We bet you’ve never heard these funny deaf jokes and puns before! In a sign of friendship, lend us your ear and we’ll tell you them now!
Funny Deaf Jokes
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “I think we need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
The deaf girl didn’t show up to her court case yesterday
She lost her hearing.
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
She nearly poked my eye out.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million.
The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where’s the money?”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
My doctor told me I’m going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
“Doctor, I think I’m going deaf.”
Doctor: “Describe the symptoms.”
“Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair…”
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
He reads lips.
People used to tell me I was going deaf…
But I haven’t heard anyone say that in a while.
I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf so she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.
I said to my kids, “Never let anyone tell you what you can and can’t do!”
“Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf… but he didn’t listen!”
Dad: “How do you sell a deaf man a chicken?”
Me: “I don’t know dad, how do you…”
Dad (screaming): “DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN?!”
A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.
“Hi!” says the woman cheerfully, “Just so you know, I’m deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I’ll let you know if I didn’t catch something. So, what do you do for a living?”
“I’m a ventriloquist,” says the man.
“What?” says the woman.
Did you hear about the guy who was caught stealing hearing aids?
He was given the deaf penalty.
What do you call a deaf dog?
It doesn’t matter, it can’t hear you anyway.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.
My deaf sister asked me if I wanted to hear a joke.
I said: Sure.
She said: Me too!
One day my left ear stopped working.
About an hour later my hearing came back.
I guess you could say I had a near deaf experience.
A woman thinks her husband is going deaf, so she calls the doctor to ask what to do.
He tells her to start far away in the house, ask a question, and come closer and closer, asking the question, until he can hear her.
So, one day, while he’s watching t.v. in the living room, she goes to the farthest room, the family room, and calls out, “Honey, what do you want for dinner?”
She goes to the dining room, one room closer, and asks again, “What do you want for dinner?”
She goes into the kitchen and asks again, and again she gets no answer.
Finally, she is in the living room with him, standing behind the couch, and asks, “Honey! What do you want for dinner?”
The husband answers, “For the last time, chicken!”
I told the doctor I couldn’t hear with my left ear and he asked, “Are you sure?”
I said, “Yes, I’m definite.”
What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?
I’ve won, but at what cost?
How do you stop an argument between two deaf people?
Turn off the lights.
If a deaf person goes to court…
Is it still called a hearing?
There was a fight between a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man.
I just have to ask, how long until we end this senseless violence?
What does a deaf mathematician do to communicate?
He uses sine language.
There is a lot of controversy about universal sign language in the deaf community.
However they aren’t very vocal about it.
A group of deaf people get together to protest.
The group begins chanting:
“What do we want?”
“When do we want them?”