Holy cow! Run these udderly hilarious cow puns pasteurise and milk them for all they’re worth! Make no mi-steak, you’ll have no beef with them.
We hope you enjoy our collection of funny cow puns and jokes. If you do, take a look at the rest of our animal jokes too.
Udderly Hilarious Cow Puns & Jokes
Here are our all-time favorite cow puns. Enjoy!
1. There are two cows standing in a field.
The first cow says to the other, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
The second cow replies, “No way, I don’t believe you.”
The first says, “It’s true, no bull.”
2. Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
3. What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It’s pasture bedtime.
4. What do you call a cow with no legs?
5. Deja moo.
That feeling you’ve heard this bull before.
6. I’ve just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I’m over the moon.
7. What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
8. When the farmer counted his cows in the field he had 196 cows.
When he rounded them up he had 200.
9. A farmer was milking his cow one fine morning.
He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a fly flew into the barn and started buzzing around his head.
Then the fly flew into the cow’s ear.
The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the fly suddenly squirted out into his bucket.
It went in one ear and out the udder.
10. A farmer friend of mine has just told me he’s managed to cross a cow with a chicken.
Sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
11. What do you get if you cross a cow with a ghost?
12. What do you call a cow with a twitch?
13. There was a stampede at the dairy farm the other day.
It was udder chaos.
14. One day, a man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron golf club wrapped around his neck.
Naturally the doctor is curious and asks him what happened to him.
“Well, it was like this” says the man. “I was enjoying a quiet round of golf with my wife. We were playing the fifth hole which is really difficult and we both sliced our drives into a field full of cows. We went into the field to look for our balls, and while I was searching I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it’s backside. So I went over, lifted up the cow’s tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my big mistake.”
“Why, what did you do?”, asks the doctor.
The man says, “Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and shouted to my wife, “Hey! This looks like yours!”
14. What’s a cow’s favorite day of the year?
Moo Years Day.
15. What kind of milk do you get from a forgetful cow?
Milk of amnesia.
16. My friend asked me if I wanted a game of darts.
I said, “Go on then, nearest the bull starts.”
He said, “Baa!”
I said, “Moo!”
He said, “You’re closest.”
17. Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
18. Why do cows lie down in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
19. A man goes to visit relatives who live on a farm. When he gets there, there is a cow standing outside which only has 3 legs.
The guy asks how it came to have only 3 legs.
The farmer says, “Oh, that’s Daisy. One day, she saved my live by running into a barn fire and dragging me out. Another time she saved our son’s life by leading us to the well he’d fallen into. She’s the most miraculous cow I’ve ever seen.”
The guy is impressed but asks, “But how did she lose her leg?”
The farmer says, “You don’t eat a cow like that all at once.”
20. Why aren’t cows good listeners?
Because it goes in one ear and out the udder.
21. A blonde woman was taking a walk in the countryside one day. She was in a field when she noticed something that intrigued her.
“Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” she asked the local farmer who just happened to appear at that time.
“Well,” said the farmer, “Cows can do damage with their horns so we usually keep them trimmed down with a hacksaw. You can also treat young calves so their horns never grow. And some breeds don’t have any horns at all.”
He then continued, “But this cow doesn’t have any horns because it’s a horse…”
22. Why did the secret service surround the president with dozens of cows?
They were trying to beef up security.
23. Two farmers are talking one day. The first tells the other that he’s had to shoot one of his cows.
The second farmer asks, “Was it mad?”
The first one replies, “Well it wasn’t very happy about it.
24. How do you move a cow with no legs?
I don’t know, but it would be an udder drag.
25. What does a cow like best about math?
26. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
27. Where did the cow take his girlfriend on a date?
To the moo-vies.
28. Two cows are standing in a field eating the grass.
The first cow turns to the second and says, “Moooooo!”
The second cow replies, “Hey, I was just about to say the same thing!”
29. Where do baby cows go for lunch?
30. How can you tell if a cow is exceptional?
It’s outstanding in its field.
31. What do you call a cow with one leg shorter than the others?
32. What’s a cow’s favorite city?
33. Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was an udder disaster.
34. Two guys are riding on a train through Texas.
As the train passes by a ranch the first guy turns to the second and tells him there are 1,356 cows on the ranch.
The second guy says, “That’s amazing! I happen to own that ranch and I know for a fact that I have 1,356 head of cattle. How did you ever figure out the number of cows from a speeding train?”
“Oh it’s simple” the first guy replies. “I counted the legs and divided by four.”
35. How do you make a milk shake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
36. How does a farmer count his herd?
He uses a cow-culator.
37. What makes the noise of a cow when you turn it upside down?
38. What do you call a cow who’s forgotten how to make milk?
39. What do you get if you cross an angry cow with an irate sheep?
An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.
40. What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A laughing stock.
41. Why can’t cows join the police?
Because they refuse to go on steak-outs.
42. Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
43. A city guy was driving down a country road when his car broke down next to a field filled with cows.
He got out and although he new nothing about cars, started poking around under the hood.
One of the cows walked over to the fence, leaned over, looked at the engine and said, “I think the problem’s your carburettor.”
The guy nearly jumped out of his skin, and ran off to the nearest farmhouse. When he got there he banged furiously on the door.
The farmer opened the door, and the guy shouted “A cow just told me how to fix my car!” as he pointed towards the field.
The farmer looked over to the field and asked, “Was it a big brown cow?”
“Yes! Yes!” said the guy.
The farmer asked, “Did she have a big white spot next to her ear?”
The guy yelled, “Yes! Yes! That’s the one!”
The farmer sighed in exasperation. “That darn fool Daisy,” he said. “Don’t listen to her. She don’t know nuthin” about cars.”
44. What do you get from a pampered cow?
45. Cow puns are moo-sic to my ears.
46. Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
47. Once upon a time there was a bull who went into a field and stayed there for heifer and heifer and heifer.
48. A farmer arranges with his neighbor to have the neighbor bring his bull over to inseminate the farmer’s cow.
While the bull is doing the business with the cow, the farmer’s son and the neighbor’s daughter are leaning on the fence watching the whole thing.
The farmer’s son nudges the neighbor’s daughter, winks and says to her, “You know, I wouldn’t mind doing a little of what that bull’s doing.”
She replies, “Go right ahead. She is your cow, after all!”
49. Knock, knock.
50. A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.
The teacher says, “What’s this?”
The kid says, “A picture of a cow eating grass.”
The teacher asks, “Where’s the grass?”
The kid says, “The cow ate it all.”
The teacher says, “Ok, then where’s the cow?”
The kid says, “It left because there was no more grass.”
51. What’s a cow’s favorite subject in school?
52. Two cows are standing in a field.
The first cow looks at the other and says “What do you think about all this talk of mad cow disease?”
The second cow replies, “Why should I care, I’m a helicopter.”
53. Three blondes were walking in the countryside one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.
The first blonde said, “I think they’re deer tracks!”
The second blonde said, “I think they’re dog tracks!”
The third blonde said, “Well, I think they’re cow tracks!”
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
55. Don’t you find cow puns udderly ridiculous?