It’s blindingly obvious that you’ll see the funny side of these hilarious blind jokes and puns! Some of them may be a bit dark but they’ll still make you laugh!
Funny Blind Jokes
I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
A blind person was eating seafood.
It didn’t help.
I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
I went to a strip club for blind people.
The girls there were dancing like nobody was watching.
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
It scares their dogs.
A blind man visits Texas.
When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer.
A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is bigger in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is.
“Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in.
Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
A blind man walks into a bar…
And then a table… And then a chair…
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
What do blind people do when they get sick?
No, seriously.
It’s not like they can go see a doctor.
Did you hear about the blind carpenter?
He picked up the hammer and saw.
How do you break up a fight between two blind men?
Yell, “My money’s on the one with the knife!”
Why can’t blind people eat fish?
It’s seafood.
I help blind kids.
Verb, not adjective.
My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in braille.
It was touching.
What do yo call a blind seagull?
A gull, because it can’t sea.
Have you ever tried blind-folded archery?
You don’t know what you’re missing.
My blind friend couldn’t learn braille.
He just wasn’t feeling it.
How do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach?
It’s not hard.
Two men are walking their dogs (a dobermann and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.
They’re pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat.
Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says: “NO DOGS ALLOWED”.
The man with the dobermann says, “I know what to do, just follow my lead.”
He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.
The waiter tells him, “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs here.”
The man says “Oh, you don’t understand. I’m blind and this is my guide dog.”
“A dobermann for a guide dog?” The waiter asks, sceptical.
“Yes.” The man replies. “Dobermanns are very loyal. They’re easy to train and protective too. They’re born for the job.”
The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.
The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in.
The waiter tells him, “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs here.”
The man says, “Oh, you don’t understand. I’m blind and this is my guide dog.”
“A chihuahua for a guide dog?” The waiter asks.
“A chihuahua?” The man asks. “They gave me a chihuahua?!”
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater.
He said it was the most violent story he’s ever read.
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye.
If a blind girl says you have a big willy…
She’s probably just pulling your leg.
I’m color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple…
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A doyouthinkhesaurus.
What do you call a blind dinosaur’s dog?
Doyouthinkhesaurus rex.
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
He’s not looking so good.
Why can’t the colour blind man sell ice cream?
His cones don’t work.
A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke sir, you should know five things: 1 – The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 – The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3 – I’m a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, “Nah… not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
What do you get if you cross James Bond with a blind dinosaur?
Spynosawus.
Patient: Doctor Doctor, I’m blind!
Doctor: I see.
Patient: Well, no need to rub it in.
A woman in the shower hears the doorbell.
A voice shouts, “It’s the blind man.”
So she answers the door naked.
“Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?”
My wife doesn’t believe I can cure her blindness.
But she’ll see.
Why do blind people like to skydive?
They can’t see any downfalls.
What did the blind person say when he felt a typo in the braille?
“Something’s wrong, I can feel it.”
What’s the hardest thing about dating a blind woman?
Getting her husband’s voice just right.
A blind man was at the doctor’s when the doctor mentioned a possible cure for his vision problems.
There’s a solution in sight.
Why did the white supremacist not mind going blind?
Because he was used to nazi-ing.
What’s something you should never say to a blind girlfriend?
I think we should see other people.
What does a blind person say when you give them sandpaper?
“That’s a small font.”
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick.
I said, “You must be blind.”
He said, “Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.”
So I said, “There’s a tree over there.”
I recently asked out a blind woman.
But she told me she’s already seeing someone.
After my first blind date with this woman, I knew it wouldn’t work out between us and ended it after that.
She didn’t see it coming.
What did the blind teacher say the bad student?
“Great, now I have 3 useless pupils.”
A blind man went to a restaurant.
“Menu sir?” asked the owner.
“I’m blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order.”
The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, “Yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables.”
“Unbelievable,” thought the owner.
The blind man ate and left.
Two weeks later the blind man returned.
The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, “Do me a favor and rub this fork over your private parts.”
She did this and the owner then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork.
The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, “Oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!”
A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face.
Totally ruined the mood.
Now, I didn’t know Joseph THAT well, don’t even remember where he was from, but let’s just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye.
He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months.
Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they’d bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, left me behind without as much as a note.
I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn’t been for cotton eye Joe, I’d have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
Two blind pilots enter a plane.
They have sunglasses and white sticks.
As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable.
The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground.
The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.
The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second.
All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.
In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know what? One day they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all going to die.”
A blind man walks into a library and asks, “Do you have any books on tape?”
The librarian says, “Yes, yes we do, but it’s not a very interesting subject.”
A blind man had to shoot his dog…
To this day, he still misses him.
“Mom? What’s dark humor?”
“Well son… you see that man with no arms sitting over there? Tell him to clap.”
“Mom! I’m blind.”
“Exactly.”
How do you surprise a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children.
But I doubt they’ll ever see any of the money.
Blind Jokes
If you enjoyed viewing at these hilarious puns and jokes about being blind, be sure to take a look at the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:
