp, have you got anything for it?”
She asked, “Whereabouts is it?”
I said, “I don’t know, it could be miles away by now.”
The nurse who can smile when things go wrong…
Is probably going off duty.
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
Some asshole has my pen.
I got a phone call last night to say that my wife had been in an accident.
I rushed to the hospital and asked the nurse, “How is she, can I see her?”
She looked at me sadly and said, “I’m afraid you’re too late.”
I said, “Okay, no problem. I’ll come back in the morning.”
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A practical nurse is one who marries a rich, terminally ill patient.
A lady went for a routine physical examination at the doctor’s office.
The nurse handed her a urine specimen container and said, “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
She said to the nurse, “Thanks, but they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”
Paddy’s wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.
When he gets there the nurse asks him, “How dilated is she?”
Paddy replies, “Oh Jaysus, we’re both over the moon.”
A nurse sees a guy wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital so she stops him and asks what’s wrong.
He says, “I’m due to have an operation but I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”
The nurse says, “That’s okay, she was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”
The guy replies, “She was talking to the doctor!”
I had to take my son to hospital after he swallowed ten quarters. He was rushed to surgery.
After half an hour I saw a nurse so I asked her how he was.
She said, “There’s no change yet.”
An old nurse is talking to her young colleague and says to her, “My new patient has the weirdest tattoo on his penis. It’s the word SWAN.”
The young nurse is intrigued and so she persuades the old nurse to swap patients with her so she can see the strange tattoo too.
Afterwards, the young nurse reports back to the old one, “You don’t read very well. The tattoo says SASKATOON SASKATCHEWAN.”
I was in hospital visiting my wife after her operation when the nurse suggested it might help if I adjusted my wife’s pillows to make it more comfortable.
She wasn’t wrong.
Taking my wife’s two pillows and putting them on my chair was a lot more comfortable.
What do you call two ITU nurses holding hands?
How do you know that a dead body found by the side of the road is a nurse?
Because its stomach is empty, its bladder is full, and its ass chewed.
Three nurses died and went to heaven. They were sent to see St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, “I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.”
St. Peter looked at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse said, “I worked in an operating room. It’s a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard. I think I deserve to go to heaven.”
St. Peter looked at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse said, “I was a case manager for an HMO.”
St. Peter looked at her file. He pulled out a calculator and started punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file.
After a few minutes St. Peter looked up, smiled, and said, “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven…
For five days!”
The doctor says to the blonde nurse, “Nurse, did you take the patient’s temperature?”
The nurse replies, “No, is it missing?”
A skilled nurse died and went to heaven where she was met by St. Peter, who explained, “We have a policy of letting you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.”
The nurse asked him, “But howow do I know which to choose?”
“That’s easy,” said St. Peter, “You just spend a day in each place before deciding.”
With that, he put the nurse in an elevator and sent her down to hell.
When she reached the bottom the elevator doors opened and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her. She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times. That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant. She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy. Before she knew it, her day in hell was over and she returned to heaven.
The day in heaven was okay. She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp.
At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision.
“Well, heaven was okay,” the nurse said, “but to be honest I had a much better time in hell. So I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell.”
With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.
When she got to the bottom and the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks.
When the devil walked over, she said to him, “I don’t understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking.”
The devil smiled and said, “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you’re staff.”