We thought we’d see how these funny pilot jokes and puns fly with you! We think they’re sure to take off in a big way and not come down to earth with a bump!
Funny Pilot Jokes
Right after take off, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is….”
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”
Then silence.
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap… you should see my pants!!”
A voice from the back of the plane yells, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”
Why did the pilot blush?
Because he saw the airstrip.
One day at Area 51, a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base.
The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards.
The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning.
The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly run out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw.
After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn’t a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.
Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the “You didn’t see anything” talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw.
The Air Force fuels up the man’s plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.
Later that day, the man’s plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51.
This time there are two people in the plane.
When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again. As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells, “Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night.”
So I’m making a TV series about a plane hijacking.
We’ve just shot the pilot.
I asked my dad why did he become a pilot.
He said, “To conquer my greatest fear.”
“The fear of flying?” I asked.
“No,” he said. “The fear of dying alone.”
A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
He says, “I told her first class isn’t going to Sydney.”
My first day working as a pilot: looking down nervously What are all these buttons for?
Co-pilot: They keep your shirt closed.
Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.
When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen don’t forget to adjust your watches to local time.”
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
Two blind pilots enter a plane.
They have sunglasses and white sticks.
As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable.
The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground.
The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.
The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second.
All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.
In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know what? One day they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all going to die.”
A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking to each other on the radio.
The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, “Watch this, brah!” hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.
“Top that!” he shouts to the cargo pilot.
“Ok, well watch this,” says the cargo pilot.
The plane just goes straight for a while.
“How’d you like that?” asks the cargo pilot.
The fighter pilot is confused and asks, “What did you do?”
The cargo pilot replies, “I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee.”
What did the kamikaze pilot tell his students?
Watch closely. I’m only gonna show this once.
Four pilots met.
300 people died.
Pilot: Over intercom we’re all gonna die!
Passengers: Start freaking out.
Pilot: All of us will one day, no one knows when!
Passengers: Sigh with relief.
Pilot: But it’ll probably be when we hit this mountain!!
This is a true story of a poor ditzy blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
The pilot has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
“May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don’t know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!”
She hears a voice over the radio saying, “This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!”
She says, “I’m 5’4 and i’m in the front seat.”
(pause)
“O.K.” says the voice in the radio, “Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven…”
I’m making a new documentary series on how to fly an aeroplane.
We’re currently filming the pilot.
Last night, my wife texted me to tell me she landed.
I told her I thought that was the pilot’s job.
I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.
He was in the wrong craft.
What’s an airline pilots favourite flavor of crisps?
Plane.
Why did the pilot get sent to his room?
Bad altitude.
More Funny Jokes
If you enjoyed our hilarious jokes about pilots, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:
