Funny Real Estate & Realtor Jokes

They say that home is where the heart is and we love jokes with all our heart here at LaffGaff, so there’s no wonder we like funny realtor and real estate jokes so much! We hope you like them lots too!

If you’re looking for real estate jokes, then this collection is sure to bring you closure!

Real Estate Jokes

The older generation’s dream was to pay off the mortgage.

The younger generation’s dream is to get one.

Home sickness is what you feel every month when the mortgage is due.

My wife and I went to see a realtor.

“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.

I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”

My house has wall to wall carpets…

And back to the wall payments.

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns.

Last time I voted for a real estate agent.

If you think that no-one cares you’re alive, just try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

A man’s home is his castle…

In a manor of speaking.

What’s the study of real estate called?

Homology.

Do truckers prefer houses with long haul ways?

By the time you pay for a home in the suburbs, it isn’t.

If you buy a house in Mexico, you don’t Peso much.

My neighbors have consolidated all their debts.

Now they only have one bill they won’t pay.

If you want to know where the property line is, just watch your neighbor cut the grass.

My neighbor always has his lawn sprinkler on. It’s a source of constant irrigation.

Is the down payment to buy an apartment a condo-minimum?

When it comes to board games about buying real estate…

Hasbro really has the Monopoly.

The price of real estate in my neighbourhood has become so expensive only cats can afford it.

You need 9 lives to pay it off.

An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted…

“Nobody move!”

My Irish friend Paddy just told me that he burgled a shop last night.

“What did you get?” I asked.

“26 pictures,” he smiled, showing me. “The cheapest one is worth over $180,000.”

I said, “Dude, these are from a real estate agents.”

I wanted to buy a hockey stadium.

But unfortunately my realtor could only give me a ballpark estimate.

Realtor Jokes

Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?

To save time.

A real estate agent had just closed his first deal.

To his horror though, he then discovered that the piece of land he’d sold was completely submerged under water.

“The customer’s going to come back here pretty mad,” he said to his boss. “Should I give him his money back?”

His boss roared at him, “Money back? What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat.”

What’s the difference between a real estate agent and sperm?

Sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.

My real estate agent did such a good job describing my house in their listing that I’ve decided to keep it.

A real estate agent with only one ear walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do you want a beer?”

The agent replies, “I’ve got one ear.”

Realtors have “lots” to be grateful for.

What does a real estate agent use for birth control?

Their personality.

What’s a mortgage broker?

A real estate agent without the sense of humor.

Realtors need closure.

My realtor sold me a two storey house.

I got one story before I bought it and another afterwards.

What do you call a real estate agent who practices birth control?

A humanitarian.

What is the opposite of an actor?

A realtor.

I made the mistake of offering my realtor some Lipton iced tea.

I forgot that he only drinks realty.

What do you call a detective in the real estate business?

Sherlock Homes.

The Devil appears to a real estate agent one day and says to him, “Listen, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any other real estate agent in the world. In fact, I can make you the greatest agent that ever walked the Earth.”

The real estate agent likes the sound of this and asks the Devil, “That sounds good. What do I have to do in return?”

The Devil smiles slyly and says, “Obviously, you have to give me your soul. But you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children’s children. In fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity.”

“Wait a minute,” the real estate agent says cautiously. “What’s the catch?”

What’s a real estate agent’s favorite sexual position?

The comissionary position.

There’s a used car salesman, a lawyer and a real estate agent. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do?

Shoot the real estate agent twice to make sure.

A man was trying to subdivide a large piece of property he owned in Manhattan.

But no matter how many ways he tried, he was unable to split it up into any number of equal sized parcels.

He asked a realtor if she could help, but the realtor said there was simply no way to do it.

“The problem,” she said, “Is that it’s a piece of prime real estate.”

There are three things verbose realtors should keep in mind…

Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.

What does a british real estate agent care most about?

His proper tea.

A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an Open House.

A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”

The realtor says, “Brochure.”

Why are realtors good at selling houses?

They’re good at ceiling deals.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed our real estate jokes and puns, be sure to take a look around the rest of our site for lots more really funny jokes too, including our business jokes and our lawyer jokes, and our other work jokes including these: