We’ve plucked these funny fruit jokes and puns out of nowhere for you! They’re so pear-fect they’re sure to make a mango crazy with laughter.
Funny Fruit Jokes
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
You need to let that mango.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!””
I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.
I added some fruit and orange juice.
Now she’s sangria than ever.
A man walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “What do you want?”
The man replies, “Oh, just some fruit punch.”
The bartender sighs and shakes his head, “If you want punch, you’re gonna have to wait in line.”
The man looks around, but there is no punchline.
What is Romeo and Juliet’s least favorite fruit?
Can’t-elope.
I had my first date last night!
Such an underrated fruit.
My dad wanted me to become a fruit farmer like him but I always told him I was scared to do it.
So he told me to grow a pear.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
What does Matthew McConaughey say when he’s picking fruit?
All ripe, all ripe, all ripe.
My wife is on a tropical fruit diet and our fridge is full of strange stuff.
It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Usain bolt must be a fruit.
Have you seen that mango?
What is an Amish man’s favorite dried fruit?
A barn raisin.
Why are bananas such popular fruits?
Because they have a peel.
What’s a gorilla’s favorite fruit?
Ape-ricots.
I heard a cactus fell in love with a fruit tree.
They make a prickly pear.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-naaaa.
I’m obsessed with sketching pictures of fruit, and I really think I should stop.
I have to draw the lime somewhere.
What do you call it when your friends encourage you to eat more fruit?
Pear pressure.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
An orange a day keeps the plumber away.
Basically if you throw fruit at people they go away.
What does a pear tree do before growing its fruit?
It pre-pears.
I always like bragging about the very small hatchet I own.
I’ve done some research on it and as it turns out, it’s from the 1850’s and was used in some rich guy’s home to chop up citrus fruits for desserts and cakes etc.
My wife thinks it’s boring.
She says, “It’s just an antique lime axe.”
Me: Someone told me that there’s a fruit that’s an excellent source of potassium.
Her: That’s bananas.
Me: Yeah, I was shocked too.
What’s Batman’s favourite fruit?
Ba-na-na-na-na-na.
My door-to-door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.
What fruit likes to go down slides?
Ki-wheeee!
I like to advertise my homemade fruit preserves at clubs.
Whenever a song comes on, I’ll hold up a jar and say, “This is my jam!”
A farmer complained that he didn’t have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
People always ask me why I named my son “Underwear”.
I tell them he’s the Fruit of the Womb.
Did you hear about the piece of fruit that left its wallet at a George Michael concert in Zurich?
It was a careless Swiss pear.
What’s half fruit, half dog and is rather sad?
A melon Collie.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
What kind of fruit do you give a guy when you want him to leave your home?
Mango.
If Adam and Eve each took two bites out of the apple…
They would have four-bitten fruit.
The magician says, “And now for my final trick! I will disappear!”
Then he grabs a pear from under the table and says, “You’re the worst fruit ever!”
I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit.
Next week we’re going to go on a date.
A girl was picking fruit in an orchard.
The fruit she wanted was so high up she need to climb a ladder to get it.
Because the ladder was not steady she asked a man if he would be a gentleman and brace the ladder while she climbed it, and he agreed.
When she made it to the top she looked down and the man was looking up her skirt.
She shouted to him, “I thought you were a gentleman!”
The man responded, “And I thought you were a blonde!”
What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?
Fruit of the Tomb.
My friend told me, “Did you know trees drop edible stuff that’s not fruit?”
I said, “That’s nuts!”
Scared of eating genetically modified fruit?
Grow a pear.
What is the favourite fruit of feminists?
Mangoes.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie.
One’s a soft, hairy fruit and the other’s a Kiwi.
More Funny Jokes
If you enjoyed our hilarious puns and jokes about fruit, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes and puns, such as our daily jokes as well as these:
