Grocery Jokes And Puns

You’ve no idea what’s in store for you with these funny grocery jokes and puns! Check them out now before someone else bags them!

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Funny Grocery Jokes

My wife left me because I’m too insecure.

Never mind she’s back, she was just at the grocery store.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the door you’re never going to get in there!”

I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

The cashier at the grocery store asked me if I would like the milk in a bag.

I said, “No, just leave it in the carton.”

I can always identify people who have a hard time counting to 10.

They are usually ahead of me in the express lane at the grocery store.

They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.

But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store.

Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?

Store worker: Why do you ask?

Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?

At the grocery store checkout, I was asked, “Paper or plastic?”

I said, “Either, I’m bisacktual.”

[Grocery store] Ok, milk… check, eggs… check, tomatoes… check.

“Sir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”

“Back in the day…” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today…” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are security cameras.”

I should open a Russian grocery store and call it “Putin food on the table”.

At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, “Paper or plastic?”

She responded, “It makes no difference to me. You choose.”

The bagger explained that he isn’t allowed to, and that she had to choose.

This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.

I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can’t be choosers.

I was confused as to how much lettuce to buy from the grocery store, so I called my wife.

Turns out two heads are better than one.

Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…

They lied. Everybody else had clothes on!

Sample guy at grocery store: You can take one if you want to.

Me: Can I take two if I want three?

Tell me ONE thing wrong with overstocking grocery shelves. Go on.

Aisle weight.

I think the girl at the grocery store register likes me.

She’s always checking me out!

My wife asked me to pick up a single lemon at the grocery store.

But I have no idea how to tell if a lemon is in a relationship or not.

I told my daughter, “It’s always been my dream to walk you down the aisle.”

She said, “Dad, we are grocery shopping.”

A hitman named Arti was so broke he took a job for $5 and strangled 2 people at the grocery store.

The next day the newspaper read “Arti chokes two for $5 at the supermarket!”

Why does the person putting your groceries in a bag at grocery store always ask where you want your eggs and your loaf of bread?

Because baggers can’t be choosers.

I made a mistake at the grocery store.

I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up

I want to open a discount grocery store where everything expires in a week.

I’m going to call it Best By.

I went to the grocery store.

The sign said, “No food or drinks inside.”

So I went home.

Why was Frosty inspecting the carrots at the grocery store?

He was picking his nose.

While at the grocery store…

“Don’t drop that cabbage – otherwise, heads will roll!”

Never buy lettuce from the Mamas and Papas Grocery.

All the leaves are brown.

I asked my daughter if we needed anything at the grocery store.

She said, “Soy Sauce.”

I replied, “Hola Sauce, Soy Dad.”

I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store.

I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are “Out of Order”.

Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?

He forgot his Chopin Liszt.

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive.

At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: “Guys! Guys! I’ve got a great idea! We’re all vaguely round in shape, let’s not get a cab home, let’s just roll down the hill!” and before the others could protest he was off – shooting down the hill at a rate of knots.

The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach.

With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind.

By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again, “That was great, that was great, let’s do it again!”

The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn’t seem to care, “Come on! let’s go again, that was great!”.

The potato turned to him and said, “Easy peasy, lemon’s queasy.”

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days.

This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk.

The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smiles and sometimes a wink.

All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking.

The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline. Hopefully I fixed this before he spreads any rumours about me being a vegan.

At the grocery store, I went to the checkout counter with the cute cashier.

I started unloading my groceries onto the belt.

Package of Ramen noodles. Quart of milk. Half a dozen eggs. A couple of frozen dinners.

As she is scanning the items, she looks up and smiles, “So, you’re single, huh?”

I look at my groceries and smile back. “Yeah, ha, what gave it away?”

“Because you’re ugly.”

I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.

For the first couple weeks, I didn’t earn much money.

Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store.

I started earning lots of money.

I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.

A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife.

“It’s on sale. Only $10 for a case,” he replies.

“We can’t afford it. Put it back.” Demands the wife.

They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.” Replies the wife.

“So does the Budweiser and it’s half the price.” Retorts the husband.

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too… I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her… what does she look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?”

To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”

My wife is so much better looking than me…

That a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

A wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping.

She tells him, “I need butter, sugar and cooking oil. Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To which the husband replies, “They had eggs.”

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as heck, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don’t know if I like self-checkout.

A young man gets a job at the local grocery store.

His job is to bag the customers’ groceries at checkout.

It’s mindless work, but he does not complain and performs his job well.

After working in the store for a couple of months, the store’s produce section gets a juicing machine.

Customers bring their selections of fruits and vegetables to the machine and an attendant juices the produce for them, making the freshest of juices.

The young man, wanting to move beyond bagging groceries, asks the manager if he can have the job of juice machine attendant.

The manager denies his request.

The young man is upset, but figures that he will continue to prove his worth bagging groceries and eventually he will get the juicing job.

Another few months pass and the young man approaches his manager again.

“Ma’am, I would like to request the job of juice machine attendant.”

Sadly, the manager denies his request once again.

“I don’t understand,” the young man says. “I’m professional, I’m reliable, and I’m great with the customers. I work hard and I deserve that position. I’m tired of bagging groceries.”

The manager sighs and says, “you’re a wonderful worker, that’s true, but I simply cannot give you the job. You know what they say… baggers can’t be juicers.”

A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store.

He spies a carton on the shelf labeled “Soy Milk”.

He smiles to himself and says softly, “Yes you are.”

An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money.

At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he’s going to get anything from this batch of money is to find a place where the people aren’t too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.

He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store.

He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, “Do you have change for a $15 bill?”

The old man replies, “I sure do… How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?”

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things.

The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long… easy boy.”

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice: “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William.”

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says: “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”

“Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I am William. The little git’s name is Kevin.”

A man walks into a grocery store and asks for a pound of tomatoes.

The grocer says, “We call them kilos over here.”

The man replies, “Fine, a pound of kilos then.”

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these hilarious jokes about groceries and grocery stores, be sure to take a look at the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these: