Avast, me hearties! Long ago pirates brought terror to the high seas and were no laughing matter. But now we can look at the lighter side, so check out this treasure chest of funny pirate jokes.
We’re confident that they’re the best you’ll find this side of the seven seas and no others are a patch on them! So enjoy aaarrr collection of pirate jokes and puns.
Hilarious Pirate Jokes & Puns
Why don’t pirates drive on mountain roads?
What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer?
Shiver me timbers.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?
They’ll just wash up on the shore later.
What’s the difference between a pirate and a detective?
One’s a private eye, and the other is a private-ear.
Why did the pirate give up playing golf?
Because he kept hooking the ball.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
A pirate goes to see his doctor and asks him to look at the spots on his arm.
The doctor examines them and says, “Nothing to worry about, they’re benign.”
The pirate says, “No Doc, there be eleven. I counted them before I came here.”
A pirate walked into the doctors with a broken arm.
They told him to sling his hook.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
P, because without it they’re irate.
What do you call a pirate that skips class?
A pirate walks into a bar one day.
The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, you’ve not been in here for a while. And you look terrible, what happened to you?”
The pirate asks, “What do you mean? I’m fine.”
The bartender says, “But what about your wooden leg? You never used to have that.”
“Ah, well,” says the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg. Luckily, the surgeon sorted me out, and I’m fine, really.”
“Okay,” says the bartender, “But what about your hook? You had two hands the last time I saw you.”
“Ah well,” says the pirate, “We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off. Luckily the surgeon sorted me out with this hook, and I feel fine, really.”
“Oh okay,” says the bartender, “But what about your eye patch? The last time you were in here you definitely still had both eyes.”
“Oh that,” says the pirate, “Well we were at sea and some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye.”
“So?” replied the bartender, “What happened? You can’t have lost your eye just because some bird pooped in it.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “It was my first day with my hook and I wiped my eye.”
How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook?
An arm and a leg.
To err is human. To arr is pirate.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at C.
Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
Why don’t pirates go to strip clubs?
Because they already have all the booty.
How do pirates make their money?
By hook or by crook.
What does a pirate use to find out what the date is?
What do you call a pirate who skips class?
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
The First Mate was on lookout for hazards from the crow’s nest on a pirate ship.
Suddenly, a huge wave hit the ship throwing the Mate from the nest.
He crashed through the upper deck and landed right in the Captain’s quarters.
The Captain, was startled and asked, “Matey, ye be hurt?”
“Narrrr Cap’n,” replied the First Mate, “I’ve been through hardships before!”
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty.
A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat after a dramatic escape from a vicious battle.
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
The pirate was astonished when a Genie did indeed appear. The first thing the Genie said, however, was that he could only grant one wish, not the usual three.
Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate said, “Make the entire sea into rum!”
The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the best rum ever tasted by man.
At the same time, the Genie disappeared into thin air.
Only the gentle lapping of rum against the lifeboat broke the silence as the pirate and the parrot considered their circumstances.
The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment said, “Now you’ve done it! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”
Why is pirating so addictive?
Once you lose your first hand you get hooked.
What’s a pirates favorite movie?
Booty and the Beast.
What does a pirate say when he turns eighty?
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrr.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite vegetable?
What has 8 legs, 8 hands and 8 eyes?
Why don’t you ever see a pirate cry?
Because when they do, it’s a private tear.
What kind of grades did the pirate get in school?
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
We are writing to you because you have violated copyright …
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
Which weapon do female pirates hate because it’s dangerous to them?
What exercise do pirates use to tighten their abs?
What is a pirate’s least favorite vegetable?
Why do pirates always carry a bar of soap?
In case they fall overboard, it’ll wash them ashore.
What did the pirate see in the toilet?
The Captain’s log.
What do pirates wear in the winter?
What do you call first aid on a pirate ship?
Sea pee Arrrrrrrr!
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants.
The bartender asks, “Hey, doesn’t that hurt?”
The pirate growls, “Aye, it’s drivin’ me nuts.”
What do you call a pirate with three eyes?
Why are pirates so unhappy?
Because their life is full of hardships.
What’s a pirates favourite fish dish?
Pieces of skate.
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent, would change into a red shirt.
After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
“It’s in case I get shot. I don’t want you men to see me bleed.”
At that moment, the captain spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon.
“Get my brown pants.”
What’s a pirate’s favorite class in school?
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head.
The bartender points to the paper towel and says, “What’s that?”
The pirate replies, “Arrrrr, there be a Bounty on me head!”
What’s a pirate’s favorite restaurant?
What do you call a pirate who steals from the rich and gives to the poor?
Why do pirates bury their treasure 18 inches under the ground?
Because booty is only shin deep.
What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?