Funny Cop Jokes & Puns

We were charged with bringing you only the most funny cop jokes and police puns. so here they are! We’re sure you find them really arresting! If you don’t you’d better bail outta here!

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Best Cop Jokes & Police Puns

Police say that the man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it… Has been bailed.

Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do? Miner: Mine.

Thieves have stolen all the police dogs from my local station. Police say they have no leads.

Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform. I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realised he was one of those plane clothes cops.

A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you between 5 and 6?” I replied, “Kindergarten.”

Police attending an incident returned to their car to find all four wheels had been stolen. Officers are working tirelessly to find the culprit.

A man in a police interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” The cop says, “You are the lawyer.” The lawyer replies, “Exactly, so where’s my present?”

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I called the cops. I think he must be a part of some extreme mist group.

There’s a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA. The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia.” Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!”

I got pulled over by the cops and asked if I had a police record. I said, “No, but I’ve got a Sting album.”

I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off. He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.

Latest news: A hole has been found in the wall surrounding the local nudist colony. Police say they are looking into it.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn. But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

Thieves have broken into the local police station and stolen all the toilets. A police spokesman said they have nothing to go on.

XBox and PlayStation are having a fight. Then the cops show up: “Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U…”

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man’s apartment, the officer found the man’s bag at the bottom of the stairwell. It was a brief case.

In my police interview I answered, “No comment” to every question. I didn’t get the job.

Latest news: weight loss pills stolen this morning. Police say suspects are still at large.

A truck carrying a large shipment of wigs has been hijacked. The police say they don’t know who’s responsible but they’re combing the area for clues.

A guy got pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop said, “Do you know how fast you were going, Sir?” The guy replied, “I was just trying to keep up with the traffic.” The cop said, “There is no traffic, Sir.” The guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am.”

Reports are coming in of a collision between a prison van and a concrete mixer. Police are looking for four hardened criminals.

I went out dressed as a battery and my friend went out dressed as a firework. We got arrested by the cops. They charged me and let my friend off.

Police have reported that a midget clairvoyant has escaped from prison. There’s a small medium at large.

At the murder scene the first cop says to his partner, “This seems racially motivated.” The second cop replies, “Hate crime?” The first cop says, “Of course I hate crime, idiot. That’s why I’m a cop.”

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway. The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat. The cop asks the driver, “Ma’am, why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?” The old lady replies, “I was just going the posted speed limit!” and points to a sign up ahead. The cop smiles and says, “That’s not the speed limit sign, ma’am, that’s the sign for this highway – Route 20!” One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, “We tried to tell you, Eugenia!” The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle. “What’s the matter, ladies? Are you okay?” the cop asks. One of the ladies responds, “We just came off of Interstate 190.”

A cop searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found my stash of drugs. “It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try and flush them down the toilet, somehow they always appear back in my pocket again. It must be magic.” The cop laughed and asked, “Do you really think that I’m going to believe that?” I said, “I can prove it if you want me to.” “Okay, go on then.” he smiled, as he gave me the bag of drugs. After I’d flushed them down the toilet, he looked at me with a grin and said, “Well, go on. Show me your pocket then!” “What for?” I asked. He said, “The drugs.” I said, “What drugs?”

Thieves broke into a warehouse and stole 5,000 bars of soap. Police say they made a clean getaway.

Latest news: man found dead in a vat of falafel condiment. Police are treating it as a hummuscide.

A cop arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car has smashed into a tree. He rushes over to the car and asks the driver, “Are you badly hurt?” “How do I know?” the driver replies. “I’m not a lawyer.”

Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.

Cops have arrested a man dressed in a brown paper suit for rustling.

Thieves have broken into the local police station and stolen all the lamp shades. Police are unable to shed any light on the case.

I went to the police and told them my credit card had been stolen six months earlier. They asked my why I hadn’t reported it earlier. I said, “Because the thief was spending less than my wife.” So then they asked why I was reporting it now. I said, “I think the thief’s wife has started using it.”

Latest news: Blunt pencils stolen. Police say the robbery was pointless.

I yelled, “Shotgun” long before anyone else, but I still had to sit in the backseat. I hate cops.

My wife has been missing for a week and the police told me to prepare for the worst. So I went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

A turtle was walking down the street when he was attacked by a gang of snails. When asked by the police what happened he said, “I don’t know, it all happened so quickly.”

There was a knock at my door earlier. When I opened the door a cop was stood there. “Mr Jones?”, he asked. “Yes,” I replied. “I’m afraid your dog’s just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.” I said, “I don’t think so – my dog doesn’t have a bike.”

The other week the cops arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car. They told me not to be so silly, and to sit properly.

Latest news: Bank robbed by basketball player and jockey. Police are searching high and low for the culprits.

If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals… Left and right.

A policeman accidentally arrested a judge who had dressed as a convict for a costume party. That cop learned never to book a judge by his cover.

Latest news: sword swallower found dead. Police suspect it’s an inside job.

A group of teenagers cruised past my neighbor’s house and pelted it with rotten tomatoes. Police described it as a drive-by fruiting.

Latest news: suspected fake dentist arrested. Police perform cavity search for evidence.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these funny cop jokes and police puns, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:

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