Stock Market Jokes

Laughter levels can only go up, never down, with these hilarious stock market jokes! Invest in them now, you won’t regret it!

Header image for a page of funny stock market jokes.

Funny Stock Market Jokes

Where can you buy chicken broth in bulk?

The stock market.

A stock market crash is worse than a divorce.

You lose half of your money AND your wife is still around.

I purchased $1,000 in Bose stock today.

My accountant said it would be a sound investment.

My friend is an honourable, courteous and chivalrous guy.

But he hates the stock market.

When I asked him why, he said, “Gentlemen prefer bonds.”

I just started buying stock from the market

I have beef, chicken, and vegetable.

One day I hope to be bouillonaire.

I recently started investing heavily into penny stocks.

It just seemed to make a lot of cents.

Why don’t people in trailer parks invest in the stock market?

Because their money is tied up in bonds.

Why are nudists bad for the stock market?

They are associated with bare markets.

What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?

Start off with a big one.

What do you call an alligator from the stock market?

An investigator.

Why was the stock trader electrocuted?

He shorted Tesla.

Two day traders are looking at the commodity stocks for office supplies on their computer.

“What’s the movement on desks and chairs?” asks the first stockbroker.

“Um, that’s moving up,” says the second. “We should get into it.”

“Okay, what about stocks for desktop computers? Are they moving?” asks the first.

“Yep, they’re dropping,” says the second. “We’ve got to sell that off.”

“Okay what about paper? Is that moving?” asks the first stockbroker.

“Paper? No,” says the second. “Paper is stationery.”

In the stock market today…

Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and millions of investors were wiped clean.

What did they name Game of Thrones’ first stock exchange?

Investeros.

I’ve put all my money in see-saw stocks.

To be honest they’ve had their ups and downs.

I sold all my Nike stock this afternoon.

It was a good run.

Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.

The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.

Two rednecks are watching the sunset on their tractor and having a chat.

The first says, “I keep hearing on the radio, TV, read in the papers about the stock market but I still have no idea it is. Do you know?”

The second redneck replies, “How should I explain this to you… Let’s say you buy some eggs for your farm, these eggs hatch and now you have chicks, these chicks grow up to be hens which lay more eggs out of which you get more chicks that grow up to be hens and so on and so forth and your farm is full of them. One day a big flood ravages your land and takes all of them downstream. Then you sit and think to yourself: ducks… I should have gotten ducks. That’s what the stock market is like.”

I bumped into an old school friend the other day.

He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.

I asked him how he had been doing and he said, “Great, I’ve got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.”

I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied, “I’ve been using animal carcasses and boiling them down to a concentrate and selling that for a profit. I’ve made a killing on the stocks market.”

The stock market is down 30%.

Yo mama must have skipped a meal.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these stock market jokes, check out these jokes too: