Detective Jokes And Puns

Our investigations have discovered these hilarious detective jokes and puns! If you have a bad case of laughter, you know who the culprit is!

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Funny Detective Jokes

My wife said, “You act like a detective too much, I want to split up.”

“Good idea!” I replied. “We can cover more ground that way!”

Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

What’s a good name for a detective?

Mr. E.

What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?

An investi-gator.

Officer: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar of antlers.

Detective: Dear God!

Officer: Yes most likely.

A detective showed up at my house and asked me where I was between 5 and 6.

I told him kindergarten.

What do you call a detective electrician?

Sherlock Ohms.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

“Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy…” the third guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

Why do detectives have such bad posture?

Because they always have a hunch.

Why do ducks make great detectives?

They always quack the case.

A detective story:

11:45 – arrived at crime scene.

11:45 – Examined body. Signs of struggle.

11:45 – Found murder weapon in drain.

11:45 – Realised watch was broken.

Detective Johnson and detective Smith were investigating a murder that occurred next to a playground.

The only witnesses to the murder were four children, a brother age 3 and sister age 4, and a different brother (age 7) and sister (age 8).

The children all lived in a nearby apartment complex.

The younger siblings lived in apartment 8D and the older ones lived in apartment 9D.

Detective Johnson advised Detective Smith that she probably shouldn’t bother question 8D’s children about what they saw, since they’re too young to have a reliable memory.

He believed that Smith would have a better chance of getting good information from the older children, since only 9D’s kids will remember.

A detective is staking out the entrance of a romantic restaurant and after a few hours of not seeing the criminals he’s looking for he gets hungry.

He calls his partner to fill in for five minutes while he grabs some dinner and tells him to “Take a picture of every single person that walks through the door.”

The partner waits for the detective to return and when he does the detective asks to see the photos that he took.

The partner replies, “I didn’t see any single people, I saw a lot of couples though.”

How did the detective figure out who the engineer murdered?

He found his locomotive.

Yesterday, someone stole every single toilet from the local police station.

Today, detectives still have nothing to go on.

Why do potatoes make such good detectives?

Because they always have their eyes peeled.

Coroner Dad: He died at precisely 11-45 p.m.

Detective: Are you positive?

Coroner: It’s difficult with all the dead bodies around, but I’m hanging in there.

There was a murder. The detective suspected the artist first…

Because he was sketchy.

Two detectives were investigating a murder at a construction site.

The evidence wasn’t concrete.

As the detective examined the crime scene at the carnival he came upon the man working the “Guess your weight” booth.

The detective had the man arrested as an accomplice to the criminal.

He was charged with helping the criminal get a weigh.

Where do pirate detectives work?

Scotland Yarrrrd.

What do you get when you cross a mason and a detective?

Concrete evidence.

Why are seals such good detectives?

Because their cases are always airtight.

Who’s the world’s most famous skeleton detective?

Sherlock Bones.

Why are distillery workers such good detectives?

They are always looking for more proof.

A detective was standing on a cliff, and said…

“I’m going to get to the bottom of this!”

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

“Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy.”

“Wow!” says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

“That’s some locomotive.”

Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”

Larry asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

A hole has been discovered in the women’s bathroom wall at the police station.

The detectives are looking into it.

What do you call a ghost detective?

An inspectre.

More Funny Jokes

Now you’ve got to the bottom of this case of hilarious jokes about detectives, why not investigate the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these: