The Best Clean Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris jokes beat all other jokes, hands down. In fact, even Chuck Norris laughs at these funny Chuck Norris jokes and facts! Enjoy them!

A collection of funny Chuck Norris jokes

Funny Chuck Norris Jokes

Even the great man himself couldn’t keep a straight face at these fantastic Chuck Norris jokes!

1. Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.

2. Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

3. Someone once asked Chuck Norris how many push ups he can do. He simply replied “All of them.”

4. Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about high gas prices. His vehicles run on fear.

5. When Chuck Norris turned 18 his parents moved out of the house.

6. Chuck Norris can win Connect Four in 3 moves.

7. Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups, he pushes the earth down.

8. Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.

9. Chuck Norris once visited the set of Desperate Housewives. Afterwards, they changed the name of the show to Satisfied Widows.

10. When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

11. Chuck Norris doesn’t eat honey, he chews bees.

12. Chuck Norris once judged an interpretive dance competition. He found them all guilty.

13. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

14. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now just The Islands.

15. Why doesn’t chuck Norris have hair on his balls? Because hair doesn’t grow on steel.

16. Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number. You pick up the wrong phone.

17. Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.

18. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

19. Chuck Norris beat Pokémon Go. In one day. From a landline.

20. When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

21. Chuck Norris CAN talk about Fight Club.

22. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

23. Chuck Norris never goes hunting, because hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

24. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

25. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

26. Chuck Norris can remember the future.

27. Chuck Norris once went to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life.

28. Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.

29. Bigfoot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

30. Chuck Norris’ motorcycle has 4 wheel drive.

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31. Chuck Norris can’t have a heart attack, because his heart isn’t stupid enough to attack him.

32. Chuck Norris can cut through a knife with hot butter.

33. Chuck Norris can parallel-park a train.

34. Chuck Norris can speak braille.

35. Chuck Norris has a bear skin rug in his front room. It’s not dead, it’s just too scared to move.

36. Chuck Norris can’t fly, but he does it anyway.

37. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

38. When Chuck Norris works out he doesn’t get stronger, the machine does.

39. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

40. Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

41. Before the bogeyman goes to sleep, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

42. A Black Mamba once bit Chuck Norris. After three days of excruciating pain, the Black Mamba died.

43. Chuck Norris has a full body tattoo of himself, only taller.

44. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

45. Chuck Norris wears sunglasses so that his eyes won’t hurt the sun.

46. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

47. When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn’t try to survive. The zombies do.

48. Chuck Norris doesn’t have to flush the toilet, he scares the shit out of it.

49. Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.

50. Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

51. Chuck Norris’ computer has no “backspace” button. Chuck Norris doesn’t make mistakes.

52. Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

53. It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

54. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

55. There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ beard, only another fist.

56. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

57. There once was a street called Chuck Norris, but the name was changed for public safety because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

58. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

59. Chuck Norris’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2. No-one fools Chuck Norris.

60. Chuck Norris picked an apple from an orange tree and made the best lemonade ever.

61. Chuck Norris doesn’t tea bag, he potato sacks.

62. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

63. If you go to Chuck Norris’ office, don’t ask for his three-hole punch.

64. Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe air. He holds air hostage.

65. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

66. Chuck Norris doesn’t use condoms because there’s no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

67. Chuck Norris invented the giraffe by roundhouse kicking a horse in the face.

68. Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.

69. Chuck Norris can punch a cyclops between the eye.

70. Jesus walked on water. Chuck Norris swims through land.

71. When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is courage?” He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

72. Chuck Norris can run all the way around the Earth and punch himself in the back of the head.

73. Chuck Norris doesn’t play “hide-and-seek.” He plays “hide-and-pray-I-don’t-find-you.”

74. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris, it’s definitely his last laugh.

75. Chuck Norris is actually dead. Death is simply to scared to tell him.

76. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

77. When Chuck Norris swims in the ocean, the sharks are in a steel cage.

78. The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favorite coffee mug.

79. Chuck Norris has a diary. It’s called the Guinness Book of World Records.

80. Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

81. Chuck Norris once traveled back in time and fought himself. He won.

82. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

83. It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child. Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.

84. What did Chuck Norris tell his father when he left for college? “You’re the man of the house now.”

85. Chuck Norris can hi-five himself with one hand.

86. Chuck Norris was shot today. The bullet is in critical condition.

87. Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead, it’s just afraid to move.

88. Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

89. Chuck Norris’s daughter lost her virginity. He got it back.

90. Chuck Norris actually died 6 years ago but the Grim Reaper still hasn’t gotten up the courage to tell him.

91. Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty and killed someone in Battlefield.

92. Did you know Chuck Norris was in every Star Wars movie? He played the force.

93. When Chuck Norris attends a feminism rally he comes back with his shirt ironed and a sandwich.

94. What does Chuck Norris say when fishing? “You, you and you, get out.”

95. Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea. Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

Funny Chuck Norris Facts & Jokes

If you enjoyed our funny Chuck Norris jokes and facts, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more really funny jokes, including our funny jokes about people, including these: