Wooden Leg Jokes And Puns

It would be a shame not to bring you these wooden leg jokes, wooden it? So here they are – all the best examples we could stump up! Hop to it and enjoy them!

Header image for a page of funny wooden leg jokes and puns.

Funny Wooden Leg Jokes

You can’t take a photo of a man with a wooden leg.

You really need a camera.

There was a man with a wooden leg called Steve.

I wonder what was his other leg was called.

I once dated a girl with a wooden leg.

But then I broke it off.

Did you know you can’t hang a man with a wooden leg?

You need to use a rope.

I stole a guy’s wooden leg once.

He was hopping mad!

A doctor sold a man a wooden leg on credit.

The leg walked so well that the man skipped town, leaving the doctor out on a limb.

How much did the pirate pay for his wooden leg and his hook?

An arm and a leg.

An elderly couple is dancing a waltz.

Halfway through the second dance the guy, an old sailor, asks his wife, “Darling, would you mind spinning the other way round?”

“Of course, why?”

“Because you’re unscrewing my wooden leg!”

My friend and I were fishing and he said to me, “I used to know a guy with a wooden leg named Smith.”

I replied, “Funny, what was the name of his other leg?”

I’ve bought my girlfriend a wooden leg for Christmas.

It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.

What did the pirate say when he found his wooden leg in the freezer?

Shiver me timbers.

What do you call a woman with a wooden leg?

Peggy.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn’t know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a package with the following letter:

“Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a complimentary pirate’s costume. The handkerchief can cover your bald head if you’d like, and with your wooden leg you will be a great pirate.

Very truly yours,

Faye’s Costumes”

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another package and a letter, which says:

“Dear Sir:

We are quite sorry about the misunderstanding. Please find enclosed a monk costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,

Faye’s Costumes”

Now the man is really upset, since they have gone from using his wooden leg to using his bald head! So again he writes the company another letter of complaint, being particularly nasty about how they’ve failed to meet both conditions with their previous attempts. The next week he gets a much smaller package and a note, which reads:

“Dear Sir:

You will find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt, and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,

Faye’s Costumes”

A man was walking in the country and saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn.

As he was pondering this, the pig’s owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig got his wooden leg.

The farmer said, “Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last May, and he dragged my kids to safety!”

“Is that how he lost his leg?” the man asked.

“No,” replied the farmer. “But a month ago, I almost drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to shore!”

“So that’s how he lost his leg,” the man asked.

“Oh, no. And just a week ago, my wife’s car slid off the road onto the train tracks. That pig broke through the window and helped her out just as a freight train came through!” “So THAT’S how he lost his leg!” the man said.

“No, sir.” “Then HOW did he lose it?” the man begged.

“Well sir,” the farmer replied, “When you got a pig that terrific, you don’t want to eat it all at once.”

A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand.

The bartender was curious. “How did you get that wooden leg?” he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. “‘Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg.”

The bartender said, “What about your hook?”

The pirate took another long swig. “Arrrr, twas the day the British navy caught me. They tied me to the mast, I escaped by gnawing my own hand off.”

The bartender was growing sceptical. “And how did you get that eyepatch?”

The pirate took another swig. “Twas a mutiny. Me own crew left me marrooned on a desert island. But I had no fear. I lay down on the sand to wait to be rescued. As I looked up, a seagull flew over and pooped in me eye.”

The bartender said, “That’s ridiculous, no one loses an eye from bird muck.”

The pirate finished his ale in one gulp, and grimaced. “Twas the first day with the hook.”

Once upon a time there was a boy with a wooden eye.

At his high school dance he was standing with his friends, too nervous to ask any girls to dance.

“I’m afraid they’ll make fun of my wooden eye,” he said.

His friend pointed to a girl with a wooden leg standing by herself in the corner, and said, “Hey, see that girl with the wooden leg? Ask her to dance! If she makes fun of your wooden eye, you can make fun of her wooden leg.”

So the boy with the wooden eye conjured up some courage, and he walked over to her.

“Excuse me, would you like to dance?” He asked.

She looked up, surprised and happy. A big smile was on her face.

“Oh, would I!” she said.

And he’s like, “Yeah?? Well stuff you, stumpy!!”

Why do pirates often have an eyepatch, a hook or wooden leg?

They can afford healthcare.

Did you hear about the man who had two wooden legs?

His house caught fire.

A neighbour called 911 and firemen responded.

They saved the house but the man burned to the ground.

A guy is walking down the street of Texas when he sees a homeless guy with wooden leg.

He immediately thinks, “Of course, some dirty homeless guy asking for money.”

Then he notices a written note in front of the homeless guy saying, “Veteran of Mexican war”.

The guy remembers what was going on during the war, he realized how the homeless guy was fighting for him while he was sitting at home doing nothing so he throws $5 to the homeless guy to show some appreciation for his sacrifice.

The homeless guy replies with big smile, “Gracias senor, gracias.”

A pirate goes to see the ship’s surgeon.

He kicks open the door and waddles in with a steering wheel in his pants.

“You gotta help me, this thing is drivin’ me…”

“Drivin’ yer nuts. Yeah, I get it. Hear that one all the time. Now, would you be so kind as to remove that darned thing from yer trousers and toss it in corner with the others?”

The pirate, taken off guard and a little embarrassed, sheepishly complies.

“Now,” says the surgeon, “Would you like to tell me what’s really on yer mind?”

“Well… it’s this new wooden leg ya gave me… it hurts! It keeps me up at nights, tossin’ and turnin’! I can’t get any rest at all! It pains me too much to stand, and the bosun said if I can’t climb the mast he’ll throw me overboard!”

“Oh, that’s nothin’ to worry about. Just a little restless peg syndrome.”

Where can you find a pirate who’s lost his wooden leg?

Right where you left him.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these hilarious puns and jokes about wooden legs, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more great jokes, such as these: