These funny audit jokes and puns will certainly pass any inspection with flying colors because there is nothing shady about them at all!
Funny Audit Jokes And Puns
Tax audit guy: It says in your file that you have money for nothing and checks for free.
Man: Am I in trouble?
Tax guy: Yes. In Dire Straits.
Why did the blinds salesman get audited by the IRS?
His business operations were shady.
Did you see that the IRS was doing a bunch of audits and found one corporation listed a turtle as their CEO?
Turns out it was a shell company.
A tightrope walker was audited last month.
His balance was off.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
At the end of the tax year, The Taxation Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
“Good question,” noted the executive. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. ”What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the executive, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. “Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the executive. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”
During a recent company password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
A man is on his deathbed with his wife by his side.
In his faint, dying breath, he tells her that there were two times he suspected she cheated on him, and he would like to know the truth, the whole truth, before he dies.
Rather hesitantly, she agrees to tell him everything. “Well first,” she begins, “remember when you lost your job, the suddenly got it back with a pay increase?”
He nods understandingly.
Then she tells him, “Do you remember when Inland Revenue was going to do a big audit on you but later they dropped the audit and gave us a big refund instead?”
He, once again, hods his head understandingly.
Then he strains himself to ask, “Were there any other times you cheated on me?”
Even more hesitantly she says, “Yes dear, there was just one more time.”
“Ohhh,” he sighs in agony, “You must tell me.”
“Okay, but only if you insist,” she stammers. “Remember the time when you were elected president of the golf club, but you were so sure you were going to lose by 23 votes?”
“Oh yes, I remember,” winced the dying man.
Suddenly, he shot up in bed and exclaimed, “Darn… and I won by 45 votes!”