Dogs are incredibly cute and funny. And while this collection of dog jokes and puns might not be cute they’re definitely funny too. You’d have to be barking mad not to find them hilarious.
Best Short Dog Jokes
My dog can do magic tricks.
It’s a labracadabrador.
What do you call a dog that’s underwater?
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
What do you give a dog that has a high temperature?
Mustard. It’s the best thing for a hot dog.
What breed of dog will unlock your front door?
I named my dog “Wifi”.
Because I stole it from my neighbor.
This farmer is lucky enough to own a talking sheepdog.
After the dog gets all the sheep in the pen, he says to the farmer: “Right, that’s all forty sheep accounted for.”
The farmer says, “But I’ve only got 37 sheep.”
The sheepdog says, “I know. I rounded them up.”
Funny Dog Puns
How do dogs pay for their shopping?
They scan the bark codes.
How do dogs get leave ships?
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Why didn’t the dog like crowded places?
He had claws-trophobia.
Why did the dog join the dating agency?
He was looking for somepawdy to love.
What do dogs do when they’re impressed?
They give a round of appaws.
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
My dog only responds to commands spoken in Spanish.
What’s the medical diagnosis for owning too many dogs?
What do you get if you cross a sheep dog with a rose?
A collie flower.
Dog Dad Jokes
Every time my doorbell rings, my dog hides in the corner.
He’s a boxer.
Today, my talking dog brought a stick to me and told me he found it five hundred miles away.
That’s a bit far-fetched.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
What do dogs and phones have in common?
They both have collar ID.
What type of dog likes having a bath?
Why did the dog sit in the shade?
He didn’t want to become a hot dog.
What did the dog say to the tree?
What type of dog wears glasses?
A cock-eyed spaniel.
What do you call a dog with a Rolex?
A watch dog.
What did the dog say to the fleas?
Stop bugging me.
What did the dog say to the sandpaper?
More Hilarious Dog Jokes
I was walking along the street yesterday when I slipped in some dog poop.
A minute later this big guy did the same thing.
I said to him, “I just did that.”
He punched me in the face.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
Did you hear about the dog who gave birth on the sidewalk?
She was ticketed for littering.
What’s the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
One wags a tail and one tags a whale.
What’s a dog’s perfect job?
Did you hear about the dog who went to the flea circus?
He stole the show.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
Because it scares the dog.
How do German Shepherds greet each other?
You know the signs that say, “Guide dogs only”?
Who are they directed at?
I couldn’t understand why my dog was motionless.
Then I realised… it was on paws.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk or shall we take the dog?
What’s more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee.
Dogs are tough.
I’ve been interrogating this one for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang.
I walked into a shop yesterday and the girl behind the counter said, “Sorry, no dogs.”
I said, “That’s okay, I brought my own. It’s actually cigarettes I want.”
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
A dog walks into a hardware store and asks for a job.
The guy in the store says, “Sorry, we don’t hire dogs. Why don’t you go join the circus?”
The dog says, “What would the circus want with a plumber?”
Why did the dog walk into the bar in the Wild West?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw.
What’s a dog’s favorite city?
As I walked into the store I noticed the sign on the door that said “Guide dogs welcome”.
As I entered, a labrador greeted me, thanked me for shopping with them and took my coat.
A guy is walking through the park one day when he sees another guy sat on the ground playing chess with a dog.
He watches the game in amazement for a while, before he says, “Wow! That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”
The other guy replies, “Nah, he’s not so smart. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
The dogs in my area are so clumsy.
I’ve just had to untangle yet another one from a post outside the shop.
What do you call a dog with a surround system?
Did you hear about the dog who only ate garlic?
His bark was worse than his bite.
Apparently a lot of sniffer dogs have been vanishing into thin air.
Police say they have a few leads.
What do you call a dog who designs buildings?
Why did the poor dog chase his tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
What did the dalmatian say after finishing his meal?
That hit the spot.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
Why do dogs wag their tails?
Because no-one else will do it for them
What do you call a dog in the winter?
A chilli dog.
How do you stop a dog from barking in your front yard?
Put it in your back yard.
Why do dogs bury their bones in the ground?
Because you can’t bury them in trees.
I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schroedinger’s cat.
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
My dog hasn’t got any legs so I call him Cigarette.
Every night when I get home from work I take him for a drag.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything you like, he still won’t come.
Funny Puppy Jokes & Puns
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
I eventually had to give in when my wife kept hounding me about getting a puppy.
