Funny One Liner Jokes

Here at LaffGaff, we love funny one liner jokes. It’s always amazing to us how so much wit and double meaning can be encapsulated in such short jokes. That though is the beauty of good one liners. As Wikipedia puts it “a good one liner is said to be pithy.” Below we’ve gathered together a collection of the most hilarious one liners we could find – these aren’t just good one liners, they’re great one liners!

We hope you enjoy them as much as us… and if you do, check out our dirty one liners too.

A collection of really funny one liners

A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of my ribbon-repair business yesterday!

Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?

If I don’t perfect human cloning, I won’t be able to live with myself.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology – don’t buy it!

Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams move is Mrs. Fire.

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, “In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.”

My fear of moving stairs is escalating.

I went along to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting but all the seats were taken.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.

People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times.

I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159, then it just CLIX.

I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.

People say I’m condescending; that means I talk down to people.

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Say what you want about deaf people…

Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.

Nothing tops a plain pizza.

I’ve spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no-one will do it.

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home all the signs were there.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought “Dogs are easily amused”, then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.

PMS jokes are not funny or appropriate – period!

I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

Hedgehogs, eh? Why can’t they just share the hedge?

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet – you can hide, but you can’t run.

Velcro – what a rip-off!

My friend keeps trying to convince me that he’s a compulsive liar but I don’t believe him.

It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.

I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.

I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.

My wife told me sex is better on holiday… that wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.


Funny One Liners

If you liked our selection of funny one liner jokes, check out our the rest of our site for lots more funny jokes with loads more of the best one liner jokes, including these: