America Jokes

Believe US when we say these are the best America jokes and puns! Everything is bigger in America, so here’s an extra large serving of laughs!

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Funny America Jokes & Puns

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

Studies show 9 in 10 Americans do not have basic math skills.

I’m so glad I’m in the 1%.

Why don’t Americans eat snails?

Because they like fast food.

What do you call a bee that lives in America?

A USB.

Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings.

My girlfriend asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”

I said, “America.”

The other day I was arrested for pretending I was an American politician!

All I was doing was just sitting there doing nothing.

It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore.

I just bought a new TV. and it said “Built in antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is!

Today I learned that America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald’s combined.

Starbucks and McDonald’s have a combined total of 0 museums.

Why do Native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.

What’s the difference between America and Canada?

The Americans have really nice neighbors.

America is a free country.

Free to Play, but Pay to Win.

What’s the difference between America and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.

A drunk German is urinating on a bush.

An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, “Gross!”

The German says, “Danke!”

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

My girlfriend used to work at an American prison in Cuba.

She’s my Guantanamo Bae.

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.

“Two dogs, please,” she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.” One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.

Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”

When do Americans and the rest of the world reach consensus?

When it’s -40°.

What’s the difference between an American and an Englishman?

To an Englishman, 100 miles is a long way. To an American, 100 years is a long time.

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Neither. They’re immigrants in America.

An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.

The juggler notices they’re having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, “Can you see me now?”

They answer one at a time:

“Yes.”

“Oui.”

“Sí.”

“Ja.”

How do you get America to enter a World War?

Tell them it’s almost over.

If you speak 3 languages you’re trilingual.

If you speak 2 languages you’re bilingual.

If you speak 1 language you’re American.

Why don’t Americans use the metric system?

Because they have a foot fetish.

What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

Americans have a terrible sense of humor.

I mean, our healthcare is a joke and most of us don’t even get it.

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