We wouldn’t be doing our job broccoli if we didn’t bring you these funny broccoli jokes and puns! No others are a (vegetable) patch on these!
Funny Broccoli Jokes
Today I met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee.
Brocco Lee.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven’t been eating properly.”
What did the broccoli say to the cauliflower while making their getaway?
“Floret!”
BROCCOLI!!! CAULIFLOWER!!!
Sorry, I’ve got florets.
What do you call a scary movie about vegetables?
The Broccoli Horror Picture Show.
What do you get when you cross broccoli and a vampire?
Count Broccula.
What is the difference between broccoli and boogers?
Not every kid will eat broccoli.
How did the broccoli feel about being served for dinner?
It was steamed.
What’s it called when you tell broccoli what to do?
Floret management.
What makes broccoli a royal vegetable?
Its crowns.
What do you call broccoli when it becomes a ghost?
Cauliflower.
What kind of music does broccoli like to listen to?
Broc and Roll.
What do you get when you mix a melon and broccoli?
A melancholy.
How did the broccoli fix its jeans?
With a vegetable patch.
I was eating garden fresh broccoli with my family.
After being the only one who ate some, I noticed that there were two dead caterpillars on the plate, meaning I likely ate a few of them in the broccoli before noticing.
My fiance, as soon as I told no one else to eat the broccoli because caterpillars, immediately spoke up and said, “Are you nervous about eating those? Because I’m sure your going to have butterflies in your stomach about it later.”
My sister sends out a group text asking if she should bring peas or broccoli to our thanksgiving dinner.
My family responds 5 votes for peas 0 votes for broccoli.
I respond, “If you want broccoli speak up now or forever hold your peas!”
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a truck full of broccoli?
To get away, they really had to floret.
The king and queen of Fruitlandia had a son named Melon.
One day, Melon met a girl named Cantaloupe.
She was very sweet to him and they fell in love quickly, but his father didn’t approve because she was a peasant.
You see, the king wanted Melon to marry the princess of Veggieland, Broccoli.
The king banned Melon and Cantaloupe from seeing each other ever again.
However, the young lovers were determined to see each other.
Every Sunday, Cantaloupe snuck into Melon’s room. They would stay up till midnight with each other.
This went on for many years.
Meanwhile, the king was arranging Melon’s marriage with Broccoli.
He was prepared to pay every expense to make the wedding excellent for PR.
However, the night before Melon was to be married, the king found out about his meeting with Cantaloupe!
He made Melon swear a Royal Oath – an unbreakable promise – to marry Broccoli the next day and never see Cantaloupe again after that.
That night, when Cantaloupe visited, Melon admitted what had happened.
She begged him to run off with her and get married, but he refused.
“I love you, but I swore a Royal Oath. I’m sorry, dear, but I cantaloupe.”
What do the broccoli say to the ranch?
I’m going to take a dip.
A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit … and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”.
The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn’t even hesitate.
She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!”
Once again the woman smiled and thought “Yes!”
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.
This time she didn’t even think about it.
She ripped a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she poops on you!”
Little Johnny is having dinner with his family.
He’s eating everything except broccoli.
His dad notices it and says, “Johnny, if you eat your broccoli, your pee-pee will grow big.”
Suddenly, Mom turns around and gives Dad a big slap.
Dad: What was that for?
Mom: For not eating your broccoli.
Why could the tomato outrun the broccoli?
Because he wasn’t a vegetable.
Where did the broccoli go to buy a few drinks?
The salad bar.
A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race.
The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, he didn’t have enough stamina to finish the race.
The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first mile, but the tomato fell behind.
The yam was about to reach the end of the race when he collapsed from exhaustion right in front of the finish line.
Over the course of the next hour, the tomato ran the entire length of the race, and won.
Why was the tomato so successful?
The tomato paste himself.
What do you call broccoli that skinned its knee?
Scabbage.
A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume.
She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!”
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume.
She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, “Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!”
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, farts, and says, “Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!”
What is a chicken’s favorite vegetable?
Broc, Broc, Broc, Broccoli.
I asked my doctor how bad my breath is.
“You see that broccoli over there?” He pointed.
“Yes.” I replied.
“That was a cauliflower before you started talking.”
One day two broccoli stems, who were best friends, were walking together down the street.
They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over.
The uninjured broccoli stem called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able.
The injured broccoli stem was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery.
After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared.
He told the uninjured broccoli stem, “I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through. The bad news is that he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life”.
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the subject please?
What do you call broccoli that has run out of money?
Broke-oli.
What kind of socks do you need to grow broccoli?
Garden hose.
More Funny Jokes
If you enjoyed our hilarious puns and jokes about broccoli, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:
