Funny lawyer jokes never lose their appeal! That’s because lawyers have long had a (some would say, well-deserved) bad reputation. In fact you could say they’re held in contempt… And it’s true that they’re a law unto themselves (pun intended!). Maybe that’s why there’s so many lawyer jokes around.
With that in mind, here’s a bumper collection of our favorite funny law jokes and lawyer jokes.
97 Funny Law & Lawyer Jokes
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent on a mission to Mars. Only one could go and they wouldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer and when he was asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
The interviewer asked, “Why so much more than the others?”
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
Criminal lawyer is a redundancy.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
Accountants know they’re boring.
A young lawyer died and went to heaven (unbelievable we know!).
When he got to there the lawyer started protesting that it was way too early for him to die.
He was only 32 years old, and there must be some mistake.
The angel listened to his protests, and agreed that perhaps it was a mistake and went away to look into it.
After a few minutes the angel came back and said, “I’m sorry sir but I’m afraid there is no mistake. We calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96.”
What’s the one thing that never works when it’s fixed?
What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Why did God invent lawyers?
So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
Make crime pay.
Become a lawyer.
What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along the street one day when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course. The other three are mythological creatures.
What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.
What did the lawyer call his daughter?
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
I rang my lawyer and asked him, “How much would you charge for answering three simple questions?”
He said, “Five thousand dollars.”
I said, “Five thousand dollars! That’s very expensive isn’t it?”
He said, “Yes, it is. Now, what’s your third question?”
What’s the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
One’s a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
A minister and a lawyer both die at the same time.
They arrive at the pearly gates to be greeted by Saint Peter who gives them their room assignments.
He says to the minister, “Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units.”
Then he says to the lawyer, “And for you, sir, the keys to our finest penthouse suite.”
The minister is not very happy at this and says, “That’s totally unfair!”
Saint Peter replies, “Listen, ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we’ve ever seen.”
How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Someone left the cages open in the Reptile House at the zoo the other day and there were snakes slithering all over the place.
The keeper tried everything, but he just couldn’t get the slippery animals back into their cages.
Finally, he yelled, “Quick, call a lawyer!”
Someone asked, “A lawyer? Why?”
The keeper said, “We need someone who speaks their language.”
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
A lawyer gets on an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asks the blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
So she takes the box and promises to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
The lawyer tells her that he’s holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he’s a lawyer.
He then goes on a rant at her about what will happen if she lets them thaw out.
Of course this really annoys the stewardess but she walks away without saying anything.
Just before the plane is due to land, the stewardess uses the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand.”
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
They’re both extinct.
A local United Way office realized one day that the organization had never received a single donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.
So the person in charge of contributions called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”
The lawyer interrupts, “Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
“Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the Lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “Sorry… I had no idea…”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage.
So I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer.
He said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A priest, a doctor and a lawyer are playing golf one day when they get stuck behind a particularly slow group.
After three holes, they complain to the club secretary, who explains, “Sorry, guys, that’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from burning down last year, so we let them play here for free any time they want to.”
“Oh, that’s so sad,” says the priest, “I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
“Good idea,” says the doctor, “I’ll contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there’s anything he can do.”
“That’s all very well,” says the lawyer, “but why can’t they play at night?”
What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
“So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.”
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits!”
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
The guy’s curiosity gets the better of him, so he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says. “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
What’s brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
My lawyer is a very smart guy.
He earns from my mistakes.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A prostitute will stop screwing you when you’re dead.
Two law partners hire a new secretary who just so happens to be young and very attractive.
A contest soon arises between the two partners as to who can bed her first, even though they’re both already married.
Eventually one of them succeeds and his partner is keen to find out how things went.
He asks, “So what did you think?”
To his surprise, the first lawyer replies, “My wife is better.”
Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer finally manages to seduce the secretary.
Afterwards, the first partner asks him, “So, what did you think?”
The second partner replies, “You were right.”
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
A lawyer says to the witness in the stand, “You seem to be quite a bit smarter than the average witness from your background.”
The witness replies, “Why thank you. I wish I wasn’t under oath so I could return the compliment.”
What’s the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
“That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: “That’s Strange!”
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick falls off when you are dead.
A cop arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How do I know?” replies the driver. “I’m not a lawyer.”
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
I don’t know. There are some things even a blonde won’t do.
Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks.
They then got sandwiches out of their briefcases and began to eat them.
The owner of the diner marched over and said to them, “Hey! You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then swapped sandwiches.
Know how copper wire was invented?
Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Their lips are moving.
Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
New Jersey got to pick first.
Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
A guy came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving. He was obviously really angry.
He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering to himself, “Asshole attorneys”.
The guy next to him looked at him angrily and said, “Hey, I want you to know I resent that remark”.
The first guy asked, “Why, are you an attorney?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”
Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, “we have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.”
“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.
“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
The lawyer looked across at his client and calmly said, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you.”
The client said, “Okay. I guess let’s here the good news first.”
So the lawyer said “You’re wife has found a picture worth a million dollars.”
The client replied, “Oh but that’s fantastic! But tell me, what’s the bad news?””
The lawyer said, “It’s a picture of you and your secretary.”
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
My wife accused me of being a terrible lawyer.
I couldn’t defend myself.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can’t understand.
Why do so many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
I owe everything I have in life to my wife.
I really should have hired a better divorce lawyer.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
My granddad hated arguments and always tried to keep out of them.
He was a lovely man. Terrible lawyer though.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
An old man was critically ill.
Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer and said, “I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?”
“It’s $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You’ll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?”
The old man replied, “That’s my business! Just get me the course!”
Four days later, the old man got his law degree.
His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end.
Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said to him, “Please, before it’s too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?”
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer…”
Why do lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked the nurse, “Why are all the blinds drawn?”
The nurse replied, “There’s a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think you’d died.”
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher said to another, “Did you know in our lab we’ve switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?”
“Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?”
The first researcher said, “Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do.”
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
Because deep down, they’re really good people.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
There was a young couple who were very much in love and due to be married. The night before the wedding though, both were tragically killed in a car crash.
They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a few weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter to one side and said, “My fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we really regret we didn’t get the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?”
St. Peter looked at him and said, “I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. You’ll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks.”
Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request to be married. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, “I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again.”
A year duly went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, “I’m sorry to disappoint you but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request.”
This happened year after year, for ten years. Each time they reasserted their desire to be married and each time God put them off for another year. In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again. This time the Lord answered, “Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00 p.m. We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!”
The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful. The Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven’s denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.
Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few months, the newly weds realized that they had made a horrible mistake and they simply couldn’t stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty. Grovelling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.
The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, “Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it’ll take us to find a lawyer?”
Law & Lawyer Puns & Jokes
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