You have to give us credit for bringing you these funny finance jokes and puns! There’s definitely no financial disasters here, so they’re sure to keep your interest!
Funny Finance Jokes And Puns
I don’t usually boast about my finances.
But my credit card company calls me everyday to tell me my balance is outstanding.
A man passes away and his funeral is set to be held in his hometown where one of his sons lives.
The other, a wealthy businessman, unfortunately can’t make it to the ceremony so instead he offers to pay for the entire thing.
A few months later, the businessman is looking over his finances and notices a recurring bill of $120 a month.
Confused, he called up his brother and asks him if he knows anything about it.
“Oh yeah,” the brother replies. “Dad always wanted to go out in style so we rented him a tuxedo.”
A divorced man is walking to town when he discovers an old lamp in oddly impeccable shape glistening through the bushes. He decides it’s worth a closer look, walks over and picks it up.
All of a sudden a genie pops out and tells the man in his booming voice, “You have three wishes, but be careful; for whatever you wish, your ex-wife gets double.”
The man, taken aback, scratches his head for a moment and tells the genie, “Alright, I wish for a 100-million dollar mansion.”
“It is yours as you desire. Your ex will be happy to learn she now owns a 200-million dollar mansion. What is your next wish?”
“Well, I’m going to have to pay the bills on that huge house, so I suppose I’ll wish for a billion dollars. That ought to cover it for a while, at least.”
The genie reaches into his lantern and pulls out a bank statement on which the man’s name is printed, then hands it to him. “You’ll find your finances are in order, to the tune of one billion dollars. Don’t forget, your ex has twice as much. And for your last wish?”
The man rubs his chin for a minute to ponder. “I wish to be beaten half to death.”
I’m so good at finance…
Even my bank says my balance is outstanding.
My jam business failed.
My finances got spread too thin.
What do you get when you combine Finland and France?
Three religious leaders of the community, a priest, a rabbi, and an evangelical preacher, are sitting around talking about how they run their finances.
The priest says, “At the end of the week, I make a line on the floor. Then I take all of the money out of the donation box, throw it in the air, and what lands on the left is for God and the church, and what lands on the right is for me.”
The rabbi says, “I do something similar. At the end of the week, I draw a big circle on the floor. I throw the donation money into the air, and whatever lands in the circle is for God and the temple and whatever lands outside the circle is for me.”
The evangelical preacher perks up with his thick southern drawl, “I do something similar too. At the end of the week, I throw all of the donation money into the air.”
With a smile he adds: “Whatever God catches, he keeps”.
Did you hear about the crab in financial difficulty?
It was starting to feel the pinch.
A retired older couple returned to a Cadillac dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been keen on buying to a beautiful, leggy blonde in a tight skirt, stiletto heels, and halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply: “Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you close the deal for $45,000 to that young lady. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”
The salesman took a deep breath and cleared his throat.
“Sir, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, and she didn’t need any financing.”
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
“I told you I could get him to lower the price. Happy Father’s Day, dad!”
An engineer major asks, “How can we build this?”
A business major asks, “How can we finance this?”
A liberal arts major asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
Which department do you call when ants go missing?
Dept. of Finance.
A successful investment banker parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a bus came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver’s side.
The banker immediately whipped out his phone and dialed 911. It wasn’t more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the banker started screaming how his car, which he just picked up that day, was completely ruined and would never be the same again.
After the banker finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disbelief.
“I can’t believe how materialistic you finance guys are,” he said. “You’re so focused on your possessions, you don’t care about anything else!”
“How can you say that?” asked the banker, angrily.
The policeman replied, “Didn’t you realize that your left arm is missing from your elbow down? It’s been completely torn off from when the truck hit you!”
The banker looked down in absolute horror.
“Geez!” he screamed. “Where’s my Rolex!?”
A guy bought a TV on finance from a local shop.
However, he didn’t pay any money for it at all. Countless warnings were sent to him, telling him that he must pay for the TV in the instalments agreed to, or they would seize the TV.
The warnings came to no avail. Eventually the guy was called upon by the courts to explain why he had not responded to the payment requests.
The judge asked, “How can you explain why you ignored these letters?”
The man replied, “Well, judge. The contract stated that I didn’t have to pay any interest at all for 6 months!”
British people are always recording their finances…
Because the camera adds ten pounds.
The business man was worried about his personal finances after a few sloppy years and thought to himself that he’d better start cutting down on private expenses. Therefore he turned to his wife and said:
“Honey, if you could learn to cook and clean, we wouldn’t need our household services.”
The wife replied: “Sure. And if you could learn to satisfy me, we wouldn’t need the gardener either.”
I recently read a book by Donald Trump on finance.
It had 9 chapter 11s.
Never trust a “Bernie” to manage your finances.
The last one I knew Madoff with all my money.
I went for lunch with my accountant and he ordered a bowl of insects.
Then he started picking out just the really juicy looking ants and popping them in his mouth like M&Ms.
I asked, “What the hell are you doing?”
“I only handle finance,” he said.
“My family is just like a nation,” Mr. Jones told his colleague.
“My wife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war, and my daughter is foreign secretary.”
“Sounds interesting,” his colleague replied. “And what is your position?”
“I’m the people. All I do is pay.”
Irresponsible financiers must be discredited.