Like a one-armed man you’ll be feeling alright after reading these funny hand jokes and puns! You’ve got to hand it to us – they’re hilarious!
Funny Hand Jokes
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?”
I replied, “Single-handedly.”
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I broke my finger today.
On the other hand I am okay.
6:30 is my favorite time.
Hands down.
If anyone is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully…
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.
It’s 14.
Captain Hook is single-handedly my favorite Disney villain.
Whoever figured out the ‘days of the month correspond with your knuckles’ thing had too much time on their hands.
How many bones are in your hand?
A handful.
Where do pirates get their hooks?
Second hand stores.
My doctor was struggling to write my prescription when I said, “Doctor, that’s a rectal thermometer in your hand!”
He replied, “Darn it! Someone’s got my pen!”
Why can’t T-Rexes clap their hands?
Because they’re extinct.
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
Look, grandpa! No hands!
I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl.
And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
What hand do you wipe your bum with?
My right hand.
EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW! I use toilet paper.
Said hello to a guy with really small hands.
What a microwave.
My nails are getting too long.
They’re growing out of hand.
I once grabbed a slippery soap.
It got out of hand pretty quickly.
What has 5 fingers, but isn’t your hand?
My hand.
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
I guess I have too much time on my hands.
What is Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEEEEEYE!
You’ve really gotta hand it to short people.
Because they usually can’t reach it anyway.
If I have 6 oranges in one hand and 7 oranges in the other hand, what do I have?
Really big hands.
I cut my hand opening a bottle of sparkling wine.
I guess every rosé has its thorn!
What would the world be like without left-handed people?
Eh, it would be all right.
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!
I did everything with my left hand for a day.
It didn’t feel right.
Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day.
Husband: Well next time take the car then, silly.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’.
Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it’s just not right.
Who else wants to see a puppet show, minus the puppets?
Let’s see a show of hands.
It was so cold in D.C. today…
That I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
What do you call a tree you can hold in your hand?
A palm tree.
If the world’s human population joined hands around the equator…
A significant portion of them would drown.
Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
I went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said, “Employees must wash hands”.
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
Boyfriend: I’ve come to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage.
Dad: You’ve got to take all of her or it’s no deal.
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
I couldn’t care less about what vegans eat.
Cannibals on the other hand…
WHERE’S MY OTHER HAND?
What did the cop say to a hand?
You are under a-wrist.
What does the Pope use to dry his hands?
A papal towel.
Why are hands the most reliable parts of the body?
Because you can always count on them.
More Funny Jokes
If you enjoyed these hilarious puns and jokes about hands, be sure to visit the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:
