Death is something that many of us don’t like to talk about, although it comes to us all in the end. But not seeing the funny side of it is a grave mistake, as shown by these funny funeral and death jokes!
As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.
But he left me hanging.
Death Row Prisoner
A death row prisoner was told how he was going to be executed.
Needless to say, he was shocked.
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, so it’s pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
People always told my dad his pride would be the death of him.
And sure enough he was eaten by his favorite lion last Friday.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared to deal with the Reaper cushions.
Last To Stop
After you die what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
I once thanked a French guy to death.
It was a merci killing.
I was sad to hear the Head of Latin at my old Catholic school died yesterday.
A mass will be said for him later today.
This morning I got up out of bed and then looked out of my window to see what the weather was like.
I saw a guy in a black hooded robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe, so I thought I’d do the neighborly thing and go out and help him.
I was just about to walk out of the door when my wife grabbed me and shouted, “Stop! You’re de-icing with death.”
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
“It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.
A guy with a stutter died in prison …
Before he could finish his sentence.
My grief counsellor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn’t care.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was, “Pints, Liters, Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
The man who invented Velcro died.
The guy who stole my diary just died.
My thoughts are with his family.
Covered In Lard
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.
After that, he went downhill fast.
My best friend sadly passed away yesterday so I went to see his wife today.
I said to her, “Look on the bright side, at least he’s not suffering anymore.”
She replied, “But he wasn’t ill, he died suddenly.”
I said, “I know, I meant being married to you.”
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
“Are you serious – I can’t believe you’ve never had a mobile phone?” asked a girl I was chatting to in a nightclub. “What if your parents died and someone needed to get hold of you?”
“Well that’s hardly likely to happen, they died 6 years ago!” I said angrily.
“Oh I’m so sorry, you still sound really hurt?” she replied.
I said, “Of course I am, I only heard about it 2 days ago.”
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I’ve just got back from my friend’s funeral.
He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
The inventor of throat lozenges has died.
There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.
I hate how funerals are usually at 9am or 10am.
I’m not a mourning person.
I went to the inventor of Optrex’s funeral today.
There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.
What do you call the best salesman at a funeral home?
The Top Urner.
I was at a funeral today and I asked the priest for the wifi password.
“Have some respect for the dead!” he said.
“Okay, is that all lower case with no spaces?” I asked.
My friend drowned and it was his funeral yesterday. All his friends clubbed together and we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it’s what he would have wanted.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces of the deceased together.
Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious.
I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish.
I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice.
This world-renowned cardiologist sadly died. He was so famous he was given an extremely elaborate funeral that was attended by his fellow physicians, family members, friends and members of the public who he’d treated over the years.
During the service, there was a huge heart made out of flowers that stood behind the casket. At the end of the service, the heart opened and the casket slowly rolled inside. When the casket had disappeared, the heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside forever.
Everyone was very emotional and crying at this beautiful moment, except for one mourner who burst into laughter. Everyone turned to stare angrily at him.
He said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking about my own funeral – I’m a gynaecologist.”
Mind The Wall
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall whilst carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan.
So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there’s another funeral for her.
At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”
As the coffin is being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams, “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters…
“Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork.”