Thief Jokes And Puns

You can steal these funny thief jokes and puns if you like! We take it you will love them because they’re sure to steal your attention!

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Funny Thief Jokes

The guy who stole my diary just died.

My thoughts are with his family.

To the person who stole my selfie stick…

You need to take a long look at yourself.

A thief broke into my house last night looking for money.

So I got out of bed to look with him.

A warning to the person who stole my glasses.

I have contacts!

To the thief who stole my pillow, know this…

I will not rest until I find you.

What’s the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, “Give me all your money!”

A professional thief says, “Sign here please.”

A thief tried to steal the paintings at the Louvre in Paris.

He was caught two blocks away when he ran out of gas.

He said, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh. But I tried because I had nothing Toulouse.”

I went to the police and told them my credit card had been stolen six months earlier.

They asked my why I hadn’t reported it earlier.

I said, “Because the thief was spending less than my wife.”

So then they asked why I was reporting it now.

I said, “I think the thief’s wife has started using it.”

A drunk in a bar is yelling, “All lawyers are thieves!”

The guy sitting next to him says, “Whoa, easy there buddy.”

The drunk says, “Are you a lawyer?”

“No, I’m a thief,” says the guy.

Police say that the man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it…

Has been bailed.

I almost got caught stealing a board game today.

But it was a Risk I was willing to take.

What happens if someone steals uranium?

It becomes theiranium.

To the guy who stole my antidepressants…

I hope you’re happy.

I get so angry when I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt.

I just can’t take it.

I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek.

An aspiring thief enters the theatre…

And steals the spotlight.

A thief thought it would be funny to steal Si from the periodic table.

It was a silly con.

The thief who stole my iPhone…

Could face time.

What did the police do when they caught the thief stealing the desserts from the bakery?

They took him into custardy.

Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief.

It was stainless steel.

What is a thief’s house made out of?


What kind of shoes does a thief wear?


A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

Man: “No, but she will be home shortly.”

A thief pointed a knife at me and said, “Your money or your life”

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life.

He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief?

He had loco motives.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, said, “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

What’s the difference between politicians and thieves?

A thief steals your money and then runs.

A politician runs and then steals your money.

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.

I mean, I’ve seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

What’s the difference between a voyeur and a thief?

A thief snatches your watch.

I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief.

But when I got home all the signs were there.

What did the man say to the thief stealing his cheese?

Stop stealing my cheese.

How does a booze thief make you feel better?

He lifts your spirits.

The thief who stole my calendar…

Got 12 months.

A man in Florida has been caught on CCTV stealing police car tyres.

Police are reported to be working tirelessly to catch the thief.

What do you call a scientist that steals energy?

A Joule thief.

A lawyer and a politician are at the hospital when a doctor runs into the room.

“One of our patients is dying. He says his religion needs a lawyer and a politician to be with him before he passes.”

So the three hurry to the man’s room.

He’s in pain, but as soon as he sees them a smile comes over his face.

The lawyer steps forward and asks, “Out of all the people you could have chosen as a last request, why pick us?”

“Because,” the man says, “I want to die the way Jesus did. Between a liar and a thief.”

My electricity bill was running suspiciously high so I had the power company send someone over.

He found a wire tapped into my house running to a neighbor’s.

Watt do you know, a Joule thief lives next to my Ohm.

A thief stole a sine and a cosine.

He took the two identities to a beach.

However, they were too heavy for him to carry.

He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine.

He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine – but that resulted in tan!

He did not want to get tan so he stacked cosine over sine.

To the thief who stole my Microsoft Office…

I will get my revenge. You have my Word.

What did the Saudi bike thief say?

“Look, no hands!”

[Police Station] Me: I want to talk to the thief who broke into my house last night

Police: Why do you want to talk to him?

Me: I just want to know how he got into my house without waking up my wife. I’ve been trying it for years.

More Funny Jokes

If these funny jokes about thieves stole your attention, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more hilarious jokes, such as these:

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