Minnesota Jokes

Minnesota may be cold but trust us when we say these funny Minnesota jokes will soon warm you up! After all, laughter is our bread and butter so we know good jokes when we see them.

Header image for a page of funny Minnesota jokes and puns.

Funny Minnesota Jokes And Puns

In Minnesota, it gets so cold…

You can eat softserve directly from the udder.

The Minnesota Vikings walk into a bar…

To watch the Super Bowl.

Which state serves the smallest soft drinks?

Minnesoda.

Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota?

Because that’s where the mini apple is!

Why do all the trees in Wisconsin lean west?

Minnesota sucks.

I heard Minnesota residents are very excited.

Rumor is going around that summer may fall on a weekend this year.

How can you tell when you’ve found a really good rock n roll band in Minnesota?

They have two accordions.

Why don’t the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal?

Every time they get close to the bowl, they choke.

What do you call gangsters from Minnesota?

Oh, jeez.

A boy worked in the produce section of the supermarket. One day, a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his manager what to do.

He walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, So he added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

The manager okayed the deal.

Later the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where’re you from, son?”

The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir.”

“Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” asked the manager.

The boy replied, “They’re all just loose women and hockey players up there.”

“My wife is from Minnesota,” the manager said.

The boy replied, “Really!? What position did she play?”

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home.

The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn’t see any street signs.

With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror.

Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized.

I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I’d turn left. He’d swing to the right, and I was right on his tail.

After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him.

“Why are you following me, kid?” the plow driver asked.

“Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it.”

“Well,” said the plow driver. “I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??”

A blonde is walking along the shoreline of a lake in Minnesota looking for seashells when she spots another blonde across the lake from her.

Eager for company, she shouts loudly, “How do I get to the other side?”

The other blonde shouts back, “You’re on the other side!”

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

“Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them, “Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?”

Ole replies, “Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.”

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat even more.

When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished and exclaims, “Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?”

Sven replies, “Vell, ya know, ve don’t git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve’ve yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather’s dis nice.”

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell.

The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, “I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now its freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two?”

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, “Vell, don’t ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.”

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall.

“What’s wrong?” the others ask.

“I work for 7 Up!”

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.

To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Vell,” said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief. “Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat truck!”

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar.

He walks in and orders a glass of wine.

Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee.

The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, “You ain’t from around here are you?”

“No sir,” the guy replies, “I’m from Minnesota.”

“What the hell do you do in Minnesota?” the bartender asks.

“I’m a taxidermist!” answers the man.

“What the hell is that!?” The bartender asks.

The guy says nervously, “I umm, mount dead animals.”

The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay fellas, he’s one of us!”

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

“I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…”

“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

I’m not a fan of big soda.

But I’m very fond of Minnesota.

New York might have the Big Apple…

But Minnesota is where the Minneapolis.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these funny Minnesota jokes and puns, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes such as these: