Eye Jokes And Puns

We love funny eye jokes and puns – the cornea the better! So here’s a great collection of our favorites for you to run your eye over!

Header image for a page of funny eye jokes and puns.

Funny Eye Jokes

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Darn near poked my eye out.

Why did Hitler wear eye glasses?

Because without them he could Nazi.

Think of a number between 5 and 15. Multiply by 2, add 3, and subtract 7 from the answer. Now close your eyes.

Dark, isn’t it?

What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor?

An Optical Aleutian.

A pirate walked into a bar.

It was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.

I can cut wood by just looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?


Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye.

Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.

What did the left eye say to the right eye when they got married?


Bee keepers have the prettiest eyes.

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day.

Not really relaxing as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out “60 Watts – Made in China”.

Don’t rub avocado in your eyes.

You might get guacoma.

Why are eye jokes worse than other jokes?

They’re cornea.

My girlfriend poked me in the eyes.

So I stopped seeing her for a little while.

Some people have trouble sleeping…

But I can do it with my eyes closed.

Which body part dies last?

The eyes, because they dilate.

What do you call a Jedi with four eyes?


What do you call a fish without an eye?


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.

Now I have Heinzsight.

I’ve heard so much about the “Eye Of The Tiger”, but how come no one talks about…

The other four letters?

I had Lasik surgery yesterday.

It was an eye opening experience.

I tried to view the solar eclipse by looking at it through a colander…

But I ended up straining my eyes.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?

He couldn’t control his pupils.

What did the one-eyed pirate say to his wife?

I have no eye dear.

A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” the vet says, “Let’s have a look at him.”

The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes.

After a few second he says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.”

The shocked owner replies, “What?! Because he’s cross-eyed?!”

“No, because he’s heavy.”

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

Crying should give you better skin.

Because when you cry, you moist your eyes.

Did you hear? One attendee dumped a pot of Earl Grey over another attendee’s head at the apiarists’ convention.

Truly, brewed tea was in the eye of the bee-holder.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.


Now that’s a site for sore eyes!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and a cute little puppy on top?

Dog on it! Still no eye deer!

I like jokes about the eyes.

The cornea the better.

My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.

He didn’t want to make a spectacle.

What has 8 legs, 8 hands and 8 eyes?

8 pirates.

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket.

It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

“This is so embarrassing,” the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?”

He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common.

He gets her phone number and asks, “You are the most charming woman I’ve ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce..

We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident.

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye.

Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around.

Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up.

While at the bar, he’s still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking.

One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.

“No, she’ll never go for a man with a wooden eye,” the man says.

“Okay, how about that girl over there?” His friend responds. “She has a really big nose”.

The man walks over to the girl and asks, “Would you like to dance?”

Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses “Would, I?! Would I?!”

To which the man quickly responds “Big nose! Big nose!”

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!


Patient: “Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.”

Doctor: “Take the spoon out of your mug first.”

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these funny jokes and puns about eyes, take a look at the rest of LaffGaff for lots more hilarious jokes, including these:

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