FBI Jokes And Puns

Our undercover investigations have revealed these hilarious FBI jokes and puns! Be warned, you’ll find them very arresting!

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Funny FBI Jokes

If you were dating a FBI agent and you broke up…

He would be your fed ex.

My wife found a $5 bill in the washing machine.

Me: “I’m going to have to call the FBI.”

Wife: “Why?”

Me: “Because you’ve been laundering money.”

Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with “KGB” on it.

One of the agents asks the other, “Why didn’t they just write ‘1 TB’ instead?”

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.

Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting.

On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull’s-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.

The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship.

The man turned out to be the village idiot.

“This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen,” said the FBI man. “How in the world do you do it?”

“Nothing to it,” said the idiot. “I shoot first and draw the circles afterward.”

Why did the FBI search the duck?

Because he was a known quack dealer.

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.”

The old rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The agent verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”

Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer.

“See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answered given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher’s bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent.

The agent is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…

“Your badge! Show him your badge!”

Bubba was not a smart man by any stretch of the imagination, but he very much wanted to work for the FBI.

He took a trip up to Washington to take the admissions test, and after the test was scored, the agent in charge pulled Bubba aside.

He said, “Son, this may well be the worst I’ve ever seen anyone do on this test. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t look to me like you know a thing about criminology or history, which are critical to this line of work. You didn’t even spell FBI correctly! I mean, can you even tell me who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

Bubba thought for a moment, then shook his head.

The agent continued, “All right do this. Go home, study, and if you come back up here and can tell me who killed Abraham Lincoln, I’ll let you take the test again.”

Bubba agreed and took his return flight home.

When his friends asked, “How’d the FBI test go?” Bubba said “It went great! I’ve only been with the agency 12 hours and they’ve already got me on a murder case!”

I took a picture of my son sleeping earlier today.

Then I sent the picture to the FBI as evidence of a kid napping.

The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. We need you to kill her.”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agents said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.”

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife.

He took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another.

They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.

“Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks,” he said. “I had to strangle her to death.”

The FBI was shocked to uncover the inspirations of the train collecting serial killer.

He had loco-motives.

A McDonald’s grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat up the other staff.

The police arrive and he kicks their butt.

The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too.

The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can’t stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who swiftly takes out the angry cook!

Everyone looks at the manager, who just shrugs and says, “I guess you’ve just gotta fight fryer with fryer.”

What do you call an alligator who joins the FBI?

An Investi-gator.

Why did the Russian spy hate the FBI agent?

He kept bugging him.

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in.

They place animal informants throughout the forest.

They question all plant and mineral witnesses.

After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in.

After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in.

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling, “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

One morning, Bill is awakened by forceful banging on his door.

It was the FBI demanding to know where he kept his wood pile.

So, he leads them around behind the house and watches as they knock down every last bit of his neatly stacked pile without saying a word.

Then, they grab an axe and start busting open the logs.

Very confused at this point, he asks “Just what is going on?”

“Sorry sir. We received an anonymous tip that you were hiding narcotics in your wood pile. When we couldn’t find them, we had to bust the logs to make sure they weren’t false logs. You’ll be reimbursed for any damages.”

Shortly after Bill gets back in, his phone rings. It’s his buddy Tom.

“Hey, Bill. D’you get some company this morning?”

“Yeah. How’d you know?”

“They cut up your fire wood?”


“Happy birthday, Bill.”

The FBI arrested the math teacher who was holding a piece of graph paper.

He was definitely plotting something.

I’ve disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I’ve got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I’ve never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV – 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help.

Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply:

“Tell the President he’s holding the message upside down.”

If the FBI needs to get into someones’s iPhone without permission…

They should just call U2 and ask how they did it.

A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder.

He argued that there was no way he could have done it, as he was in vacation in Prague for the week of the killing.

The FBI took note of his travel records and let him go because his alibi Czeched out.

More Funny Jokes

If our detective work wasn’t in vain and you enjoyed our funny jokes about the FBI, why not investigate the rest of LaffGaff where you’ll discover lots more hilarious jokes such as these:

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