What do you call a sheep dog puppy who likes cantaloupe?
A melon collie baby.
Why do they call it a litter of puppies?
Because they mess up the whole house.
What’s a dog’s favorite type of pizza?
What do you call a frozen dog?
Long Dog Jokes
A little old lady takes her parrot to the vet one day.
The vet looks at the stiff and lifeless parrot and says, “I’m really sorry ma’am, but this parrot is dead.”
The little old lady says, “I’m sure you can’t be certain so quickly. Isn’t there a way to be absolutely certain?”
At this, the vet whistles and a Labrador Retriever walks into the examining room.
The dog sniffs around the parrot for a few seconds, then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.
The little old lady is having none of it. “A dog shakes its head and I’m supposed to believe that?!” she shouts.
“I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to do more than that before I’ll believe my parrot is dead.”
So the vet walks out the room and comes back carrying a cat. He puts the cat on the table next to the parrot.
The cat looks closely at the parrot, walks around it, prods it a bit, then looks at the vet, shakes his head and jumps off the table.
At last, the little old lady seems convinced.
As she is about to walk out of the door, the vet tells here that she owes him $500.
“$500?!” the little old lady shouts. “How the heck could it be so much just to tell me my parrot is dead?”
The vet says, “Well, it would have been a lot cheaper, but with that lab report and cat scan…”
One day a fly is buzzing around a wolf hound and decides to ask him, “What kind of dog are you?”
The dog replies, “I’m a wolf hound.”
The fly says, “A wolf hound? That’s an odd name. Why do they call you that?”
The dog says, “Well it’s quite simple really. My mother was a hound and my dad was a wolf.”
The fly replies, “Oh, I see…”
Then the dog asks the fly, “So, what kind of fly are you?”
The fly says, “I’m a horse-fly.”
The dog says, “NOOO WAAAAYYYYY!!!”
A burglar breaks into a house one dark night and starts shining his light around looking for valuables.
He spots some valuables but as he reaches for them he hears a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”
The burglar jumps and looks around for who said it but can’t see anyone. So he carries on putting valuables in his bag until once more he hears a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”
This time he looks harder and he sees a parrot.
“Who are you?” the burglar asks.
The bird replies, “Moses.”
“Who on earth would call a bird Moses?” the man laughs in relief.
“Dunno,” says Moses, “I guess the same kind of people that would call a Rottweiler Jesus.”
There was a knock at my door earlier.
When I opened the door a policeman was stood there.
“Mr Jones?” he asked.
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog’s just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “I don’t think so. My dog doesn’t have a bike.”
This dog walks into a telegraph office and picks up a blank form.
He then writes on it, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” and hands the form to the clerk.
The clerk takes it off him, looks it over and then says, “You know, there are only nine words here. You could add another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
The dog shakes his head at the clerk in disbelief and says “But that would make no sense at all.”
Chihuahua Puns & Jokes
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a chihuahua?
A hot, diggety dog.
If you have difficulty controlling your temper, it’s a bad idea to take a chihuahua for a walk.
Because you’re going to need to use a little restraint.
What’s the difference between a chihuahua and a Jewish kid playing Hopscotch?
One is yippy and skiddish, the other is skippy and Yiddish.
I get embarrassed when my dog sniffs peoples’ crotch.
Especially because he’s a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.
A man guy walks into a biker bar one day and asks, “Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?”
“Yeah, I do!” says a biker says, as he stands up. “What about it?”
The guy says, “I think my chihuahua just killed him.”
“What are you talking about?!” the biker says, incredulously. “How could your little chihuahua kill my rottweiler?”
The man says, “He got stuck in your dog’s throat.”
Dog Knock Knock Jokes For Kids
Defense has a hole in it, that’s how I got into your yard.
Leash you could do is open the door.
Hugh’s a good boy? Me, right?
Doughnut pull my dog’s tail, or he’ll bite you.
It’s not “Bow who”, it’s “Bow wow!”
Ken you walk the dog for me?
Dirty Dog Jokes
I told my friend that I made $500 a month selling dog poop.
He said, “That’s gross!”
I said, “No, that’s net.”
My local zoo only has one animal in it – a dog.
It’s a shih-tzu.
Why do dogs like conjunctions?
They just love buts.
More Funny Animal Jokes
If you enjoyed our collection of hilarious dog jokes and dog puns, why not check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes and laughs, including our other animal jokes and humor such as these: