What is an electrician’s favorite type of news?
My massage therapist got fired.
I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way.
What do lawyers wear to work?
I’ve just seen a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked, “What are you doing?”
He said, “Working from home.”
I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.
When they ask, “So, what do you do for a living?” I just say, “Oh, you know… stuff.”
My boss told me to have a good day.
So I went home.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
I just quit my job at the helium factory.
I won’t be spoken to in that tone.
I was in a taxi today and the driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”
I said, “Turn left here.”
I just got fired from my job as a stage designer.
I wasn’t very happy but left without making a scene.
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice, but I’m okay with it.
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I asked him, “Do you come from a LAN down under?”
The interviewer said to me, “Your resume says you take things too literally.”
I said, “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”
What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?
A civil engineer.