Psychiatrist Jokes And Puns

You’d have to be crazy not to laugh at these funny psychiatrist jokes and puns! They’ll drive you mad with laughter!

Header image for a page of funny psychiatrist jokes and puns.

Funny Psychiatrist Jokes

I went to see my psychiatrist and told him that “No one understands me.”

He said, “What do you mean by that?”

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist’s waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by.

Most people hate it, but I’m a fan.

Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?

The p is silent.

I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.

He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

A guy walks in to a psychiatrist wearing only Saran Wrap pants.

The psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts!”

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”

A man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him that he thinks he can see into the future.

The doctor asks, “When did this start?”

The man replies, “Next Tuesday.”

I went to see a psychiatrist to get over my crippling fear of palindromes.

She put me on Xanax.

I went to the psychiatrist because I keep acting like a dog.

She said, “Lie down on the couch and we’ll discuss this.”

I said, “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

I told my psychiatrist that I was dreaming I was a deck of cards.

He said it’s something we should deal with.

Why did the rabbit go to the psychiatrist?

He was unhoppy.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.

My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues.

I’ll show him.

My psychiatrist said I was a kleptomaniac.

I said, “Is there anything I can take for it?”

A psychiatrist’s secretary walked into his study and said, “There’s a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he’s invisible.”

The psychiatrist responded, “Tell him I can’t see him.”

Why was Humpty Dumpty referred to a psychiatrist?

He had cracked up.

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too!

I told my psychiatrist I’m thinking about suicide.

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office.

“Can I help you?” He asked.

“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.

“You probably want a psychiatrist for that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”

“The light was on.”

Good news from my psychiatrist!

He’s treated much worse cases of inferiority complex than mine!

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. “What can I do for you?” he asked.

“Our son has got an imaginary friend.” said my wife.

“There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all,” said the psychiatrist.

“We haven’t got a son.” I replied.

My psychiatrist told me I have multiple personality disorder.

We think that’s stupid.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Betty, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, “Come on, Richard, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night so I went to a psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.

“Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year” said the psychiatrist. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears”.

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I’ll sleep on it and if needed, I will come back to you,” I said.

Six months later I bumped into the psychiatrist on the street.

“Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A barman cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV”.

“Is that so!” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a barman cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed… ain’t nobody under there now!”

An old man takes his weekly visit to his psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist asks, “How is your relationship with God?”

The old man replies, “It’s amazing, God helps me so much. Every night when I need to use the toilet, he turns the light on for me and closes it for me after I have finished. God is amazing.”

The psychiatrist was shocked, so he calls the old man’s daughter and says. “Your father said that God turns the light on for him when he uses the toilet every night. What does he mean by this? I’m very shocked!”

The daughter replies, “He keeps peeing in the fridge!”

The mother took her young daughter to a psychiatrist and explained to him that the girl thought she was a chicken.

The doctor soothed her, observing that an overactive imagination is not uncommon in children, and asking how long the girl had suffered from the delusion.

“Almost two years,” said the mother.

“Your daughter has imagined she is a chicken for nearly two years?!” the psychiatrist exclaimed. “Why have you waited so long before bringing her in?”

The woman looked embarrassed, then confessed, “We needed the eggs, doctor.”

A psychiatrist is sitting in his office when his secretary comes in and says, “Sir, there’s a man here to see you who thinks he’s a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it.”

The psychiatrist replies, “Doris! Are you asking me to commit a murder!?”

Jokes About Pyschiatrists

If you enjoyed our funny psychiatrist jokes, be sure to visit the rest of LaffGaff for lots more hilarious jokes such as these: