They say everything’s bigger in Texas, so here’s a huge collection of hilarious Texas jokes and puns for y’all to enjoy!
Funny Texas Jokes
What’s the difference between Taxes and Texas?
Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.
Some people say the land north of Texas is pretty rough.
But I think it’s OK.
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.
She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.
A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).
The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts.
However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.
TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Bike”.
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
“You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains.
“It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
Why did the man decide to get divorced in Texas?
He remembered the alimony.
If Texas saw many more tornadoes…
It would be called “Vortexas”.
I was in a bar in Texas, when a man walks in wearing a paper cowboy hat, a paper shirt, paper jeans, paper chaps and paper boots.
Anyway, the sheriff burst in and arrested him for rustling.
Texas Prisoner Found Dead After Consuming Smuggled Fish Eggs.
He died on death roe.
What do men wear in a Texas synagogue?
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and a juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said that if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Trooper’s car.
A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to his car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger.
She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, “That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I’m a gonna go over there and help.”
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, “Kin ya swaller?”
Gasping, she shook her head no.
He asked, “Kin ya breathe?”
Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.
The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, “Ya know, it’s sure amazin’ how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works.”
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just gave birth to “a typical Texas” baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds!”
The bartender is concerned, “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”
A Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The barman gives him a drink.
The Texan looks at the drink and commenting on how small it is, he says that they are 10 times bigger in Texas.
In the interest of good relations, the barman gives him another 9 drinks free of charge.
Later the Texan comes up and orders a bag of peanuts.
When given the small bag, he again comments on the size of it, and the barman again gives him 9 free.
The Texan is pleased with the service he got and notes some positive feedback on a card as he leaves.
A few weeks later, in recognition of his good deeds, the barman is given a special award for his services to local tourism.
He is given a monetary prize and with his prize money, he books a holiday in Texas.
He walks into the hotel bar and orders a drink.
To his surprise the barman puts up a huge drink in front of him.
He then orders some nuts and is given a huge packet.
Looking around at the massive bar and thinking about all he has seen he concludes that his own customer was right and that everything is bigger in Texas.
After eventually finishing his drink he staggers up to the bar and asks where the toilets are.
The barman points to a door and says that he should go through it and he’ll find them near the end of the corridor.
He heads towards the door and opens it and walks down the corridor. There are two doors at the end, one to the toilets and one to the hotel swimming pool.
In his drunken state, he goes through the wrong door and falls into the swimming pool.
He starts to scream. Hearing the commotion, a moment later the hotel barman runs through the door and stands at the edge of the pool.
The guest looks up at him in horror and screams, “Don’t flush! Don’t flush!”
The Pope was state bound scheduled to give a speech in Dallas, TX.
On their way to the venue the Pope rolls down the privacy glass in the limo and says to his chauffeur, “Hey, you know what? I’ve always rode in these things, but I’ve never driven one! Do you mind if we switch spots?”
Being it was the Pope himself, the chauffeur felt he couldn’t say no so he obliged and exchanged seats.
It had been years since the Pope had driven, and he was having the time of his life cruising down the interstate going over 100mph!
Consequently he was clocked by a state trooper and pulled over. As the trooper approached the vehicle and got a glance at the driver he quickly turned around and returned to his squad car to call his supervisor.
The trooper called in and told the sergeant, “Sergeant, I’m afraid I pulled over someone very very important.”
To which the reply came, “Well, who is it, the governor?”
“No, no, much more important than that!”
“I’m afraid even more important than that!”
“Well, who the heckl is it then?!”
“I don’t know, but his chauffeur is the freakin’ Pope!”