Car Jokes And Puns

We’ve raced to bring you these funny car jokes and puns and park them right here! You’ll never get tired of them or find them exhausting, if you get what we’re driving at!

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Funny Car Jokes

Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses…

My how the stables have turned.

Which African country is TESLA founder Elon Musk from?

Mad-at-gas-car, obviously.

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself…

“This takes me back.”

When I reach home, my 1 and a half year old son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car.

Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound.

His cute antics always make me forget that he’s suffering from a rare disease.

It’s called Parking Son’s disease.

My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?”

I replied, “Single handedly.”

How does two German car enthusiast cowboys greet each other?

Audi, partner.

My wife crashed the car again today.

She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

It used to be free to fill your car tire up with air. Now it coasts $1.50. You know why?

Inflation.

Me: Sorry I’m late. I broke down on the way to work.

Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?

Me: Car?

It’s pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..

Do you just get exhausted?

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn’t help but admire it.

“Nice car,” I said as he got out.

“Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “Work hard, put the hours in, and I’ll have an even better one next year.”

I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.

It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.

A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks…

“Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

It’s probably not safe for me to be driving this car right now.

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars.

Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep.

Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.

Park rangers told us not to leave any wrappers inside the car because bears might break in…

Bears must really like Hip-Hop.

A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.

A traffic cop went to the trouble of leaving a note under the wipers to let me know I’d positioned my car correctly.

It said “Parking fine”. So that was nice.

What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?

A taxi.

A new Tesla doesn’t come with the new car smell…

It comes with an Elon Musk.

I asked my friend why did he walk away from his last job.

He said that his wage was so low he couldn’t afford a car.

My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.

Me: That’s sound advice.

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang.

“3:45 PM”, he said.

What do we want??!

Race car noises!!!

When do we want them?!!

Neeeeeeooooooowwwwww.

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

You park your car, man.

When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a driveway.

Last night I dreamt I was a car.

I woke up exhausted.

As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.

Cop: “Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window.”

Me: “You are not coming in.”

Cop: “I don’t want to come in. I want you to step out of your car!”

What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?

Carlos.

My son said he either wanted a car or a pet for his birthday

So I sat him down in the living room and told him he could get both.

Then I showed him the carpet.

I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats.

But when I tried to drive it, it wooden go.

I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent.

It goes without saying…

A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car and begins to panic.

A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car.

Magically, the car unlocks.

The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it.

“That’s easy. These are khakis.”

What has three letters and starts with gas?

A car.

I told this girl I was talking to that I like to race cars.

She asked me if I win often.

I said no, the cars are much faster.

What kind of car does Mickey Mouse drive?

A Minnie Van.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

The father responded, “Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”

Why did Elon Musk go broke?

Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, the joke’s on him. I sleep in a real car.

“The car won’t start,” said a wife to her husband. “I think there’s water in the carburetor.”

“How do you know?” said the husband scornfully. “You don’t even know what the carburetor is.”

“I’m telling you,” repeated the wife, “I’m sure there’s water in the carburetor.”

“We’ll see,” mocked the husband. “Let me check it out. Where’s the car?”

“In the swimming pool.”

“When one door closes, another opens”, he said.

“That’s all well and good,” I replied, “But until you fix it I’m not buying the car.”

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.

If Dodge made an electric car…

Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable?

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching…

To reverse and leaving the scene.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these hilarious puns and jokes about cars, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes and other fun, including these: