Morning Jokes

Good morning, and what a fine day! What a fine day for sticking a cucumber through your neighbor’s letterbox and shouting, “The Martians have landed!” That morning joke is courtesy of British comedy legend, Ken Dodd. Here’s a large helping of more funny morning jokes; enjoy them!

Header image for a page of good morning jokes and puns.

Funny Morning Jokes

Every morning I announce loudly to my family that I’m going jogging, but then don’t go.

It’s a running joke.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…

I really need to wash some mugs.

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.

Bought one of those travelling irons yesterday.

Woke up this morning and it was gone.

If you’re feeling down, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning?

Twirly.

This morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.

I burnt 800 calories this morning.

I forgot the pizza in the oven.

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.

I think I’m being stalked.

I visited my wife’s grave earlier today.

A guy came past and said, “Morning.”

I said, “No, just walking the dog.”

I was driving to work this morning when I saw a woman texting and driving.

I was so angry I rolled down my window and threw my beer can at her.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM this morning and asked, “Do you know what time it is?”

Can you believe that, 2:30 AM?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

First thing this morning there was a tap on my door.

My plumber has a funny sense of humor.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.

Then it dawned on me.

This guy arrives home at seven o’clock in the morning, stinking of whiskey, to find his angry wife waiting for him.

She shouts at him, “You’d better have a darn good reason for coming home at this time in the morning.”

“Of course I do,” replies the guy.

“Well then, what is it?” asks his wife.

“Breakfast!”

I had a problem with my boiled egg this morning.

I’ve cracked it now though.

My radio only works in the morning.

It’s an AM radio.

This morning I got up out of bed and then looked out of my window to see what the weather was like.

I saw a guy in a black hooded robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe, so I thought I’d do the neighborly thing and go out and help him.

I was just about to walk out of the door when my wife grabbed me and shouted, “Stop! You’re de-icing with death.”

This morning, my Grandpa walked into my room with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

My Grandpa said, “My hip replacement.”

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor wasn’t there.

I woke up this morning to find all by books and knick-knacks scattered all over the floor.

I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

I couldn’t find the car window scraper this morning, so I used a plastic store discount card to clean my windows.

It didn’t work very well.

I only got 20% off.

A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning, “Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Her husband texts back, “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap the edges with a hammer.”

5 minutes later the blonde texts back, “Computer really messed up now.”

What color is the sun in the early morning?

Rose.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these funny morning jokes, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes such as these: