Milk Jokes

Run these funny milk jokes and puns pasteurize and see what you think! We think you’ll like them. Honestly, we wouldn’t pull the udder one!

Header image for a page of funny milk jokes and puns.

Funny Milk Jokes And Puns

A wife asks her programmer husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.”

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

He replies, “They had avocados.”

A man assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy.

What kind of bee produces milk?

A boo-bee.

If a cow doesn’t produce milk, it’s both an udder failure, and a milk dud.

[At the grocery store] Ok, milk… check, eggs… check, tomatoes… check.

“Sir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”

What’s the fastest liquid on earth?

Milk. It’s pasteurized before you can see it.

The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn.

I asked him, “Pasteurized?”

He said, “No, just up to your neck”

“Son, what’re you drinking?”

“Soy milk.”

“Hola milk, soy es tu padre!”

I prefer to have my milk churned.

It’s butter that way.

Why do milking stools only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

Why can’t Swiss cheese be part of a fat-free diet?

It’s made with hole milk.

I want to open a milk factory and name the company “Legend”.

It’ll be “Legend-Dairy”.

An astronaut was trying to make coffee on the space station.

Astronaut 1: “I want to make coffee but I can’t find any milk.”

Astronaut 2: “In space, no one can. Here, use cream.”

My friend got fired from his cow milking job because of his erratic behavior.

He was a danger to himself and udders.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.

It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

Where does Russian milk come from?


After returning from the eye doctor, my dad started chugging milk straight from the carton.

When asked why, he said, “The doctor told me I don’t need glasses.”

What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea.

The Englishman looks to his wife and says, “Could you pass the honey, honey?”

The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says, “Could you pass the sugar, sugar?”

The Irish man – not wanting to be out witted by the other two men – looks over at his wife and says, “Could you pass me the milk, ye cow?”

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

“Mother,” the nuns asked earnestly, “Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us.”

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:


More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these milk jokes, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes such as these:

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