Vegetable Jokes

We thought we’d better bring you these funny vegetable jokes before they leeked! Just when you want a vegetable pun these examples turnip! Enjoy them!

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Funny Vegetable Jokes And Puns

My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”

I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”

My wife says she’s got a friend that only eats vegetables.

I’m not sure if it’s true, I haven’t met herbivore.

What do you call a slightly cool vegetable?

A rad-ish.

I’ve started investing in stocks.

Mostly beef, chicken, and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

What’s one vegetable you should never bring on a boat?


What does a vegetable get in bowling?

A spare I guess.

What kind of vegetable is always ready to party?


What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?

The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.

During a row yesterday, my wife threw a piece of lettuce at me.

And that was just the tip of the iceberg.

What do you call a vegetable that’s standing in line?

A queuecumber.

What are the noisiest vegetables in the kitchen?

Snap peas.

What do you call a depressed vegetable?


What is a florist’s favorite vegetable?

A cauliflower.

What is Obama’s favorite vegetable?


What’s Lassie’s favorite vegetable?


What’s a flat tire’s favorite vegetable?

A spare, I guess.

I love vegetables but my friend doesn’t carrot all.

I slipped on a bag of vegetables.

I rest in peas.

I got a job at a farm where I got paid in vegetables.

I got a celery.

What sort of vegetable can your dad make with scissors?

Pa snips.

I’m going to start a web site that is dedicated to revealing secret recipes that contain vegetables that are in the same family as onion and garlic and are especially good with potatoes.

It will be called

A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.

Mrs. Carrot rushes him to the ER.

After a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, “Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he’s going to be a vegetable the rest of his life.”

What vegetable isn’t allowed on cruise ships?


Why did the vegetable go on strike?

Because he wanted a bigger celery.

And maybe even a stock option

I’m looking for some vegetable puns.

if you think of any lettuce know.

What was Frosty doing in the vegetable aisle at the supermarket?

Picking his nose.

What was the best kung fu vegetable?

Bruce Leek.

What’s a bug’s most hated vegetable?


Where does Thor grow his vegetables?

In Asgarden.

What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?

A seizure salad.

If the disciple that betrayed Jesus appeared in Veggietales, what vegetable would he be?

Judas Isacarrot.

What vegetable do plumbers hate most?


Corn is my favorite vegetable.

It tastes amaizing.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile’s and sometimes a wink.

All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.

A young man gets a job at the local grocery store.

His job is to bag the customers’ groceries at checkout. It’s mindless work, but he doesn’t complain and performs his job well.

After working in the store for a couple of months, the store’s produce section gets a juicing machine.

Customers bring their selections of fruits and vegetables to the machine and an attendant juices the produce for them, making the freshest of juices.

The young man, wanting to move beyond bagging groceries, asks the manager if he can have the job of juice machine attendant. The manager denies his request.

The young man is upset, but figures that he will continue to prove his worth bagging groceries and eventually he will get the juicing job. Another few months pass and the young man approaches his manager again.

“Ma’am, I would like to request the job of juice machine attendant.”

Sadly, the manager denies his request once again.

“I don’t understand,” the young man says. “I’m professional, I’m reliable, and I’m great with the customers. I work hard and I deserve that position. I’m tired of bagging groceries.”

The manager sighs and says, “You’re a wonderful worker, that’s true, but I simply cannot give you the job. You know what they say… baggers can’t be juicers.”

My wife’s ability to always find fresh vegetables is uncanny.

More Funny Jokes

If our funny vegetable jokes and puns made you laugh rather than melon-collie, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes such as these:

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