Colonoscopies themselves are obviously no joke, but that’s not to say that humor isn’t a great way to lighten a serious situation. So we hope you enjoy this collection of funny colonoscopy jokes and humor.
Funny Colonoscopy Jokes & Proctologist Jokes
As a trainee proctologist, I had to work my way up from the bottom.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient’s notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it’s actually his thermometer that’s there.
He says, “Darn, some asshole has my pen.”
I had to go to the hospital for a gastroscopy today.
There were three other guys in the waiting room.
The doctor came through and explained what has happening to the four of us. He said that I was having the gastroscopy, which is the camera down the throat and the other three were there for a colonoscopy, which is the camera up the butt. He then asked if any of us had any questions.
I said: “Yes. Can I go first?”
These two guys are sat in their hospital beds having a little chat.
The first guy asks the second, “What are you in for?”
“Camera down the throat.” the second guy replies.
“Oh, endoscopy?” the first guy asks.
The second guy says, “Yeah. Checking for stomach cancer. How about you?”
“Camera up the butt” the first guy says.
“Oh colonoscopy, checking for bowel cancer?” asks the second guy.
The first guy says, “No, my neighbor was sunbathing and my wife caught me taking a photo.”
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?
A Cameron Diaz.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn’t hurt as much as you might think.
It’s the crew that’s the killer.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, “Can you back that up a little, it’s irritating my tonsils.
Did you hear about the proctologist and the pyschiatrist who opened a practice together?
They called it “Odds and Ends”.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
Three guys are talking in a bar one day. They start talking about how their cars reflect their careers.
The first guy says, “I’m a pimp and so I drive a cheap Escort.”
The second guy says, “I’m a herpetologist and so I drive a Dodge Viper.”
The third guy says, “I’m a proctologist, and I drive a brown Probe.”
I got my colonoscopy results.
The doctor gave me two thumbs up.
A little old lady has an appointment with a proctologist.
The proctologist does the exam, and then discusses the results with her.
He ends by saying, “Do you have any questions for me, Mrs. Smith?”
The little old lady looks at him scoldingly and says “Yes. Does your mother know what you’re doing?”
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
I went for a colonoscopy the other day and the doctor told me to lie on my left side.
I said, “Sorry I only lie on my right side. I always tell the truth on my left side.
I had to go for a colonoscopy the other day.
The next day when I got home from work my wife said, “The doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.”
This guy has a glass eye and he has the rather disgusting habit of taking it out and popping it into his mouth to clean it.
One day, as was probably inevitable, he accidentally swallows it.
So he goes to see a proctologist without telling him what his exact problem is.
The doctor runs the sigmoidoscope up his backside and then screams.
The guy asks him, “What’s the matter, doc?”
The proctologist replies, “I don’t know! I’ve looked up a lot of butts before, but never one that looked back at me!”
I went for a colonoscopy the other day. As I lay on my side on the table, the nurse got ready to do the examination. As they did so they looked at me and smiled as they said, “Don’t worry, it’s quite normal to get an erection.”
I said, “I haven’t got an erection.”
They said, “No, but I do.”
I’ve just seen the video of my colonoscopy.
The picture was crap.
As the doctor put the camera up my butt, I said, “Aren’t you taking an awfully indirect route for an eye exam? This is the optometrist’s office, right?”
I told my wife that my doctor had referred me for a colonoscopy.
She said, “Your head is so far up your ass surely you can see what’s going on up there yourself?”
“Straight ahead for a bit then there’s a sharp left, so take it slowly,” I said.
“The screen is for my benefit, Mr. Jones,” the doctor said, “and this isn’t my first colonoscopy.”
I asked my Dad how is colonoscopy went.
He said it was a pain in the butt.
What should a colonoscopy really be called?
My colonoscopy wasn’t the best experience of my life.
But it was right up there.
What kind of camera do they use for colonoscopies?
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
I had a colonoscopy the other day.
Worst dentist appointment I’ve ever had.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy.
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
What’s the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
My English professor had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
The vet really screwed up my pig’s colonoscopy.
He’s pretty ham-fisted.