Cookie Jokes

Crumbs, these cookie jokes really do take the biscuit! We think you’re sure to find them ful-filling and you won’t think they’re crumby at all!

Header image for a page of funny cookie jokes and puns.

Funny Cookie Jokes And Puns

What did the intergalactic cookie say to the other intergalactic cookie?

Beam me up biscotti.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.

Why was the cookie crying?

Because his mom was a wafer so long.

I tried to start an online bakery.

But I accidentally deleted all my cookies.

My male friend with two red headed parents got turned into a cookie today

Not much has changed though, he’s still a ginger-bred man.

Where do witches bake their cookies?

In a coven.

Today I got an empty fortune cookie.

It was very unfortunate.

Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling.

How do you make a gingerbread man’s bed?

With a cookie sheet.

I just ate 12 cookies.

Now I feel a bit crumby!

Just got to get this off my chest: I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking…

If I hear any more moaning I’m stopping inviting people to my house.

There is a man sadly dying in his bed in his home when he smells something amazing. It’s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

With his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies.

And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.

But his wife sees him and she rushes over and slaps his hand as she says, “No, they are for the funeral.”

What is Homer Simpson’s favorite ice cream?

Cookie d’oh.

Losing weight using the internet is so difficult.

Like every weightloss website I visit, I get cookies.

What do websites and people have in common?

They both use cookies to improve their performance.

A friend and I have decided to open a Chinese cookie business.

We’re going to make fortunes.

How does a German cookie greet people?

Gluten-tag.

Have you tried the new Wookiee cookie?

It’s a bit chewy.

There is a new machine at the gym. It’s truly awesome!

I almost threw up after using it for an hour, it really has it all.

Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.

My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.

I replied, “Sorry I’m fresh out of computer chips.”

Now it’s asking me for a byte of cookies.

What do you call a smart cookie?

Academia nut.

What do you get when you cross a cookie and a hammer?

Cookie crumbs.

I was bitten by a venomous snake.

Fortunately, my uncle’s wife gave me a bunch of money, cookies, and gifts.

I was glad to have the auntie dote.

Why should you never make too many cookies at once?

It’s too big of a whisk.

A woman gets cheated by on by her husband.

Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life but then she hears that there’s a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and she decides to go there to consult him.

After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top of the mountain and meets the wise monk, telling him, “I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young women. My life is stolen, and I’m left with nothing. I don’t know what to do”.

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks her, “Is the cookie delicious?”

“Yes,” she replies.

“Do you want another one?”

“Sure, please.”

The monk looks her in the eyes and says, “Do you see the problem now?”

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. “I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that.”

The monk shakes his head, “No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.”

Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field on a hidden Himalayan peak next to the ultimate source of the sacred Ganges River.

It was made with flour harvested from plants of the single-grained EinKorn found growing on the site of a Neolithic Anatolian village and ground between millstones of Lapus Lazuli.

It was made from eggs collected from Peahen nests in the remotest marshes of outback Australia.

It was made from sugar boiled from a cane garden in a secret valley in New Guinea.

It was flavored with a vanilla pod from the mysterious and still sacred original Vanilla Vine found by the Totonac people when they arrived in the Mazatlán Valley on the Gulf Coast of Mexico in the 15th century.

It had added flavor, as well, with chocolate chips made from the beans of a Cacao tree found on the site of a previously undiscovered Mayan temple.

When Roger’s grandfather died, the cookie was baked by Gordon Ramsey in a kitchen built exclusively for the purpose.

It was the most expensive cookie ever baked and its ingredients consumed the entire fortune.

The lawyers delivered the cookie to the anorexic Roger as his entire inheritance. Understandably, all the other relatives were more than a little put out and they paid Roger a visit. They all wanted their share of the fortune.

But they couldn’t find it because it had disappeared into the thin heir.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun had made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman, “You see how clever we English are? You’ll never beat that!”

The Scotsman says to the Englishman, “Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman.”

He says to the baker, “Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!”

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, “Give me another cookie for my magic trick.”

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, “Give me one more cookie.”

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, “And where is your famous magic trick?”

The Scotsman says, “Look in the Englishman’s pocket!”

When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa.

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies.

Somehow, he found out and killed my dad.

Why can’t cookie dough hold a steady job?

Because it’s always getting baked.

More Funny Jokes

If you found these funny cookie jokes and puns ful-filling, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes such as these: