Prison Jokes And Puns

We couldn’t keep these funny prison jokes and puns locked up any longer! It was only fair that we set them free!

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Funny Prison Jokes

Mitochondria would be a great prison nickname.

They’d be the powerhouse of the cell.

I just got a new job at a prison library.

It has its prose and cons.

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Because you know he is actually guilty.

A man called his twin brother from prison.

“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.

I thought to myself, that’s a little con descending.

I hear prisoners in jail get drunk a lot.

They hang around bars 24/7.

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years.

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it.

Imagine you’re a prisoner stuck in a cell. How do you get out?

Stop imagining.

Prison may be just one word.

But to others, it’s a whole sentence.

“Jesus loves you” is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

An alcoholic wakes up in jail and asks the nearest officer why he’s there.

“For excessive drinking” the officer replies.

“Great, when do we start?”

A woman visits her husband in prison.

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer, “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!”

The officer laughs, saying, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!”

“Rubbish! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months!”

A man with a stutter died in prison.

He never got to finish his sentence.

What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

An escaped prisoner was captured down at the docks.

They were harboring a fugitive.

Just got offered a job teaching poetry in prison.

Spent all night thinking about the prose and cons.

A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway.

Police advise citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.

Why is it a good idea to put more books in prison libraries?

Because the prose outweigh the cons.

What’s the difference between a jeweller and a prison guard?

One watches cells and one sells watches.

My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table.

I told them I’m allergic to prison…

Because it always causes me to break out.

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates?

The prose outweighs the cons.

Prisoner: I’m sorry I tried to escape.

Guard: I’m not mad, just… disappointed.

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, “Gosh, I’d really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.”

The judge asked the woman what she stole.

She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “How many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t know what to do.

And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, “Your honor, wait!”

The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.

“She also stole a can of peas!”

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, “If you ever come close to me, I’ll skin you alive. When we’re sleeping, you don’t touch me. You hear me? Don’t ever talk to me, either.”

“Great,” I thought. “First day in here and I’m already married.”

Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, “Don’t worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time.”

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, “I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we’re feeling down.”

The third guy pulls out a box of tampons.

“What the hell are we supposed to do with those!?” ask the first two.

“Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, and play tennis with these.”

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these funny jokes about prison, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these: