House Painter

I got hired to paint someone’s home.

I charged for the labor but not the paint.

The homeowner asked me, “Why didn’t you charge for the paint?”

I said, “Don’t worry about the paint. It’s on the house.”

Lawn Mower

I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.

He just didn’t cut it.

The Computer

My boss calls me “The computer”.

It’s nothing to do with intelligence; I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Postal Service

Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?

It’s mail-dominated.

Blind Carpenter

Did you hear about the blind carpenter?

He picked up the hammer and saw.

Sandal Inventor

I invented a sandal for one legged people.

It was a flop.

Computer Problems

I told my boss, “Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”

He asked, “Hard drive?”

I said, “No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.”

Weekday Sickness

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

Career Choice

My teenage daughter can’t decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer.

I guess she’ll have to flip a coin.

Heads or tales.

Electrical Issue

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house.

He refused.

One Door Closes

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

Good Employees

My boss came to me at lunch and said, “Where the hell have you been? I’ve been trying to find you all morning!”

I shrugged and said, “Good employees are hard to find.”

Favorite News

What is an electrician’s favorite type of news?

Current events.

Massage Therapist

My massage therapist got fired.

I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way.

Replacement Worker

A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.

He’s the new temp.

Strange Burglar

I’ve just seen a burglar kicking his own door in.

I asked, “What are you doing?”

He said, “Working from home.”

Blacksmith Interview

I went for an interview at a blacksmith’s yesterday.

The blacksmith asked me, “Are you any good at shoeing horses?”

I said, “No, but I once told a Donkey to get lost.”

Secret Taxidermist

I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.

When they ask, “So, what do you do for a living?” I just say, “Oh, you know… stuff.”

Good Day

My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home.

Original Pentagon

Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.

But the contractor kept cutting corners.

Helium Factory

I just quit my job at the helium factory.

I won’t be spoken to in that tone.

Wife’s Job

It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

Own Boss

I was in a taxi today and the driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”

I said, “Turn left here.”

Stage Designer

I just got fired from my job as a stage designer.

I wasn’t very happy but left without making a scene.

Office Award

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.

I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.

Work Nickname

My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”

It’s not my first choice, but I’m okay with it.

Christmas Time Off

I said to my boss, “Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?”

He said, “It’s May.”

I said, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”

Australian IT Worker

I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.

I asked him, “Do you come from a LAN down under?”

Taking Things Literally

The interviewer said to me, “Your resume says you take things too literally.”

I said, “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”

Polite Builder

What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?

A civil engineer.

Office Security Guard

My boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office.

I’m on season 6 now but I’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.

Strange Job

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting.

Ex-Postman

I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”

Not Glamorous

Being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job…

But at least it puts food on the table.

Work Perk

I had a row with my boss yesterday lunchtime.

One of the perks of working near a boating lake…

Demolition Expert

The best job I ever had was as a demolition expert.

It was a blast.

Charismatic Surgeon

My bald surgeon is the most charismatic man I’ve ever met.

He’s a real smooth operator.

Cloning Business

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it’s been great.

I love being my own boss.