Funny office jokes can lighten the drudgery of our daily work lives. It’s accrual world sometimes, but these workplace jokes will help to (office) chair you up.
We hope you enjoy this collection of the best office jokes.
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
A young executive is leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” says the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”
“Sure,” the young executive says.
He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” says the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
I got fired at work today.
My boss said my communication skills were awful.
I didn’t know what to say to that.
Bill walks into his boss’s office one day and says, “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I’ve got three companies after me, and I’d like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling. the boss finally agrees to give him a 5% raise, and Bill happily gets up to leave.
“By the way”, asks the boss as Bill is leaving his office, “which three companies are after you?”
Bill replies, “The electric company, water company, and phone company.”
Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.
My boss phoned me today.
He said, “Is everything okay at the office?”
I said, “Yes, it’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day, I haven’t stopped.”
“Can you do me a favor?” he asked.
I said, “Of course, what is it?”
He said, “Hurry up and take your shot, I’m behind you on the 7th hole.”
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, “You missed work yesterday, didn’t you?”
I said, “No, not particularly.”
An employee goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“Sorry, but we’re short-handed,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says the employee. “I knew I could count on you!”
A young businessman had just started his own firm.
He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Hoping to look like a hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working on a big, important business deal.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
I work for the world’s biggest nanotechnology company.
We’re not very good.
My boss asked me today, “Do you believe in life after death and the supernatural?”
I replied, “Yes, I think so.”
“I thought you would,” he said. “Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she phoned up to talk to you.”
My boss left a presentation on my desk and asked me to look at it and let him know what I thought of it.
I told him I’d sleep on it.
I’m not having much luck with jobs lately:
I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory.
I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.
The muffler factory was just exhausting.
I couldn’t cut it as barber.
I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.
I didn’t fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.
The paper shop folded.
Pool maintenance was too draining.
I got fired from the cannon factory.
And I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.
Two factory workers are talking to each other one day.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “Oh yeah? And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
As the woman leaves, the man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
A man is hiring for an accounting position, and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls.
The first accountant walks in and starts to introduce himself, “I’m here for the accounting position.”
The boss asks him, “What’s 2+2?”
“4” replies the accountant.
The boss tells him to get out. Sad, disappointed, and a little confused, the accountant slowly leaves the office.
The next candidate then enters and the boss asks him, “What’s 2+2?”.
“4” replies the accountant.
The boss tells him to get out.
Just as confused as the first accountant, the second one leaves thinking that if the boss is that stupid he doesn’t want to work there anyway.
The next candidate then enters and the boss asks him, “What’s 2+2?”.
The accountant replies, “Anything you want it to be.”
The boss says, “You’re hired.”
An employee is getting to know her new co-workers when the topic of her last job comes up.
“Why did you leave that job?” asked one co-worker.
“It was something my boss said,” the woman replied.
“Why? What did he say?” the co-worker asked.
I used to work in the office at a stationery firm but I quit.
I felt it wasn’t going anywhere.
I went for a job interview today and the interviewer asked me, “What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?”
I said, “Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what’s real from what’s not.”
They then asked, “And your strengths?”
I said, “I’m Batman.”
I went for an interview for an office job today.
The interviewer told me I’d start on $2,000 a month and then after 6 months I’d be on $2,500 a month.
I told them I’d start in 6 months.
I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed the loo.
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing.
On the last day, the departing manager tells him, “I’ve left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can’t solve.”
Three months down the road there is a major drama in the office and the manager feels very threatened by it all.
He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope.
The message inside says “Blame your predecessor!”
He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.
The manager quickly opens the second envelope.
The message read, “Reorganize!”
He starts to reorganize and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope.
The message inside says, “Prepare three envelopes.”
A salesman dropped in to an office see a business customer.
Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying the waste baskets.
The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.”
“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”
“Please don’t tell him!” said the dog. “If he finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone, too!”
The owner of a company tells his employees one day, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I’m giving everyone a check for $5,000.”
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks!”
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks him to choose one.
The man asks, “How much is the yellow one?”
The assistant replies that it costs $2,000. The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive.
The assistant tells him, “This parrot is a very special one. He can type really fast.”
“Okay, what about the green one?” the man asks.
The assistant says, “He costs $5,000 because he can type, answer incoming phone calls and takes notes.”
“What about the red one?” the man then asks.
The assistant says, “That one’s $10,000.”
Curious, the man asks, “What does he do?”
The assistant says, “I don’t know, but the other two call him boss.”
I was called into my manager’s office today because of my dress code.
He said, “You can’t wear pajamas for work.”
I said, “Everyone else does.”
He said, “That’s because they’re patients.”
My boss just asked, “Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.”
I replied, “Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends.”
He said, “Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?”
I said, “Monday.”
I love my job.
Colleagues have been writing names on the food in the office fridge – I’m currently eating a yoghurt called Susan. How cute!
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.
I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
Office Jokes & Puns
If you enjoyed our funny office jokes, be sure to check out the rest of our site for lots more fun, including our other work jokes, like these for example: