Navy Jokes And Puns

You might have thought the ship had sailed when it comes to funny navy jokes and puns but not so! Here’s a great collection – don’t be petty officer, enjoy them!

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Funny Navy Jokes

Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their boats?

So when they come back to port they can…

Scandinavian.

When I lost my rifle, the army charged me $85.

That’s why in the navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

I’m going to join the navy purely out of spite.

I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.

Why does the North Korean navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see their air force.

The navy is beginning to recruit blind men.

They are sending them out to sea.

When I was in the Navy, I was on the deck of a destroyer one day, and I saw a the periscope of an enemy submarine surface nearby.

So, quick as a flash, I whipped off my hat and dropped it over the periscope.

As the periscope was covered, the submarine didn’t realise it had reached the surface, so it kept rising…

And when it got to 10,000 feet, we shot it down with the anti-aircraft guns.

Did you hear about the Latino boy whose father works happily on a military vessel?

He has a feliz navy dad.

My neighbor is obsessed with navy destroyers.

He warships them.

A lot of people assume pirates prefer to be in the navy.

But actually they prefer the arrrrrrrrmy.

What color are military submarines?

Deep navy.

The US Navy will start to equip all their subs with emotional support dogs.

After a lot study, they decided on Dachshunds.

They will be subma-weiners.

Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?

Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.

Why is there no Jedi navy?

Sailing is a path to the dockside.

I tried to pick up the navy’s new mounted laser turret but it weighed more than a ton.

I thought a laser would be light.

A cool job that sounds lame: Building boats for the navy.

You’d be a subcontractor.

Did you know navy bases are known as temples of the sea.

They are a place of warship.

What’s a rubber gasket on an aircraft carrier called?

A navy seal.

Army soldiers can’t comprehend the 6-foot social distancing requirement.

But everyone in the navy can fathom it.

A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is mad. He signals, “I’m an aircraft carrier. I’m not changing my course.”

The light signals back a final message: “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.”

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.

But the old chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the chief to “drop ’em”, which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the chief’s penis and began to work back.

“Dear Lord!”, he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The old chief calmly replied, “Vietnam.”

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, “Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?”

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, “We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s.”

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.

When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, “Just the four of you?”

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, “No, we’re the last four. The rest are already there!”

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”

“Throw out an anchor, sir,” the student replied.

“What would you do if another storm sprang up after?”

“Throw out another anchor, sir.”

“And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?” asked the captain.

“Throw out another anchor, sir.”

“Hold on,” said the captain. “Where are you getting all those anchors from?”

“From the same place you’re getting your storms, sir.”

A navy chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him. He doesn’t think much of it until lunch when he goes for a walk and sees the two still at and a whole line of freshly dug and filled in holes.

He walks up to them.

Chief: Boys you must have messed up big time for them to have you out here digging holes.

Marine: We didn’t mess up chief, this is just a part of the base beautification project.

Chief: What in the?! How does a line of holes make this base any nicer!

Marine: Yeah, it probably would look nicer if the guy whose job it was to plant the trees didn’t call in sick today.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed our hilarious jokes and puns about the navy, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these: