Hay, we’re not counting our chickens, but we reckon these are the best farmer jokes and farm jokes you’ll find anywhere. They’re definitely not corny. In fact, they’re outstanding in their field. So we hope you enjoy this bumper crop of funny farmer jokes and farm jokes.
Hilarious Farmer Jokes
As a farmer, I hear lots of jokes about sheep.
I’d tell them to my dog but he’d herd them all.
What did the farmer call his cow?
What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.
It annoys me how farmers always have to put their gates in the muddiest part of the field.
Why did the cow jump over the moon?
The farmer had cold hands.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation and while he’s there he meets an Aussie farmer.
They get talking and the Aussie farmer shows off his big wheat field.
The Texan is unimpressed and says, “We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large as that.”
They walk around the ranch a little more, and then the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan is again unimpressed and says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
They carry on walking around the ranch when the Texan sees a group of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks the Aussie, “And what are those?”
The Aussie replies, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
An old farmer had a wife who nagged him non-stop.
From morning until night, she was always complaining and nagging about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule so he made sure he tried to plow as much as possible.
One day, he was out plowing when his wife brought him his lunch out to the field.
He drove the mule into the shade, sat down on a tree stump, and began to eat his lunch.
His wife then began nagging him again. Nag, nag, nag, it just went on and on.
Then suddenly, the mule lashed out with both back legs. He caught her smack in the back of the head killing her straight away.
At the funeral a few days later, the minister noticed something strange.
Whenever a woman mourner went to talk to the old farmer, he’d listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement.
But when a male mourner talked to him, he’d listen for a minute, then shake his head.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, he spoke to the farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
What kind of things does a farmer talk about when he is milking cows?
Why can’t the bankrupt farmer complain?
Because he’s got no beef.
What happened when the farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
He got a hot-diggity-dog.
Farmers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, turn-ip the covers, en-dive into bed.
A young city couple are driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends one day.
They suddenly come to a muddy patch in the road and don’t stop in time, so the car becomes bogged down and stuck.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they see a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen in front of him.
The young farmer stops when he sees the couple in trouble and offers to use the oxen to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepts and a few minutes later the car is free.
Afterward, the farmer says to the husband, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”
The husband looks around at the fields and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plow your land? At night?”
The young farmer says, “Oh no. Night is when I put the water in the hole.”
What new crop did the farmer plant?
An old farmer was walking down the path to the pond one day when he came across a frog.
He reached down, picked the frog up, and started to put it in his pocket.
As he did so, the frog said, “Kiss me on the lips and I’ll turn into a beautiful farmers wife.”
The old farmer carried on putting the frog in his pocket.
The frog said, “Didn’t you hear what I said?”
The farmer looked at the frog and said, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Why did the pig take a bath?
Because the farmer said, “Hogwash”.
Why do cows like being told farmer jokes?
Because they like being amoosed.
A farmer took his cross-eyed dog to the vet.
The vet picked the dog up to examine him and said, “Sorry, I’m going to have to put him down.”
The farmer said “Oh no! It’s not that bad is it?”
The vet said, “No, he’s just very heavy.”
What did the farmer say when his fat pig wouldn’t fit into the pen?
“There’s more there than meets the sty.”
Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and vinegar?
He wanted sweet and sour pork.
What did the farmer say when he lost one of his cows?
What a miss-steak.
Where does a farmer get his medicine from?
Why are farmers cruel?
Because they pull corn by the ears.
I asked a farmer if it’s easy to milk a cow.
He said, “Sure. Any jerk can do it.”
What do you call an Arab dairy farmer?
A milk sheik.
Why did the farmer call his pig “Ink”?
Because it was always running out of the pen.
A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses.
“Boy,” said the farmer, “that sure makes me want to do the same.”
“Well, go ahead,” said his girlfriend. “It’s your cow.”
A man was driving down a country lane when a rooster suddenly ran out into the road.
The man couldn’t avoid it and the rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the door bell.
When the farmer appeared, the man nervously said, “I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.”
“Suit yourself,” the farmer replied, “you can go and join the chickens that are around the back.”
Funny Farm Jokes
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
Because he was out standing in his field.
What do you say to a cow if it’s in your way?
You tell it to Mooooooooooove.
What day do potatoes hate the most?
What do you call the best butter on the farm?
What farm animal keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
I was driving past a farm the other day and there was a field with loads of sheep in it.
I thought to myself “Wow! Look at all those sheep crammed in there. There’s too many to even zzzz…”
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
If a cow laughed really hard….
Would milk come out of her nose?
What kind of pigs know karate?
Who tells chicken jokes?
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
What do you call a horse that lives next door?
What is a sheep’s favorite game?
Why did the cabbage win the race?
Because it was ahead.
Why did the cops arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
Why were the baby strawberries crying?
Because their Ma and Pa were in a jam.
What type of horses only go out at night?
What is a horse’s favorite sport?
Why did the lamb call the police?
Because he’d been fleeced.
Why was the cucumber mad?
Because it was in a pickle.
What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
What do you give a sick horse?
What do you call an arctic cow?
What do you call a pig thief?
What do you call a sleeping bull?
Farmer & Farm Puns
I got arrested at the Farmers Market for disturbing the peas.
Working on a rabbit farm is a hare raising experience.
My farm was losing money so I put up a barn so it would be stable-ized.
On organic farms they till it like it is.
I bought some new farm tools so I took my old ones to the resickling center.
Farmers don’t often go against the grain.
On my farm, the horse and the pigs are neigh-boars.
Do wheat farmers have a flour-ishing harvest?
Is an unmarried crop farmer a lone grainger?
Tractor Jokes & Puns
How do you woo a farm girl?
A farm boy accidentally overturned his tractor one day.
The farmer who lived on the next farm heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Joe, don’t worry about it. Come in and have something to eat with us. I’ll help you get the tractor up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Joe replied, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”
“Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted.
“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Joe thanked the neighbor for his hospitality and said, “I feel much better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be silly!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”
Joe said, “Under the tractor.”
Did you hear about the wooden tractor ?
It had wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden transmission and wooden work.
How did the farmer find his lost cow?
He tractor down.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where’s my tractor?
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.
A farmer tried to save money by building a pig-powered tractor.
He had to get rid of it though.
Every time he turned a corner, the tires squealed.
What do farmers use to make crop circles?
What do you get when you cross a robot and a tractor?
At election time a coach load of politicians runs off the road and crashes into a field.
When the emergency services arrive the coach is empty and there’s no sign of the passengers.
The farmer is there with his tractor so they asked him what happened to all the politicians.
The farmer said, “I buried them.”
They were taken aback, so they asked, “They were all dead then?”
The farmer said, “Well, some of them said they were alive but you can’t believe anything a politician says can you?”
Hay Puns & Jokes
Don’t order hay for your horse off Amazon.
After a couple of days they’ll ask for your feed back.
A horse walks into a barn.
The barntender says, “Hay, the usual?”
If a hay farmer is arrested, are they let out on bale?
After the horse ate all of his hay he had a baleful look about him.
What do farmers say when they want to party?
Hay, lettuce turnip the beets.