We’ve decided to push the boat out and bring you these oar-some sailor jokes and puns that are sure to make waves!
They’re hilarious so reading through them will be plain sailing!
Funny Sailor Jokes And Puns
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
What happens if you throw a Finnish sailor overboard?
Helsinki.
I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.
He was in the wrong craft.
Only 3.14% of sailors are pi-rates.
How did Viking sailors communicate?
They used Norse code.
Why did the sailor ground his son?
His grades were below sea level.
A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint.
The sailors were marooned.
Where does a sailor who can’t control his temper go?
Anchor management.
What is a sailor’s least favorite vegetable?
Leeks.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
Why does it take sailors ages to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C.
A sailor walks into a thrift store after he lost a limb to a giant octopus.
He said, “I heard this is a second-hand shop, where they at?”
What kind of boat do sailors learn their trade on?
An apprenticeship.
Why can’t you tickle a sailor?
Because they’re nautical-ish.
When is a sailor not a sailor?
When he’s aboard.
Why don’t sailors like buying new hats?
They are afraid of cap sizing.
When does a dog become a sailor?
When he embarks.
Why were all the sailors only on the front of the ship?
Beause otherwise they’d get astern talking to.
Where do late sailors come from?
Missed-his-shippi.
Why did the sailor go shopping?
Because they were having a sale.
Why are sailors so indecisive?
Because they’re always far from shore.
How do retired sailors greet each other?
Long time no sea.
Where do sailors go when they feel sick?
The dock-tor.
Why do sailors eat so many carrots?
It helps them sea better.
The crusty navy chief noticed a new face and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”
“John,” the new seaman replied.
“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled.
“It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever.
And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”
“Aye, Aye, Chief!”
“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”
The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.”
“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do …”
There once was a brave sailor with a very small crew on a very small ship.
One day, while they were fishing, a ship filled with pirates was on the way to pillage the small fishing ship.
The first mate, worried about what was to come, informed the captain about the pirate ship.
“Captain! There’s a ship filled with armed pirates! We have to surrender!”
“No!” The captain said. “Fetch me my red shirt, and we will fight back!”
The first mate, despite being confused, had faith in the captain, and hence fetched the red shirt.
The captain put it on, and they went to battle. The crew fought valiantly, and surprisingly, they won!
A few weeks passed of peaceful fishing, until one day, another pirate ship appeared. Even bigger than the last! The first mate, yet again warned the captain.
“Captain!! There’s no way we can beat them! Their ship is way too big!”
“No!” The captain bellowed. ” Fetch me my red shirt, and we will fight back.”
The first mate reluctantly agreed, and off they went to battle. Surprisingly, they won the fight again!
The first mate, impressed but also confused by these events, confronted the captain.
“How do we manage to win every fight? Does it have something to do with the red shirt?”
The captain replied. “Oh, you see, I wear the red shirt so that when I am wounded, our crew doesn’t see me bleed, making them more confident in me, helping us win the fights!”
The first mate was impressed. His captain was so brave! Hence he no longer felt any doubt in his captain.
A few months passed after these events, until one day, and entire fleet of pirates arrived, all ready to pillage the small ship. The first mate, already mentally prepared for this, told the captain.
“Would you like me to fetch you your red shirt?”
“No.” The captain replied. “Fetch me my brown pants.”
A young sailor is walking the docks and spots a sea captain, examining his deck.
The sea captain has a peg leg, a hook and an eyepatch.
The young sailor, curious, asks the captain, “How did you get your peg leg?”
The captain replies, “Arrr it was a stormy night, and a gust of wind blew me off me boat. In the water a shark bit off me leg.”
The sailor then asks, “How did you get the hook?”
To which the captain replies, “I was in a fierce sword fight with another buccaneer and he cut off me hand.”
“Wow you are brave sea aged captain, but how did you get the eyepatch?”
“Arrrgh a damned seagull pooped in me eye.”
“Why didn’t you wipe it out?”
“‘Twas me first day with the hook.”
At a bar, the Sailors and Marines are arguing about who can drink the most.
The bartender says, “Can anyone drink 10 pints in 2 minutes?”
The place goes quiet until one sailor pipes up, “I’ll bet I can.”
Instead of running up to the bar, he runs out the door.
A few minutes later, he’s back. “Line ’em up,” he yells.
The bartender pours the pints and sure enough, the sailor downs them in 2 minutes.
Amongst the cheers and back-slapping, the bartender asks, “Where’d ya go just now before the contest?”
The sailor looks up, bleary eyed, “I went to the bar across the street to see if I could do it!”
More Funny Jokes
If you found these jokes about sailors to be a barrel of laughs, then be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more hilarious jokes, including these:
