These funny salesman jokes and puns have earned their place here because they basically sell themselves! They’re sure to hit all the right targets!
Funny Salesman Jokes And Puns
What do they call the best salesman at a funeral home?
The top urner.
You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That’s the last thing I need.
My first day as a car salesman…
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car go road.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
The salesman asked me, “So which mattress do you want?”
I said, “It’s a big decision, I need to sleep on it.”
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: So you’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer “international arms dealer”.
A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.
“Looking at your résumé, I can see that you’re more than qualified,” says the interviewer. “Unfortunately, we can’t have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can’t hire you.”
“But wait,” says the man. “If I take two aspirin, I stop winking.”
“Then show me,” replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
“It’s great you stopped winking,” says the interviewer, “but we can’t have our salesmen womanizing all over the country.”
“What do you mean?” asks the man. “I’m happily married.”
“How do you explain all the condoms?” asks the interviewer.
“Oh, that,” sighs the man. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
A young guy goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas.”
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job saying, “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”
The kid says, “One.”
The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says, “$101,237.64.”
The boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”
The kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”
Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing’.”
A salesman knocks on the door and a little boy answers.
He’s drinking his father’s favorite scotch and smoking a fresh cigar while wearing his mother’s favorite bedsheets as a toga.
“Are your parents home?” asked the salesman.
To which the boy replied, “Does it look like it?”
The salesman claimed the shoe was made from alligator.
But I knew it was a crock.
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decided to go and see a doctor.
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
Howerver, he had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need… A new suit.”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”
Joe was surprised. “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.”
Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new Underwear?”
Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”
The salesman said, “Let’s see… size 36.”
Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.
He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.
“Hey you, do you have water?” pants the criminal.
The old man replied, “I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The criminal, frustrated shouted, “You fool! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!”
“There’s no call for threats,” said the old tie seller indignantly, “but even though you don’t want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I’ll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you’ll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!”
Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.
“Everything ok?” asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.
“They won’t let me in without a tie…”
A man with a stutter answers an ad for “bible salesman wanted”.
He walks into the office and says, “I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles!”
The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies, “Sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back for more.”
The office manager is amazed when the man comes back the next day and says, “I nuh, nuh, nuh, need muh, muh, more buh, buh, buh, buh, bibles!”
The office manager is dumbstruck but agrees to give the man another box, with one condition. “You have to tell me how you did it. “
The man says, “Well I just nah, nah, nock on the duh, duh, duh, door and say, I’m suh, suh, suh, selling buh, buh, buh, bibles. Wuh, wuh, wuh, would you like to buh, buh, buh, buy one or should I reh, reh, reh, READ IT TO YOU? “
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, “Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says, “Madam, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It’s a good all around combination, and it’s actually on sale this week for $44.”
She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
“Oh, that sounds like a Visa card,” he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she’s really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $58.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?”
The salesman says, “The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50.”
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
WIf you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “What would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”
The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert sand, totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place.”
“That should have worked,” said the friend.
The salesman replied, “Well, I didn’t know Arabic, neither did I realize that Arabs read from right to left…”
Bought a Christmas tree today. The salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself.
I said no, in my living room
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus.
They walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says, “We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale.”
The salesman asks, “You’re not looking for a fancy one?”
The second Pharaoh says “No, we are just trying to get our mummy’s worth.”
I lost my job as a sniper salesman.
I kept missing my targets.
I’ve been offered a job as a mirror salesman.
I can really see myself doing that.
I’m not happy being a glue salesman.
But I’ll stick with it.
I was shopping for a tuxedo, and I had to tell the pushy salesman to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
A perfume salesman was trying to sell me a bunch of odorless cologne.
I thought it was total non scents.
When I was younger, my girlfriend ran off with a tractor salesman.
A couple of week later she sent me a John Deere letter.