Insurance Jokes And Puns

Insurance is not normally a laughing matter and jokes and humor are not something that is usually associated with the insurance business. However, there is always laughter to be found somewhere and so here is a collection of our favorite funny insurance jokes and one liners.

And if you enjoy our insurance jokes, you’re sure to love our page of genuine funny car insurance claims here.

A collection of funny insurance jokes and insurance one liners

Funny Insurance Jokes

1. What do an insurance policy and a woman have in common?

They are both expensive, difficult to understand and what you get is not guaranteed.

2. What’s the difference between a whole life policy and a man?

A whole life policy eventually matures.

3. An insurance agent visited his local museum and accidentally knocked over a statue.

The museum curator said to him, “That’s a six hundred year old statue that you’ve broken!”

The insurance agent replied, “Thank God for that! I thought it was a new one.”

4. What’s the difference between an actuary and an accountant?

An actuary looks at his shoes when he talks to you. An accountant looks at your shoes.

5. A doctor, an engineer and an actuary were arguing one day about which was the oldest profession.

The doctor said that as God created Eve from Adam’s rib, and this of course was a surgical procedure, so being a doctor must be the oldest profession.

But the engineer replied that before that, God had created order out of chaos, which was an engineering feat and so engineering must be the oldest profession.

The actuary asked, “Yeah, but who created the chaos?”

6. Yesterday this guy walked in to the insurance brokers where I work and tried to claim for his $25,000 pornography collection which he said had been destroyed in a house fire.

I asked him if he had any proof of purchase.

“No, sorry” he replied.

So then I asked him if he had any photographs of the items prior to the fire.

“Sorry, no I don’t” he replied.

So I asked him, “But then how do I know that this isn’t some sort of scam?”

He took out his wallet, reached in and pulled out a picture of his wife and showed it to me.

I didn’t even charge him his excess.

7. This drunk wanders into a hotel lounge where an insurance convention just happens to be taking place. The drunk is hell-bent on causing trouble and he yells, “I think all insurance agents are crooks, and if anyone doesn’t like it, come up and do something about it.”

Straight away, this guy runs up to him and says angrily, “Hey! You take that back right now!”

The drunk sneers and asks, “Why, are you an agent?”

The man replies, “No, I’m a crook.”

8. My boss said to me, “You must be crazy! How can you issue a life insurance policy to a 108 year old man?”

I said, “As you told me, I applied all the proper, stringent statistical tests. Not a single 108 year old man has died in the last five years.

9. What do hospital gowns and insurance policies have in common?

You’re never covered as much as you think you are.

10. An insurance boss was very happy with the year’s results so he said to his staff, “As you’ve all worked so hard this year, I’m going to give you each a check for $5,000. And if you work just as hard next year, I’ll think about signing them.”

11. “I hope you’re feeling very honored,” said the businessman to the life insurance agent. “You ought to be because so far today I’ve had my secretary turn away eight insurance agents.”

The agent said, “Yes, I know, I’m all of them.”

12. There are four insurance companies that are in intense competition with each other and are trying to come up with new advertising slogans to outdo the others.

The first company comes up with the slogan: “Coverage from the cradle to the grave.”

The second company is impressed but nonetheless tries to better it with: “Coverage from the womb to the tomb.”

Not wanting to be outdone, the third company thinks long and hard before coming up with the slogan: “From the sperm to the worm.”

The fourth insurance company really struggles to better this and spends ages trying to think of something. They had almost given up when they finally came up with: “From the erection to the resurrection.”

13. A cop arrives at the scene of an accident to find a car has smashed into a tree and the driver is till inside. The cop rushes over and asks the driver, “Are you okay?”

The driver replies, “How do I know? I’m not a lawyer.”

14. This life insurance agent was completing an application and got to the part about health history.

He asked the client how his grandfather died.

The client replied, “He died quietly in his sleep… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”

15. An underwriter was leaving for work one day when his wife asked him, “You always carry my photograph with you when you’re going to the office. Why?”

The underwriter replied, “Well, whenever I hit a problem, no matter how impossible it might seem, I just take a look at your photo and the problem just goes away.”

The underwriter’s wife was very pleased with this reply and said to her husband warmly, “Ha! See how wonderful and miraculous I am for you?”

The underwriter replied “Yes, I just take a look at your picture and then I say to myself, ‘What other problem can there be greater than this one?'”

15. What did God say when he created actuaries?

He scratched his head and said, “Go figure!”

They took it literally.

16. A traveller was exploring a remote island that was inhabited solely by cannibals. One day the traveller came upon a butcher’s shop which specialised in human brains. The brains were different prices according to the source. The sign in the shop had the prices as follows:

Actuary’ Brains….. $7/lb

Loss Control Brains….. $10/lb

Underwriters’ Brains….. $15/lb

Claims Adjusters’ Brains ….$30/lb

Insurance Executives’ Brains…. $90/lb

When he read the sign, the traveller exclaimed, “My, those insurance executives’ brains really must be something special!”

The butcher replied, “Are you kidding me! Do you have any idea how many of them we have to kill to get a pound of brains?”

17. Sue owned a storage place and one day it burned down, so she called the insurance company.

She said, “I had that storage place insured for sixty thousand dollars and I want my money.”

The agent replied, “Well just a minute, Ma’am, because unfortunately it doesn’t work quite like that. First, we will determine the value of the old store and provide you with a new one of equivalent value.”

Sue paused for a minute and then said, “Well, if that’s is the case, I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband!”

18. I was having a big row with my grandma the other day.

“You only care about my inheritance”, she shouted.

“It’s not that”, I replied, “but why would you spend your savings on a cremation when we could just set the house on fire after you die and get some insurance money along the way?

19. An insurance sales rep, an admin clerk and their manager are walking to lunch one day when they suddenly come across an antique oil lamp just lying in the street. The manager picked it up, rubbed it and amazingly a genie appeared out of it in a puff of smoke.

The genie said, “Hmm, there are three of you and I usually only grant three wishes so I’ll just give you one wish each.”

The admin clerk was very excited and said, “Me first! Me first! I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”

There was another puff of smoke and she disappeared.

The sales rep was astonished and also very excited. “Me next! Me next!” he said. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my very own beautiful personal masseuse, an endless supply of piña coladas and the love of my life.”

There was another puff of smoke and he disappeared.

Then the genie said to the manager, “Ok, it’s your turn now.”

The manager replied, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

The moral of the story? Always let your boss have the first say.

20. An insurance manager was talking to one of his customers. He said, “Thank you, Mr. Jones, for your business. I wish I had twenty customers like you.”

“Wow, well it’s nice to hear that, but I’m kind of surprised,” replied Mr. Jones, who was a little taken aback. “You know I lodge lots of claims and I always pay my premiums late.”

The insurance manager said, “Yes, I’d still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred.”

21. This guy was filling out an application for life insurance and was finding it difficult to complete. The salesman asked him what the problem was, and the man replied that he couldn’t answer the question about his father’s cause of death.

The salesman asked him why. The guy was embarrassed but after a moment explained that his father had been hanged.

The salesman thought about this for a moment and then said, “Just put: ‘Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'”

22. In a far away kingdom, three unfortunate men are sentenced to death by guillotine.

When the time comes for them to be executed, the first man walks forward and puts his head in the guillotine. The executioner drops the blade but miraculously it stops just millimetres above the man’s neck. The king says, “Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job then you must be declared free so you are free to go.”

So the relieved man gets up and walks away and the second man comes forward to take his place. Again, the blades stops millimetres above the man’s neck. The king says again, “Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job then you must declared free so you are free to go.”

So, the second man gets up and walks away a free, and very relieved, man. The third man, who happens to be an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine. Then he looks up and says, “I think I see what the problem is…”

23. Two actuaries are duck hunting when they see a duck in the air. They both shoot at it but the first actuary’s shot is twenty feet wide to the right.

The second actuary’s shot is twenty feet wide to the left.

The actuaries high five each other, because on average they shot it.

24. How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?

How many did it take last year?

25. “Do you know the present value of your husband’s policy?” the life insurance agent asked his client.

The woman was confused and asked, “What do you mean?”.

The agent said, “Well if, God forbid, you should lose your husband, then what would you get?”

The woman thought about it for a minute, then brightened up and said, “Probably a poodle.”

26. This actuary owns some hens, and each morning he collects one egg from them for his breakfast.

It just so happens that he has an accountant as a neighbor who watches him collect the eggs every day.

One day, one of the hens gets out of its cage and lays the egg in the accountant’s back yard.

The actuary sees this and challenges the accountant over ownership of the egg. They have a fierce argument, and finally the actuary offers to settle it in a contest, saying “We will take turns in kicking each other where it hurts, and whoever takes the least time to get up wins the egg.”

The accountant agrees, and they decide that the actuary gets to go first. He goes into his house and puts on his steel capped boots, and when he comes back out he takes a run at the accountant and kicks for his life, right where it hurts the most.

The accountant collapses on the floor and rolls around in sheer agony.  Finally, he hobbles to his feet after about half an hour.

“Right now it’s my turn,” he says with some relish as starts to prepare himself for his go.

The actuary says, “Nah, you keep the egg.”

27. An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car. The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.

28. I went for a interview for a job as an insurance salesman.

On the application form where it said “Prior experience”, I just wrote “Lifeguard” and nothing else.

The interviewer said, “We’re looking for someone who is able to not only sell insurance but can also sell himself. How does working as a lifeguard relate to salesmanship?”

I said, “I can’t swim.”

I got the job.

29. A cowboy had applied for an insurance policy and was being interviewed by the insurance agent.

“Have you ever had an accident?” the agent asked.

“Nope,” replied the cowboy.

“What? Not even one?” asked the agent incredulously.

“Nope,” the cowboy insisted firmly. “A rattler did bite me once, though.”

“And don’t you call that an accident?” said the agent.

“Nope; the danged varmint done it a-purpose.”

Insurance Jokes One Liners

Confucius say needing insurance is like needing a parachute – if it isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing it again.

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game.

Life insurance is a policy that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.

Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease.

An actuary is flexible; they are either right, or can prove it to be so.

There are worse things in life than death – have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

You know you’re getting old when your insurance company sends you half a calendar.

I don’t have life insurance because I’m going out of this world the way I came into it… as a burden to my family.

Do you know how to get an actuary to laugh on a Thursday – tell them a joke on a Monday.

Insurance agents are premium lovers.

Insurance agents do it with third parties.

Would Transformers buy life insurance or car insurance?

Why won’t sharks attack brokers… professional courtesy.

Actuaries do it without risk.

Actuaries do it until death, disability or withdrawal.

Actuaries do it with varying rates of interest.

Can atheists claim on their insurance if it really was an Act of God?

What do accountants use for birth control – their personality.

Female spiders eat the male spiders after mating – they know collecting life insurance is easier than child support.

If irreverent priests are defrocked, and dishonest attorneys are disbarred, shouldn’t difficult actuaries be deactivated?

Arguing with an insurance adjuster is like wrestling a pig in the mud… After a while, you realize that he likes it.

Jokes About Insurance

If you enjoyed our selection of funny insurance jokes and one liners then why not check out the rest of LaffGaff for more laughs and really funny jokes, such as these:

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